Memento Mori
by Rosette-Cullen
Summary: I guess at some point everyone has to do something long term that they hate or regret every moment of. I happened to be in that situation." How far would you go to insure a safe, realiable future, even if there was pain and cheating involved? M, AH AU
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: The Preface to my new story. The chapters after this will be _a lot_ longer. This story has become one of my most favourite pieces. It's not even the romance that I like, it's just the plot and the character play.**

**These chapters were inspired by all the bands that I draw from, including several of my muses for writing.**

**So, with that said, enjoy!**

* * *

Everyone's asking questions  
No place is safe  
I'll forfeit resurrection  
To escape this pain

—OTEP; Otep Shamaya; _Buried Alive_

* * *

He was turned away from me, his large, broad back staring me dead in the eye. I could see the lines of scratched skin winding down from his shoulder blades to the center of his spine.

He hobbled on one foot, pulling up his pants and fastening his belt, which was just a rusty chain that he'd found on a fence. Many times I had thought that he would need a tetanus shot, but he probably already had one.

He moved languorously to where his shirt was hanging over the back of a chair, and when he was finished with the buttons his dark eyes moved over to me.

I didn't wait for him to speak as I picked up my shirt and pants and slipped them on under the blankets. He flicked on a computer set on the corner desk and waited patiently while it loaded up.

Unfortunately, this was routine. I wished it could change just a bit, but at the same time I got what I came here for. So, with a small smile and a contented body I waved goodbye to him and walked off.

I walked the familiar route out through the foyer to my red truck before I drove off. I didn't think about what just happened, or what I knew would happen in the future, or the effects of it all. I was content; perfectly and wonderfully at ease.

This was the one thing I did that didn't follow regulation or code, and I regretted every second of it.

My phone vibrated on the seat beside me and I picked it up without looking at the caller ID.

"Hi, Jacob,"

"Hi, Bells," his voice was jovial, the same as usual. "You coming to practice tonight?"

"I can't, I need to do some things that I can't put off anymore." I sighed for effect.

"Okay then, I'll see you tomorrow morning."

"Yeah, see you then." I paused. "Love you, Jake."

"Love you, too, Bells,"

With that, I hung up the phone and sighed, throwing it roughly on the seat beside me.

The house was empty when I entered; the usual. I threw my bag on the couch without a thought, grabbed an apple from the kitchen counter, grimaced at a couple pictures on the refrigerator and then made my way upstairs. The absolute usual.

My computer wasn't fast as I waited for it to boot up, but I walked around my room, picking up things that shouldn't be there. His clothes were all over it, which was _not_ good. But on the other hand they did smell nice.

I rolled my eyes at myself and threw them in the closet before moving to my computer. My email was simple to my fingers; easy digits that I'd typed in a thousand times. One message from my mother, one message from my email's company, and a deal that I just _couldn't_ miss out on at the Seattle mall.

My phone buzzed on my desk where I'd thrown it before. I flipped it open to find a picture—of my pink panties.

Below was a little message, and I could imagine his calm, easy voice saying the words that I read aloud.

"You forgot something."

That's right Bella, leave the damn evidence at his house and then just go on as if nothing at all had happened. I groaned and snapped my phone shut. I could just pretend I didn't get it; I'd done that before.

But this was the one thing I'd been relying on from the time this whole thing had started. As unusual and unholy as it was, I needed some outlet, some way to break from my mold and the unhappiness I felt. I just _needed_ to be in the situation that I was in.

I switched off my computer and threw myself on the bed, exhausted. I couldn't concentrate when my legs were ready to give out at any moment. But this was the part I like the most—well, besides the time of the actual activity.

I focused on the tingling throughout my body and didn't think about him, or anyone else.

I was a cheater as it was.


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: Second chapter, glad it's here, I hope this explains a bit more. I can't believe I got so many reviews for just the preface! It wasn't even a full chapter. ;)**

**I love this song, it's so docile that you just have to love it, and when his voice spikes it gives me chills.**

* * *

Out into the world to make a living selling plastic faces to everyone who needs em

to forget the lies in the shadows, the practiced charades

the enemy will make sure the ties on straight

it's always best to make an impression of wealth

no matter how much hatred and debt is boiling beneath the surface

"I love you" spills like vomit from her lips

—Rocky Votolato; Secrets of a Salesman

* * *

I guess at some point everyone has to do something long term that they hate or regret every moment of. I happened to be in that situation.

Well, that's not true, I actually didn't detest the situation I was in, but I felt guilty as all hell about it. I didn't like to be in this, to be the one keeping secrets and going behind someone's back.

That morning, after a long, restless night, I managed to make it to school without falling asleep at the wheel.

Jacob was waiting at his car with his friends, the people that I didn't quite belong with, and they were all laughing and having a good old time. Seeing them like that used to make me feel intimidated, but I figured since I wasn't welcome anyway, why worry about it?

They looked at my truck with different faces of disgusts and I already knew it was going to be a long day.

Jacob was the only who looked remotely enthusiastic to see me. He stopped conversation as I approached. His loud voice called my name and I smiled at him—that wasn't too hard, he was a good guy.

Wrapping his arm around my shoulder, he laid a kiss on my cheek. His friends opened their circle to us and I stood at Jacob's side, just watching the interaction.

The cheerleaders came over, easily making their way in without a glare or sneer. My hands went to my pocket and I just watched them, perfectly invisible to their group of interactive friends.

I looked toward the school, watching the large clock above the patio taunt me with the six minutes before class started.

A loud jeer came from under the clock, and that's when I saw his broad back—still facing me—twitch with the wave of movement. I watched transfixed by how he looked so different from when I was near. His friends all punched his arm and laughed at whatever joke he had told.

Some kid pulled out a pack of cards, and he looked weak at the knees. That was his weakness, I knew from unfortunate experience.

One of his friends pointed over to the group I was standing in and he turned around quickly, his hair flopping on his head. The smile on his face slowly left as he caught my eye.

I swallowed hard; under his left eye was a distinct mark. I had no want to look away, to lose eye contact with him for the rest of the day, because that's the way it would be.

He turned around immediately and went back with his friends. It was the usual.

I heard the bell ring and walked off, not looking at anyone as I left. Only Jacob followed after me, kind as he was, and latched onto my hand while we walked to class.

We sat in our seats and I watched as _he_ took his seat right in front of me, never looking at me. His burly friend sat in front of Jacob, and that was that.

The rest of the day went on much the same. Well, it was almost the same, save one small incident.

It was in passing, nothing momentous, nothing to save in my black book, but it made my muscles spasm.

I was in the library, sitting with my makeshift friends, of course with Jacob, and while _he_ passed with his posse his hand skimmed over my shoulder, and his fingers tugged at the back of my ponytail. My head leaned back and I caught him walking to the back room and then disappear behind the wall.

The scary thing was that things like that were meant as almost a kind of foreplay with us.

Jacob stopped conversation with his friend Embry and turned to me, his eyes angry.

"Did he do something?" he snapped at me.

I shook my head, mumbling "no" at the same time.

"Who?" Embry asked.

"That Edward Cullen guy, him and those other two are always walking around like they own the place."

"I know!" someone shouted, and then they began to bad mouth the guy that gave me the best orgasms of my life.

Ah, so now the truth comes out, right? Don't judge me, I know it may seem bad, the average "girl has a popular, football playing boyfriend but she's cheating on him with the hot badass of the school" doesn't really ever work out, but it was for me, and I knew sooner or later it would blow up in my face.

I can't say I fully regret it, in all honesty, for the months that I've continued this route, it hasn't exploded in my face, it hasn't even reared its ugly little head.

The only thing I _did_ regret was "cheating" on Jacob.

Well, this happened before I was with him, so that counts for something, right? Right?

I knew Edward before he was the gambling badass that would kill you for giving him the wrong look. Not so much before he had that coming title, but when he was still approachable and he would smile at you if you paid him the time of day.

But it was okay, I convinced myself of that a long time ago.

I needed this relationship with Jacob, and I couldn't just suffer all throughout it, could I?

That was where Edward came in. The details are a sloppy, sordid mess of a situation, but it was stable now; more than stable. It was a prosperous and growing commodity that we were both used to.

My relationship with Jacob could only be described as familial. I felt like I was committing incest with him.

I knew the guy since we were little kids, and back then I could trust him with my secrets and we would play in the sandbox with his Tonka and Matchbox cars, not a care in the world. And then came the day where he asked me out for the first time. I denied him steadily for three years.

Well, that was where Edward came in. A… situation occurred and soon we had gotten into the cycle that we were in.

Now, I may seem like a whore, but I assure you, I, Isabella Swan, am not a no good whore.

While Edward and I began our cycle of off and on heavy heated sex, Jacob continued to ask me out, constantly persuading me with little gifts that I had no want for.

But, as all children who grow up together, he knew my one weakness… I wanted in.

I wanted to go to the college of my dreams. This may seem completely ludicrous to anyone, just take out a student loan, right? No, it doesn't work like that.

I wanted to go to Dartmouth, the mother of the North East schooling system. The English program there was beyond my wildest dreams; all I needed was to be on top honor role every year and, of course, teacher references.

It started with Jacob hinting at it, slowly luring me in with his sly references to the school. He would sometimes slip the school's mascot into casual conversation, and I would see him talking with my teachers, and that was when I realized what he was doing.

He was the star of the football team, the streaming light of the otherwise crappy team. He knew all the teachers personally, and as that goes, he was guaranteed a good school as it was, but me? I wasn't on the top list, besides a few choice courses.

I sucked it up, I accepted, we went on a low budget date, he kissed me on my porch step, he called me his girlfriend and we were in. I kissed him when he wanted me to, I said I loved him when I thought he wanted me to, and I gave it up when he hinted at the length of time we'd been dating.

Well, part of the bride price is the promised gift of "virtue". The first time we did it I squeezed my eyes shut and tightened my thighs so he'd think I was a virgin.

And I was stuck in this monotonous relationship. Jacob was always my brother to me for Christ's sake!

I found, though, that I couldn't keep away from Edward and the feelings that he elicited from my body.

It wasn't an option, so I continued on with my activity with Edward. He didn't seem to care that I was dating Jacob, he would welcome me, put me in any position he'd like, and we'd both pant and grind until we were done, and then I'd leave, or he'd leave, depending on who was over where.

I had to play the fitting role, though.

I couldn't be seen with him.

I couldn't speak to him.

I couldn't touch him.

I couldn't _look_ at him.

We were in two different social groups. He'd been suspended, almost expelled on several different occasions, and I was the honor role girl who was a goody-two-shoes.

Oh, and the fact that Jacob hated everything about him affected things, too.

Apparently they'd been in more fist fights than could be counted. Why administration put them in the same classes I'd never figure out.

Edward was a good fighter, though. He was street smart and knew how to win a dirty fight. I couldn't say I was surprised. He wasn't good at gambling, and he wasn't good at holding his liquor either, so there had to be some winning quality. Personally, his eyes were the entire reason I stayed. I would have felt horrible the very first time I cheated with Edward while I was officially dating Jacob, but I didn't feel terrible.

I felt relieved.

So from then on I didn't hesitate to get relief. Jacob didn't touch me during the football season, teenage libido screwed up his hormone balance or some crock like that. All the _New Age_ books told him that. Also, he couldn't walk on one foot too much; it creates friction in the nerve endings of his brain.

I wasn't at all put off by the fact that he wouldn't touch me. I didn't like giving him sloppy seconds.

I sound horrible don't I?

Well, I truly did care for Jacob, just not at all like he did for me, and I honestly couldn't pull out of this relationship even if I wanted to.

He caught on somewhere in the middle of this.

No, not about the fact that I was fucking his worst enemy six ways from Sunday.

He knew I was in this relationship for the college privileges. He held that above my head constantly. If I don't show up for his game the teachers may want to speak to me, but if I'm not there, what do I do?

I knew this game, and I respected it. I was playing a game myself, why couldn't he think his was better, more calculated?

At that moment, the bell rang and everyone around the table stood and began to flock around the exit of the library.

Jacob latched onto my hand, his knuckles tense and rigid. He was still angry about Edward? I'd hate to think what he'd do if he knew about last night…

He tugged me along roughly and I winced as my thighs rubbed against the material of my jeans. My thighs were bruised and the muscles were strained still, but I kept mouth shut from making any noises.

My head caught to the left in a quick movement and I caught Edward's eyes. He was slouching in his chair, his eyes tired, and a frown on his lips, but he looked spaced out.

His eyes didn't connect to mine as I passed and he looked right through me. The absolute usual.

Jacob pulled me to history and turned to face me, his eyes still hard, and I sighed.

"Would you stop?" I mumbled.

"I hate that guy, and everyone talking about him doesn't make it better, Bells."

"He didn't even look at you."

"So what? The guy's a no good bastard."

I rolled my eyes and walked away. Either he'd been taking steroids or his male hormones were giving him so kind of strange moody PMS symptom. Maybe people were switching his steroids with estrogen. I smiled at that thought, laughing to myself and probably looking crazy.

One of Edward's friends came in, Jasper, and he took his seat next to me. We pulled into our small twosome partnership and did our assignment in quiet. They didn't talk to me either, I wondered if Edward told them not to?

Jasper was cool with me at the beginning of the semester, but he gradually stopped talking. It was sad; I felt so at ease when I spoke to him, like all my problems weren't as heavy as I thought.

A purple bruise on side of his face caught my attention the day he officially didn't say one word to me all class, and I couldn't help comparing the imprint to that of Edward's fist…

Jasper never glanced at me after that, and though I had speculations, I kept my mouth shut like a good girl.

As soon as the bell rang I was up and the first one out the door. I avoided the way to Jacob's classroom so I wouldn't have to deal with his leftover anger, and made my way out of the school building.

Days were too long, school was too long, hours were too long, _life_ was too long.

I was too tired to think anymore, so I jumped in my truck and didn't look at the silver car that darted out beside me, or the person in the car whose eyes I'd never clearly seen in public.

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**A/N: I hope this answered questions, I can't reply to every messages because my wrist is still broken, and also I can't give away many answers because they're all vital to this story.**

**For this chapter I picked Rocky Votolato, which I just found out that americnxidiot also likes. _White Daisy Passing_ is king, sensual and sweet. ;) I suggest the song for this chapter and also _Every Red Cent_, because I've had that song stuck in my head for days.**

**Don't forget to review!**


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: I didn't really feel like posting today, but after going to the doctors, and seeing a really amazing doctor with a stethescope and pinstripe button-up with the top three buttons undone... well, I mean, it brightened my day.**

**Oh, and I got my cast off. :D I've got a brace that I'll have to keep on, but it's _far_ more comfortable than that plaster.**

* * *

We're all alone in the city  
My hands are stoned with pity  
I could get by or get high with fifty yeah  
And I, I, I, don't feel pretty  
Today

—OTEP; Otep Shamaya; _House of Secrets_

* * *

My sleep was completely solid that night, no dreams about being found out, no thoughts of what I would do once I entered college, just a fitful night's rest.

I woke up too early, and I avoided my reflection in the mirror as I took a shower. I washed every inch of my body before I stepped out and pulled on jeans and a large sweatshirt. It was raining, and I just didn't feel like getting all dolled up and wearing argyle like an academic scholar today.

There was no one at school when I arrived, so I sat on the wooden bench and watched the rare sunrise before it was completely consumed by thick grey cumulous clouds.

A car door rang from the parking lot and I looked up to see him there.

He was standing by his car door, hands wrapped around his keys, and stock still. His shoulders were a little tense, but he kept his usually calm appearance.

This was the first time we'd come in contact at school without others around. It was strange, to have the scent of the school in my nose, but seeing him see me at the same time. Some things just don't fit together.

His steps were slow as he neared me, his movements cautious, but still swift and complete. He sat a few feet away from me on the bench and I cleared my throat before speaking.

"Hi," I mumbled.

He only nodded, his head bobbing twice before staring at the wall in front of him. It wasn't awkward with us, it rarely was, but it was just this forbidden sense of danger that kept us so apart from the other.

"Hey," he finally murmured. I looked up and he was already staring at me, his green eyes calm and placated.

"Hmm?"

His fingers dug in his pants pockets and he pulled out a small watch before tossing it to me.

"You left it over a while ago, and I just remembered."

"Why did you bring it?" I asked, looking at the little silver facet over the minute and hour hands.

"I don't know, I just saw it on my dresser." He shrugged, his eyes going back to the brick wall in front of us. "You're the only one I know who wears a watch." He smiled; I caught a glimpse of his tooth, the one that pushed out a bit more than the others.

"My phone's clock isn't always reliable," I said, not looking away from the little tooth peeking out.

"I know, I'm surprised you can use its keyboard."

"Yours isn't much better, you know."

"I know, but I don't constantly drop mine."

"I fall! I can't help it." I laughed at the end, despite my want to be serious with him. It just seemed unnecessary to be angry.

"Yeah, because you're always tripping in the hallways,"

"That's because Jacob pulls too hard." I snapped my mouth shut, realizing that the proverbial elephant had just entered the conversation.

His jaw hardened and his fists curled up, one of the knuckles snapping as he did so. Edward hated Jacob as much Jacob hated him. He didn't speak to me for six weeks when I accepted Jacob's invite to dinner.

At that point, we both caved, since I had been dry for that whole time, and Edward didn't seem to get his fill of whoever he'd been with.

We sat there and stared at the wall, not making any movements besides breathing. A car pulled into the parking lot, and soon more filtered in along with it.

So Edward stood and went around the overhang to the back of the school. The rest of the day went on without incidence.

Jacob met me at first period, he complained about this and that. He also had a welt on his shoulder from someone ramming him at practice—I missed that, too.

Unfortunately, since my conversation with Edward my body had been on hyper drive. My legs shook all day, and my knees knocked with incessant force to create any kind of friction.

I bit my lip a lot, too. The subconscious telltale sign that I needed a good release.

This was the worst part about my predicament. In the time between when Edward pounded away at me I had to hold in all the painful wanting that went through me.

Being a constantly horny teenage girl who couldn't touch the guy who was her boyfriend was finally kicking in. It was easier when we didn't have to ask each other when they were busy or not. Edward had a life, and I chose to avoid my non-existent social one.

I caved around lunch; I went into the bathroom and typed out a message with shaking fingers.

_When are you... free?_

I snapped my phone shut and sat on a toilet in the empty bathroom. A few seconds later my phone buzzed and I opened it.

_Now. I have something tonight to do. Meet me in the basement in three minutes._

Was he serious? My right leg kicked up from its even knocking and flipped my phone to the ground.

I didn't care at this point.

I grabbed the back that fell off my phone and walked out of the bathroom in a rush. The roar of the cafeteria drifted away as I neared the stairs to the lower level with the auto and graphic art class rooms.

I stood by the water fountains and fidgeted impatiently. The door across the way opened slowly and Edward's head peeked out.

"Come on!" he whispered.

I didn't hesitate to run into the room and once I was in he locked the door behind us. The window was open, letting in a nice breeze and the lights were off.

"Did you come in through the window?" I asked in disbelief.

"Yep." He popped the _p_ while he shrugged out of his jacket and hopped up on the large mahogany desk.

I nodded lazily as I eyed him. His head tilted and his palm rubbed across the skin of his neck before he looked at me, square in the eye.

"We gonna do this?" he asked.

I nodded eagerly, walking over while his hands went to my hips. My eyes shut instantly and his lips were on my neck quickly. We fell into rhythm easily, his tongue moved down to my collarbone and his hands had my jeans around my ankles in no time.

I threw my head back and whimpered into the air as his hand palmed my chest from outside my sweatshirt.

"Shh… there's a class across the hall…" he murmured into my throat. I bit my lip and pushed my hips forward into his leg.

He stood up, his hands leaving my chest and going to my panties before tugging them down my legs and kneeling underneath me. My right leg was over his left shoulder in the same movement.

He didn't pause, or look at me, or say anything cocky or pleasant, he just licked my inner thigh while his fingers snaked upwards and pushed and tugged at my clit. My stomach dropped out and I arched my back while falling back onto the desk.

When I was sitting on the desk, he spread my legs out and completely shoved his tongue inside of me. I screamed out before he threw his jacket at me. He didn't stop, but his eyes, warning me.

So I pushed my face into his jacket and screamed bloody murder into the soft material. His tongue pulsed and fucked me with amazing vigor, and I wanted more.

"Unn… Ah, Edward…" I could hear how weak my voice was, but at that moment, his teeth pinched my clit and started to roll his tongue around the part that was in his mouth.

My eyes rolled back into my head and I was lost to a fiery blaze behind my eyelids. My body seized and I shook while I felt warmth drip down and coat my ass and probably the desk.

I felt his tongue swipe at my clit once more before he stood up. He lounged patiently in front of me while I sat up. His face had no emotion, just a palate of features and his dark emerald eyes were tired. As always, the usual.

"Do you want…?" I raised my eyebrows and he shook his head, pulling his phone out and looking at the screen.

"No, I'm good. Lunch is over in two minutes, I'll leave so no one sees."

He turned on his heel, not giving me one glance as he left the room. I pursed my lips and then shrugged to myself. _Suit yourself_, I thought. I couldn't even be offended by him just walking out; I'd done it more than my fair share of times.

I grabbed my panties and jeans and tugged them up my legs, and with a post-coital grin I took Edward's jacket that he'd left and threw it in my bag.

I'd save that as an excuse for more another time.

Jacob waited impatiently in his chair when I walked into class, his foot hammering away at the ground in a nervous habit.

"Where were you?" He asked tersely, but at the same time it was a calm and even tone that elicited a polite curiosity.

"The nurse, I wasn't feeling too well." I lied coolly.

My palms became clammy, but that was the only sign that I wasn't telling the truth. I'd become better at this throughout the years. Lying to a cop that also happened to be your dad forces the body to keep calm and make sure that your pulse doesn't thud at each artery.

Edward wasn't very low-key when he'd tried to sneak into my room at night. Sure, it was a quicky, but his foot usually caught on the lip of my window and he'd ended up falling to the floor and rolling under my bed while Charlie came in and asked what the hell was going on.

So I'd come up with the standard answer "Oh, nothing dad, just rolled out of my bed." And then show him the big red mark on my arm that I'd just made by bashing my wrist into the nightstand.

But it was okay, because for my pain I was rewarded a mind-shattering fuck beyond my body's capacity.

"Alright," Jacob mumbled. "Are you feeling better now?"

"Yep, tons," I grinned at him, something uncharacteristic of me, and he grinned back boyishly.

"So, listen, I was thinking that maybe you could come over after school. Football's cancelled because of the torrential downpour that's going on outside, the field is all mud you know. Billy won't be home, he's out with my sister until tomorrow."

"I've got that Spanish project to work on, though…"

"It's not due until the end of the week. Please, Bells, it's been forever since we hung out. Besides, it's raining and we can stay inside."

My stomach sank at the innuendo laced in his voice. Uh oh.

"Um, I—I guess, if we're just going to hang out." I drifted off at the end, looking back at the board where there was a line of notes waiting to be copied.

The rest of class I tried to hide my sweaty palms and the shaking in my arms, but I just ended up sitting on my hands and staring wide eyed at the white board in front of me. What the hell was I going to do?

It had been close to two months since Jacob and I had been together. He was probably expecting—with centripetal force—an orgasm from me or from him. I could probably do my part and work my magic on him, but could _I_ really stand the friction of him crushing my pelvis with his?

My thighs were still bruised, too… and I was pretty sure that Edward left a hicky somewhere down there. Maybe I could get him to keep the lights off.

Jacob never pushed for anything, but maybe if I did something unordinary he'd go easier and be appreciative of it… what the hell was I thinking? Jacob was a teenage boy, when given the opportunity to fuck his girlfriend without restraints he'd go all for it!

"Are you okay, Bells? You look all jumpy." He asked as I parked my truck in my driveway and climbed into his rusted car.

"I just don't feel too well. My stomach hurts pretty badly." I threw in a grimace for affect. "I'm sorry I won't be much fun, I think I ate something bad."

He chuckled lightheartedly and his right hand reached out for my left. I sighed in relief when his large warm hand encompassed mine and thought that I might get away with this.

"So, you know, colleges are coming by next week," he stated in the comfortable silence.

"Yeah, I heard about that on the announcements."

"Yeah, and it's too bad the field's soaked so they won't see us play. But it's a good thing that I can spend time with you. We haven't really been together in a while."

His lips curled into a smile, and I immediately caught onto what he was hinting. My eyes closed and I faced the window.

We pulled into his driveway and he drove into the little garage that he'd spent so much time on. We walked into the dark house and he went to the couch to grab a DVD and the remote.

The movie wasn't anything special, but I knew it was a set up. Boring movies usually led to us making out or little favors in between scenes. My eyes closed again and I sighed. I couldn't wait for him to make a move if I wanted this to be quick.

While he set up the on screen menu I sat beside him and snuggled into his side, clearing my throat a little.

"I'm sorry I haven't been a very good girlfriend," I whispered into his ear, my fingers moving to the hair at the back of his neck.

Jacob shivered, but I didn't smile in victory. Even if my mouth didn't touch Edward, I still felt guilty about it. I liked to wait at least over night before I went to either one.

"No, you've been a great girlfriend, Bella. Football is just so hectic and coach wants us to be completely ready before our games."

"Still, I always miss your games and I want to make it up in some way…"

His hand touched my shoulder as I slid off the couch and kneeled before him. I couldn't look at him while I did this. I would feel guiltier than all hell thinking about how I'd seen some other guy in the same position with the same look and also the same hate for the other person I wasn't with.

I didn't bother to play around. I undid the button and fly with professional fingers once his dick was fully out I pushed my mouth over it. Jacob groaned, and I moved my mouth and hands in sync.

I was too good at this. Every guy was the same, well, the two that I'd been with anyway. I tilted my head so I was eye-level with his pubic bone and so that he'd be so overcome with the new sensations he wouldn't care that I wasn't looking at his face.

I popped my lips over the head, and then felt his dick jump in my hands. I moved my mouth and pumped while his whole body shuddered and jerked violently. His cum got all over the couch and his pants, but none of it hit me.

Jacob sighed heavily before pulled me up and kissing the top of my head. We both watched the movie and didn't say another word until night fell and he drove me home.

The usual… the absolute usual.

* * *

**A/N: Please don't flame for Jacob and Bella action. If anything flame for the plot line, please, or even my writing, but not that. That's kind of why I was apprehensive to post this story, lots of controversy and all that jazz-ola.**

**And if it makes any difference, there was Edward action, too. :)**

**I don't think I say enough about Otep Shamaya, she's my muse, and her lyrics and poetry inspire me to unspeakable degrees. The few times I've met her she stopped to talk and was really amazing. So, you'll see a lot of lyrics from the band OTEP and probably some from her poetry. Little Sins is my book of choice, though Caught Screaming is the more famous of the two. :)**

**Don't forget to review!**


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N: This is my favorite chapter so far, I just love it.**

* * *

Descending, unending  
& still I'm pretending  
I've regressed to become one of them

—OTEP; Otep Shamaya; _Eat the Children_

* * *

When the weekend finally came I was more than exhausted. My sleepless nights were finally catching up to me. The stress and nervousness of being found out, and of being left out was pushing into me with unyielding pressure.

I didn't wake up until late on Saturday afternoon. As soon as I saw the darkness leering over my room I pulled the quilt up to my chin, threw my vibrating phone into the drawer and ducked into the inviting warmth.

My mind was full of hazy pictures and so I focused on each one. It was a rare occasion that I dreamt and remembered it.

I saw pictures dancing lightly across the back of my eyelids and I vaguely recognized each one. I saw some of my mother who was now in a sunny, warm, and cloudless place. She was tanning by the beach, sipping from a margarita that I knew she'd be having now that she didn't have a child to influence.

I could see my dad sitting at his desk at the station, laughing over some report that he was handed. When I was little he would take me with him. I remembered funny stories that people called in and were caught for.

I saw Jacob hanging out with his friends, wrestling each other and jeering the others on as each one tried to get in a headlock.

And then I saw Edward. I didn't have a setting for him, though. I just saw his calm, passive face, sitting on air, his hands clenched around his knees and his eyes shaded into black holes. I frowned to myself in my head.

He looked familiar, and I was immediately thrown back into the times that everything was innocent bliss with horrible ignorance of the future.

I could hear the thundering bass of the music, the smell of vomit where some kid had puked on the cushion beside me, and the glass of brandy in my hand.

That night was the first time I'd ever tried alcohol. I threw away the beers I was offered, but the sour biet and the burning sensation of the brandy made me feel alive. I was on my third glass, but my vision was too hazy.

The thickness of the room was absolutely stifling, so while I ignored the calls of my name as I walked by, the hand on my waist from Jacob who wanted to bring me here and had asked me out again only minutes ago, I left the house and walked mindlessly into the woods.

In the back of my mind I compared it to the horror movies I'd seen. I was stupid enough to think I was sober, I knew I had to be drunk. My clumsiness was magnified as I continually stumbled over rocks and twigs that happened to be in my way. Well, I was in the rocks and twigs way, nature intended for them to be there, but what about me?

I deposited my brandy on a boulder and thanked it for holding it for me while I moved towards a little dancing light in the distance.

He was sitting in the middle of the field, one leg pulled his chest balancing a lighter that he was flicking on and off, and in the other was a newly lit cigarette.

My drunken curiosity flamed and I found myself walking to him. I'd seen him in school, always just in passing. He looked sad or angry, or just stoic when I saw him before. Now he looked very thoughtful, but as I neared, his head snapped up and he looked at me. His body went rigid like he was ready to attack me, but his shoulders went slack and he looked away from me.

Normally I would have been put off and probably would have run away before he could clearly see my face, but the stupor hanging over me wanted to continue on to him.

So I sat in the grass next to him.

I turned my head in the direction he was looking and saw the huge moon in the sky. How could I have not seen that before?

His hand rose from the ground and he brought the cigarette to his lips and took a big inhale before he held it out to me.

"Oh, I don't smoke," I mumbled.

"You want to try?" His voice was monotone when he asked, his eyes never leaving the sight of the moon.

I grabbed the cigarette from his hand and tried to remember how to smoke. _Okay, don't breathe it into your lungs, take a mouthful of smoke, and then blow out…_

I swallowed a gulp full even though I tried to stop breathing and I coughed loudly to get all the smoke out. A thud sounded through my body before I felt pounding on my back. I coughed until my throat was dry, and then I wiped the tears from my eyes.

"S—sorry."

"S'okay, happens to everyone their first time. I threw up." He comforted, but his eyes didn't leave the large craters of the lunar miracle above us.

"What kind is this? They smell… different," I asked, the crispy smell didn't seem tart, but softer against my nose.

"Parliament," he answered, and I nodded because I had no idea what that meant.

I looked back up at the moon, and he took another drag before he lifted his leg and extinguishing the light of the cigarette on the bottom of his shoe.

Without the soft sounds of his breathing in smoke, quiet fell around us. The crickets chirped quietly and the wind shifted the trees around us in quiet little wisps. The smell of smoke was gone and replaced by the gentle smells of the forests.

"It's so pretty," I mumbled.

He snorted beside me, falling back on the ground and pulling his arms behind his head. I saw his eyes refract from the moon and gasped a little at the shaded green. I thought back to the moss on the rock that was holding my drink.

"_Pretty_ doesn't even cover it." He rolled his eyes and looked back at the moon. "That is the most beautiful thing this world has to offer. Earth can be nice on its own, but the moon is untouched, it's pure and clean and just gorgeous." He sighed at the end.

"I like the sun, too." I whispered absently. "The moon is nice… but it doesn't do much besides control the tide. The sun is so vibrant and good."

"Good?" he asked, looking over at me, our eyes met and I let the words gush out.

"It has an expiration date you know. The moon just drifts away, but the sun is gonna go out one day. It spends its entire life making us all warm, feeding us and nurturing us. If there's a God, I think it would live on the sun."

"Oh yeah?" he murmured. His curious eyes went to the moon and he pursed his lips in thought.

"Yeah," I sighed and fell onto my back on the grass beside him. We were quiet for a few moments, watching the night clouds drift slowly past the moon.

"What's your name?" he asked.

"Bella, what's yours?"

"Edward." He lifted an arm from behind his head and held out a hand to me. "Nice to meet 'ya,"

I grabbed onto his hand and shook it. He had large, warm hands and I smiled at him.

Somewhere between talking about stars, and him pointing out the little dipper that you could only see at a certain time of year, and then the North Star, we started to make out.

His hands touched me all over, grabbing my hips and rubbing over my stomach touching my neck. His lips were soft and whenever he sighed into my mouth I shivered and moved closer. He was incessant and I tried to follow along even though I'd never kissed anyone before.

"You taste like brandy," he mumbled absently, rolling on top of me and moving his hands over my ribs.

"My favorite," I whispered hoarsely and pushing myself back up to him.

His large hands moved over my bra and he squeezed roughly before pulling it down and shimmying the clasps undone. He threw it away into the grass and pulled my shirt over my head with a skillful quickness.

His fingers tugged at my nipples and his lips did wonderful things following after them. He bit my nipples and pinched while palming them. My back kept arching and he moved one hand down my back to palm my ass through my jeans.

His mouth worked my chest and his hands dipped into the back pockets of my jeans where he worked them down my legs and I kicked the rest of it off.

His shirt had been discarded and when I looked down my hands were moving the zipper of his pants down. I was momentarily confused before he reached a hand inside his pocket and grabbed a black little square.

The grass tickled my back while he tugged at my panties and threw them out into the field. He was over me quickly, his lips back on mine, kissing me roughly and shoving his tongue into the back of my throat.

I groaned a hoarse sound and pushed my leg over his narrow hip. There was a crinkling noise and he tore the black package with his fingers before I looked down to see him rolling a condom over his considerable dick.

The sobering effect of that was short lived when his fingers pushed at my clit and my head threw itself back into the soft ground. My legs opened wide and Edward took that hint to push into me.

I shrieked through my teeth and when he pushed back out too quickly I heard him mutter, "What the fuck?" before I look down between us.

There was a line of red on the condom and I gasped.

"What the hell?" I panicked.

"You're a virgin?" he asked, then shook his head and glared into the woods.

"Um… y—yeah, but what—"

"Virgins bleed, hasn't anyone ever told you that? Why didn't you tell me?" he asked angrily.

"I didn't think it mattered." Tears sprang up in my eyes and he groaned before pulling out completely.

"Jesus Christ," he muttered, grabbing his pants and shirt.

"Wait, where are you going?" I asked, sitting up.

He turned around, his eyebrows raised and a look of disbelief on his face. "Are you kidding me? You're bleeding! Do you know how sick you could get?"

"B—but,"

"Here," he mumbled, his fingers dipping into the front pocket of my jeans before he pulled out my phone and started tapping the keys. "My number's in here, when you're up for it call me."

"Um, okay…" I mumbled, biting my lip and looking away.

I heard him walking closer to me and then I could feel him in front of me. His fingers touched my chin and he pulled my face to look at him.

"Don't be offended or anything," his face was emotionless, nothing at all comforting about it, but at the same time I was completely comfortable looking at him. "It's not because I don't want to—believe me, I do—just, now isn't the time. And maybe you should sober up some, you know?"

"Yeah," I nodded.

"'Kay, see you later, Bella. Don't forget to call," he said while he walked away into the woods.

I pulled up my pants from where he'd dropped them, put my bra and shirt back on, and then limped away oddly giddy for what had just happened. I wasn't rejected, that's all that really registered in my frazzled brain.

I walked back to the party, and then I walked back to the safety of my home before I fell asleep and dreamed about the mossy rock that still had my brandy.

* * *

My mind switched hazily from scenes of the dark forest and the moon to the comfort of my room which I was lying cozily in.

I thought about the next few days and how I replayed every word of that evening before ending at him putting his number into my phone and telling me to call him.

For two days I didn't, though. I decided it would be too awkward to ignore him and wait until I saw him at school to deal with this, so Sunday night I called him and when he picked up I cringed and hung up.

My automatic response didn't impress me, so I called again.

"Hello?" his rough voice asked impatiently.

"Um, Edward?" I asked timidly.

"Bella?"

"Yeah, it's me."

"Oh, hey, what happened before? Why'd you hang up?"

"I lost connection," I lied.

"Okay." He chuckled quietly at the end.

There was a pause between us and then he spoke quietly to me, like he was afraid I'd hang up again.

"What can I do for you?"

"Well, you told me to call you—so I didn't just want to leave you hanging and everything…"

"Yeah, I got you there." He paused. "Do you want to meet up somewhere? This whole over-the-phone thing isn't my style."

"Sure," I mumbled, but he chuckled.

"How about The Lodge in ten minutes. Can you handle that?"

"Yeah, sure, ten minutes it is."

He hung up first and I got dressed quickly before running past my dad in the kitchen and out to my truck. It started with a loud pop before I backed it out quickly and drove the short distance to the tacky restaurant.

When I walked in, the smiley waitress asked me if I had reservations and I told her I was with someone.

"Are you Bella then?" she asked, her face fell slightly.

"Yeah," I answered.

"Oh, then come this way." She was no longer smiling as she walked me to the back. Edward was sitting there, playing the wrapper to his straw and moving the paper football he'd made out of a napkin around.

His head popped up as soon as we were in hearing distance and his green eyes met mine. He looked different compared to the other night. His hair was lighter than I thought it was, a light red with streaks of bright brown that was a mess on his head.

"Glad you could make it." He smiled.

"You, too." I sat in the little booth and took the menu that the waitress passed to me.

When she walked away, Edward lifted his head to look at me again. "So, how is this going to work?"

* * *

**A/N: Did you love it, too? I had the scene with them in the field stuck in my head. A couple scenes in this story have been stuck and floating in my mind for months. In the second chapter when Edward passes Bella and tugs on her hair, I just like that. ;)**

**Don't forget to review!**


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N:**** Sorry for the long wait, I was going to update on Monday but in case you didn't notice FanFiction wasn't letting anyone log in.**

**Inspiration for this chapter is from _Chimaira_. I'm seeing them in April, they're touring with _Disturbed_--which I don't like, but I'll endure _Disturbed_ go for the lead singer of _Chimaira _and his amazingly sexy voice. Plus those dread locks on a white boy are to die for!**

* * *

Let me take you somewhere secluded  
Where only the trees can see

—Chimaira; _The Flame_

* * *

My alarm went off annoyingly loud sometime around eight a.m. the next morning. I rolled out of bed, falling to the floor and lying there for a good hour before I managed to pull myself up and get to the toilet before I had a severe accident.

I'd successfully slept away my weekend. Great.

I showered and brushed myself up neatly before going downstairs to find the house empty. Charlie left a note on the fridge reminding me he had the night shift and was working until twelve.

The house felt like a prison; I couldn't sit around all day.

I grabbed my keys and practically ripped the door from my path. My truck started with a rickety sound that made me grimace, but I drove until I found the tacky little restaurant that I was craving sunny side up from.

The faux wood on the tables looked especially inviting today.

The waitress frowned at me while she took my large order. Her monotone voice and tired eyes told me my food would be up in about fifteen minutes and my drink would soon arrive.

The cheap lavender air freshener under the table kept blowing nasty wafts of air at me, and before I potentially vomited the stale Pop Tart that I'd taken a bit from up, I reached down to flick it out from the wall.

Now I only had to deal with the lavender colored ceiling light. Well, some things can't be fixed in a moment of annoyance.

I sat in the same booth that was _always_ open when I came here. No matter if the place was jam-packed full of people, this spot was always open. The booth just gave off an offensive odor. I wondered if I smelled bad, too.

I grabbed the collar of my jacket and took a big whiff just as the waitress turned the corner, grimaced at me, and put down my chocolate milk. I resisted the urge to stick out my tongue.

While I scraped the syrup from the sides of my glass, my eyes kept darting to the empty booth across from me, which my feet were now resting on under the table.

My brain thought back to the hazy images of a dream—well, it was more of a memory.

I imagined a stony faced Edward sitting there with his usual sour expression of pure passive calmness. It annoyed me to no end how he was basically an emotionless blob. My lips pursed of their own accord.

I would have thought he'd be a cheeky bastard, but it was the complete opposite. Well, asking someone how they want to fuck with blatant disregard to the person kind of gave off that _feeling_ that he may have been a bastard.

But then I thought about it, the way I spluttered out a response of, "What?" with a little more embarrassment than confusion. He obviously knew I was virgin, so I guess maybe under that emotionless mask he _was_ a bit of a bastard. I smiled a little thinking about it.

The waitress came with my food and my stomach rumbled in appreciation. I ate my toast and looked at the booth while my mind wandered to several things about school work that I should do, and that I left my phone on my nightstand—or somewhere close to it.

But over everything else, I thought about that day we had both come here and unknowingly decided our futures.

---

"What do you mean 'what'?" He raised an eyebrow, and his straight mouth pursed a little.

"I mean exactly that!" I hissed quietly. "What are you talking about? How do I want to do what?"

"Oh, come on, Bella." He rolled his eyes and pressed his back against the booth, his feet popping up on the seat beside me. He looked so at ease. "You knew what was going to happen when you came here, right?"

"N—"

"Don't lie, Bella,"

"Okay, maybe. But you shouldn't just ask like that." My cheeks lit up and I could feel the sweat begin to bead on the back of my neck.

"Why not? Do you want to just dance around the subject until it gets all awkward and one of us has to fake a phone call so we can leave? I'll be honest with you right now; I set my calendar to six o'clock just in case this whole thing didn't work out."

"Alright… so, what now, genius?" I asked.

"Well, now we eat. I'm hungry as hell, and then we can talk about it."

As if on queue the waitress came out with a tray full of food. My mouth watered at the smell of pizza. The girl served two plates and piled on the slices before walking away.

"I took the liberty of ordering. Who doesn't like pizza, anyway?" He took a monster bite of the cheese.

"My mom doesn't, actually," I mumbled to myself.

"Your mom doesn't like pizza?" His voice was skeptical, but his face didn't change except for the one eyebrow he raised.

"No, if you can believe it. She choked on pizza when she was little. Now she can't stand it because of the grease and all that. She also doesn't like sprinkles on ice cream."

"Why?"

"She choked on those, too." I shrugged.

"So what does she eat? Pudding and mashed potatoes?"

I smiled to myself. "Actually, yeah. They're good for her shape or something like that."

"She should talk to my mom, then. She does everything, Atkins, South Beach, all that fad dieting crapola you can't escape from." He took another huge bite of pizza and was half way done. "Eat."

"Oh yeah," I mumbled, grabbing my pizza and taking a small end off.

It was quiet then, nothing but the sounds of our eating and the clinking plates of the other people around us. I took a bite from the crust and suddenly he stopped eating. I looked up and he was staring at me.

"What?" I asked, subconsciously trying to feel if my skin had anything greasy on it.

"You just ate backwards."

"What?"

"You ate the crust while there's still pizza," he stated.

"Yeah, so what? Haven't you had stuffed crust? You eat that backwards, too."

"It's just… unnatural." He made a strange face, mainly because most of his face didn't move except for his nose.

"Why is it unnatural? A lot of people eat differently and it's normal for them. Like you take a sip from your drink after every bite. That's something common in anorexics. You _are_ kind of scrawny for a guy, you know."

"I am not." He looked offended. "First of all, I eat like a pig. I eat at every opportunity I'm given. Second, I am _not_ scrawny, Miss Chicken Legs. And third, my throat gets dry after I take a bite. At least I don't eat my pizza backwards and look like I have a goatee made out of cheese and grease flopping out in front of me."

"Ouch, Edward, ouch. I don't have chicken legs."

"You do too."

"Do not."

"Do, too."

"Do not."

"Do not."

"Do too." I froze, looking at him wide eyed and he grinned at me.

"I can't believe you fell for that!" he yelled. "Oh my God. Thank you, Looney Tunes!"

"Shut up," I mumbled.

"Aw, don't be upset, Bella. You're legs aren't _that_ bad. Have you seen Angela Weber's?"

"Don't make fun of her. She's really nice and she's my friend."

"I'm not making fun of her; I'm just saying that you're not the only one with chicken legs."

"I do not have chicken legs!" I stood up and put my leg on the table before pulling my jeans up to my knees and pointing to my calf muscle.

It was then that I noticed every eye in the restaurant was trained on me. I looked around the now silent room and flushed brightly before slowly pulling down my pant leg and sitting down in the booth, completely mortified.

"Okay… you don't have chicken legs," he mumbled.

"Really?" My head perked up and he nodded while taking a bite from his food. "Cool." I grinned.

We continued to eat in silence. I ate my pizza backwards, and he took a loud gulp from his drink after every bite. I had to stop from myself from laughing a few times.

It wasn't long before our food was gone and it was just the two of us sitting at the table, sipping from our drinks and waiting for dessert. My stomach was doing nervous flips and I knew he would be the first to break our silence by the look of impatience on his calm face.

"Okay, we ate," I mumbled.

"We still have dessert."

I nodded my head, tapping the ice floating in my soda with a straw. The waitress dropped our cake on the table and left without a word before she disappeared into the back room.

"Alright, what's the point in delaying it?" he asked, looking up and popping a piece of cake in his mouth. "Do you want to do this? Yes or no?"

"Umm…"

"It's not that difficult. Do you want to fuck, or do you want to go home and never talk about this again?"

"Umm…"

"Yes or no, Bella?"

I continued to hesitate. Did I want to go off and have sex with a guy I just met, who would most likely never speak to me again? Well, one way or another we were never going to speak again, so why not get something out of it? I wasn't a virgin anymore, even if I didn't really have sex.

"Do you?" I asked.

"You betch'ya. Who doesn't want to sleep with a pretty girl?"

I flushed and—very slowly—nodded my head once. "Okay," I mumbled.

"Is it because I complimented you?"

"A little, but mostly no."

"Okay," he raised his hand to flag down the waitress. "We'll take the cake to go."

"Alright, thank you for dining at The Lodge. Have a nice day," she said before walking off with the bill Edward threw at her.

"Where do you wanna go?" he asked as we exited the restaurant.

"What do you mean?" I looked up at him. Where were we supposed to go? We couldn't go to my house; Charlie could be home at any given moment.

"I think we should do this where it first started," he said, leading us to a beat up silver Volvo. It was no better than my truck.

"I have a car," I said, turning to look at my Chevy sitting across the lot.

"I'll drive you back. Besides, I might want more later." He unlocked his door and we stepped in. "Anyway, I'm thinking we should go back to where we were before. It'd be disrespectful to Mother Nature not to finish it there."

"Sure," I drawled, looking out the window as he sped down the street and turned sharply onto a dirt road.

I could have been in shock. The whole thing happened so quickly. I felt like I knew this was going to happen; I'd expected it to when he gave me his number, but now it was just… surreal.

I was in Edward's car, going to a dirty clearing where I'd lost my virginity, to have sex with him for the first time, which was technically the second. Maybe I was too nervous to really think things through, but somehow in all that mess it made sense.

He pulled off to the side and opened his door before popping the trunk and walking around back. I stepped out of his car and watched him dig through the mess in his trunk until he pulled out a picnic blanket.

"Let's go," he chirped while leading the way through the forest. I only tripped a couple of times, breaking a hole in my jeans once and then successfully clung onto Edward's arm, feeling like a complete idiot.

We entered the same clearing as before, looking so different in the light of the setting sun instead of a full moon. While he threw down the picnic blanket I had half a mind to go and check to see if my drink was still on the mossy rock.

My nerves were too frazzled for me to move from watching him step on the blanket and kick off his shoes and jacket, then his shirt before waving me over.

I walked up to him, removing my shoes and then stepping on the blanket in front of him.

His hands went to my hips before kneading them and lifting my shirt above my head. It was on the ground next to his jacket and my hands went to his chest while his teeth nipped at my neck. It kind of hurt and I bit my lip so I wouldn't make a sound.

"I told you I'm not scrawny," he murmured into my neck.

"I told you I don't have chicken legs."

His hands palmed my breasts quickly and I gasped while he didn't hesitate to pinch my nipples and move his hands roughly along my chest. He bit into my neck again and I squeaked loudly.

"Sorry," he mumbled.

I nodded as one of his hands traveled down my stomach to my jeans. His fingers tugged at the sides, not bothering with the button, and they fell down to my ankles. I awkwardly stepped out of them and while I removed my pants he unclasped my bra and started to take off his jeans.

He was wearing ridiculously colored boxers, ugly yellow and green plaid with skulls in the middle of strategically placed lines.

He lowered us to the ground and I laid on my back on the picnic blanket that itched at my skin. He pushed my panties down my legs and threw them aside before rubbing his fingers over my clit and touching the wetness that was slowly growing there as he stroked and pinched and rubbed. He would occasionally spit on his fingers and rub more. It felt wonderful after the initial shock wore off.

One of his fingers wiggled its way in and he twisted it every which way and shook it enough to feel like there was a vibration inside of me.

He stopped soon enough, forcing down his boxers and I saw his full erection sticking up and straining. I bit my lip and opened my legs wider while he shifted himself between them. He stuck a hand over and fished out a condom before tearing the package with his teeth and rolling it on expertly.

His bronze hair hung over his eyes while he hitched one of my legs over his hip and then looked down at me.

"Ready, Bella?"

"Yeah," I whispered.

He angled his hips close to mine, set his body over me, and then pushed into me. I could feel myself straining. There was a shock of pain in my pelvis, like a really strong cramp, and it faded slowly. The aftershocks hurt worse, though.

"You okay? Does it still hurt?"

"A little." I winced and then moved my hips a bit. He hissed above me and I found that it didn't hurt as much. I could manage through it. "You can go."

He pulled out and then pushed back in slowly. It was slow torture because of the pain, and at the same time I could feel a pressure building up slowly.

I moaned and groaned in shared pleasure, and soon I hid my face in Edward's shoulder just to hide the look of pain on my face whenever he pushed in too roughly. Aside from the slight pain it wasn't too bad.

I could feel him slipping in and out, my muscles constricting around him, and soon enough he was going faster, his body rocking into mine. I could feel the sweat on my chest and on the back of my neck. The pressure in my stomach began to twist my hips up at him whenever he thrust at me.

I gasped and fell to my back while he held himself up above me, rocking back and forth wildly.

"Shit," he panted. His fingers went to my clit and he started to rub quickly at it. I arched into him, my body spasaming and throwing itself all over the ground.

"Ah—oh God!" I panted, my voice going up an octave while he continued to pound into me, moving harder and faster.

"Cum, Bella—shit—just cum already."

"I—I—" his finger moved faster and harder against my clit, his body pumping insanely fast.

My fingers went to his arms and I felt my hips lift up, my legs lock, and my fingers twitch and scrape at his skin before I heard my own panting and screeching voice echo around me. My eyes snapped closed and I didn't have a thought in the world except for my heart fluttering and I could hear it, and I could hear Edward thrusting in and out of me with an uneven force.

His body stilled above mine, his head hung and the muscles in his neck and arms strained against the skin. He panted a word roughly sounding like my name and some other dirty word before he pulled out of me and rolled beside me on my back.

"God… that was good," he panted.

"Uh-huh," I breathed.

We stayed like that for a while, just watching the night sky and talking about nothingness.

* * *

Over the next few days we texted each other and soon enough managed to hook up again. He took me to his small room and from then on we set up a system and our whole "thing" together.

I thought about how this whole thing started out and where it was at now. Just calm, stony, stoic, emotionless Edward and clumsy, boring, plain Bella.

Oh, and Jacob was in there now, too.

I finished eating my eggs and paid the bill up at the front before walking out to my rusted old truck and driving back to my house to spend the day alone watching Looney Tunes.

* * *

**A/N: I ADORE this chapter. I lost one of those "you do, too; I do not" things. Back on the playground when all the boys were yelling that the girls had cooties.**

**And don't forget to visit TheCatt(dot)net and vote for Labour of Devotion under "Best Collab". :D**

**Don't forget to review!**


	6. Chapter 6

**A/N: Ah, Tom Waits... what can I say? The group of people I would go back in time and sleep with include James Dean, Steve McQueen, Henry Miller and Tom Waits.**

**The dream team.**

**FYI, Parliaments are the aces of cigarettes.**

* * *

I know you got another  
Jockey at home  
Let me be your rider till your real man comes  
Whip me baby lie like a dog  
I really don't care if you do

—Tom Waits; _Lie to Me_

* * *

"You've gotta be joking with me, Bella!"

"Nope, I'm dead serious."

"You can't be."

"Why can't you just believe me?" I asked exasperated.

"Because there's no way in _hell_ or the moon or the damn _sun_ that Camel Frosts beat Parliament. It's just not a plausible theory."

"It's not a theory, it's a fact." I said into the phone.

I walked around my bed and picked up a dirty shirt before throwing it into the purple striped hamper in the corner of my room. I spotted a pair of socks that I had worn in the mud and my eyes zoned in on them.

I continued to listen to Edward's rambling from speaker phone while I picked up anything that looked like it had been worn for more than two hours.

"—you can't even compare the two! Camel Frost is the wussiest thing you can ever smoke! Parliament is the king, the absolute royalty, and you're spitting in its _face_, Bella. You should really be ashamed—"

"No, I shouldn't be ashamed. They're smoother and they taste a lot better. Oh! The vanilla ones are really good."

"I thought you don't smoke?" I could imagine his head cocking to the side and his eyes glowing bright green with curiosity.

"I don't smoke." I rolled my eyes to myself. "I was just really stressed when I had to work on this week long Spanish project in one night. Charlie only had a couple packs of contraband and I took the Camels. Parliaments hurt my throat and I always cough up a lung. These were smooth and they didn't leave a bad after taste."

"No, you're wrong."

"How so?"

"Nothing beats Parliaments."

"You're such a stubborn prick!"

"Whatever, Parliament is king."

"Then Camels are ace!" I grinned to myself and picked up a… well, it looked like it might have been panties before they were shredded.

"Bella, come on. In the royal system there's no position called _ace_. The only thing that comes close to king is queen, and that's still below it. Sorry, but you lost this one, sweet heart. Don't try to intrude on my domain."

"Did you tear my green panties?" I asked when he shut his mouth.

"Green? Yeah. I think, that was the night Charlie came home early and you said to hurry it up."

"Oh yeah…" I tilted my head and smiled to myself. The added danger of that one made it all the more exciting.

"Okay, so why did you call besides to trash my cigarettes?"

"Oh, I've been cleaning my room all day and I've got a bunch of your clothing over here.. I kept a hoodie or two, but everything else is good to go."

I picked up a cardboard box that was on my floor and put it back on my bed, sifting through the contents.

"Did you find my keys?" he asked. I pushed my hand to the bottom of the box and cringed when I jabbed my finger.

"Yeah. And your like, seven lighters. All Bic, too,"

"Of course.." I could imagine him rolling his eyes. "So do you want me to stop by and grab them, maybe stay for a little T & A?"

"If you're up for it, Lover Boy." I stretched my arms over my head and fell backwards on my bed.

My blinds were opened all the way and the rare sunlight was making me feel tiptop today. My room was warm and the rare light just made all my worries and nervousness fade away.

Spring cleaning in the middle of summer.

"I'll be there in like ten minutes."

"Yep. Bye, Edward." I hit the end button and took out a grey shirt that I'd just washed and folded.

I held it up and looked at all the holes and stains on it. This one had blood near his heart…

I cringed; anything to do with fighting I didn't want to know a thing about. The one time I'd seen him fight was in the cafeteria sophomore year and the other kid took out a knife against him.

I shook the memory from my head and started to pull out another shirt that looked like it had been burned before I heard heavy foot steps outside my door.

"Bells?"

Oh God, no.

My door opened and I saw Jacob standing there, Edward's clothing still in my hand and the box placed firmly on my bed.

"You okay? Charlie was just leaving and he let me in…" he hesitated, his eyes shifting to the box in front of me.

I jumped up immediately, my back ramrod straight and I tried to laugh it off with a hysterical giggle. My hands dropped into the box and I pushed Edward's clothes in.

"Oh. Hi, Jacob. You just scared me, sorry about that." I smiled and he took the initiative to walk in and sit on my bed—right next to Edward's clothing.

My body was completely on edge. This was the closest he'd ever been to finding out. There was actual evidence right under his nose, and I'd have to be a complete idiot if I just expected him to overlook it. My heart hammered away in my chest and I had to control my breathing before I hyperventilated.

I smiled my most reassuring smile and tried not to start shaking when he put a hand on top of the box, his eyebrows scrunching together when he lifted a flap.

"What's all this?" he asked.

My stomach sank and tightened up. "I—I was just going down to… Good Will. I was finished packing up this box."

I picked up the box and stumbled a bit before Jacob grabbed it from my hands and laughed a little. I smiled back, trying to get myself into a good mood, but this was just… too much.

I heard a car pull up outside and I completely panicked. Jacob's interest perked and he walked over to the window.

Oh God no.

This isn't happening.

"Jacob?" I called before he reached the window.

"Yeah, Bells?" He reluctantly turned from the window and looked at me.

"Can you help me with this box, I—I need to go now before it closes." I smiled my best, flirtiest smile and shook my ass a bit as I ran down the stairs.

I could hear Edward outside, walking up to the door. I gasped and ran, putting my back to it. I needed him gone. _Now_.

I took a large breath and yelled with all my might, "_Jacob_! Can you grab my phone?"

The hand on the doorknob paused and I heard Edward curse before the knob relaxed and I heard him running to his car. The engine accelerated as he back out and his tires squealed before I could hear him racing down the road.

Jacob came bounding down the stairs, the box of Edward's clothes in one hand, and my phone in the other. He grinned at me and we ran out to my truck before he dropped the box into the bed and got in the passenger side.

* * *

"Are you fucking kidding me, Bella?" Edward yelled at me.

We were in his small room, the blinds wide open to the night sky, and he was pacing across the worn out carpet. His hands were digging through his hair and he was letting out frustrated groans every now and then.

"I am _so_ sorry, Edward. I got your keys and lighters, but I couldn't take the clothes back after I brought them." I apologized for the millionth time since I came here.

"God, Bella! That was, like, my entire wardrobe for the rest of my life! There was stuff from middle school in there!" He sat on the end of his bed and ran his hands through his hair, his hard face freezing in place.

"I'm really, really sorry, Edward. I'll go back tomorrow and buy it all back. If it's any consolation they couldn't take the stuff with holes and stains."

"Isn't that half the stuff that was in there?" He sighed, falling onto his back and crossing his arms over his eyes.

"A couple shirts and a pair of jeans… but the lady at the counter took everything else." I crawled to his side and ran my hand up and down his stomach. "I'm really, really, _really_ sorry. I was so scared that Jacob would find out and the first thing that came to mind was that they just opened up a Good Will."

His arms tensed when I said Jacob's name and his jaw locked.

"What the hell was he doing there anyway?" He moved his arms from over his eyes and sat up from his bed to dig in his tiny closet.

"I don't know," I sighed. "As soon as he got there I figured he would be suspicious of the box, and then with you coming over…"

He pulled out of the closet and came out with a small bottle of brandy and two shot glasses. He poured the brandy into the glasses and downed them both without even a hint of emotion. Edward filled one up and handed it to me before sitting down next to me.

"What did you do when you got home?" he asked.

"I tried to hide the stuff they gave me back and I told him I wasn't feeling well."

"He took no for an answer? Isn't he a pushy guy when he wants something?" Edward rolled his neck before tossing back the brown light brown liquid and swallowing loudly.

I swallowed my shot and made a face before answering. "Yeah, usually, but I can't blame him. I'm supposed to be his girlfriend, doting and all that. It's not his fault that I've got something to hide from him."

Edward made a noise before pouring more brandy. We clanked glasses for some reason and then continued to drink until half the bottle was gone and I was warm all over.

We ended up sitting on his narrow bed with our backs to the headboard. He was smoking a Parliament and when I grimaced he would blow smoke in my face. My eyes burned, and eventually I started to tear up and cry.

"What's wrong?" He asked, he pushed the cigarette into the ash tray and leaned his head back against the chipped headboard.

I stared at the dancing lights on the floor from his computer's screensaver. The red glared over the green and made odd colors that flashed and caught my attention.

Edward's finger tapped my jaw and I looked up at him. His green eyes were dull, his face hard and emotionless as usual. It'd been a while since I saw him do anything with emotion. Even his outburst didn't contort his face with madness or rage, just a slight furrow in his brows and expletives that left his lips to get his point across.

"Bella?" He asked again, his eyebrow raising.

I took a deep breath and looked at the floor, concentrating on the absurdly entertaining red and green lights on the carpet. I could see blue start to come in and I focused on that for a moment.

"Today was the first time that I've been really afraid of being found out." He didn't say anything, but I saw his eyes were focused on the floor, too. "All this time I've felt guilty, and nervous, but never petrified to a point where I have to panic and really feel like it's all over. I never noticed how much I have wagered in this…"

"We never do," he sighed, his fingers flicking the lighter on and off. "But you knew what would happen from the beginning, right?"

"Yeah, of course.. The only reason I'm with Jacob is because of college. This is my chance to start the rest of my life."

"But what about when you're out of college? When you just become _comfortable _with that guy and it becomes normal and nothing new. What then, Bella?"

"I haven't thought that far ahead. I guess I just have to make it through high school before I plan any further than that. And then once that's over I have to get into Dartmouth." I sighed at the end.

"And when you're in Dartmouth? I know that Black is planning on staying here, going to Seattle for college, or maybe Oregon. But what about when he wants to see you? You're not the kind of person who just blows someone off once you get what you want. And you know he'll just hold something over your head to keep you with him. I have no doubt of that."

"How do you know that? You're biased, Edward. You hate him, and he hates you. I don't believe anything either of you say about the other."

"What does he say he about me?" Edward snapped, looking over at me. "If he's telling you bull shit lies and all that then I can tell you some pretty fucked up things about him, too."

"He doesn't say anything about you," I mumbled. "He hates you; if someone brings up your name he gets angry and walks away."

"Good." His wary, angered eyes moved to the sky in front of us through his window.

I shook my head and pulled my legs to my chest. "This is too difficult."

"Which part, cheating on your boyfriend with his mortal enemy or worrying about what said boyfriend is going to do in order to control you next?"

"Would you stop it?" I snapped, moving away to look at him. "What the hell is going on between you two that you hate each other so much?"

"Nothing, Bella. Nothing you need to worry about." He leaned back and took another shot before I got up and walked out of the room.

"The hell I don't!" I yelled.

The house was empty while I walked out to my car and set down the driveway and away from his house. Something about my taste in men just didn't make me feel all that confident.

* * *

**A/N: What _is _going on, Bella? What indeed.**

**No one knows, not even me. O.o**

**Don't forget to review!**


	7. Chapter 7

**A/N: Guh, long wait. Sorry about that.**

**Good news is that sofomores and freshman have testing my school so I get doubly time to write in the morning, two hours worth of it. Bad news is that I've already outlined the end of this story, and I'm close to finishing up the writing. :( But I still have a lot more chapters to post before that even comes close.**

**This chapter is one of my favourites, namely because the band Mainline is the lover to my ears. I'll post a link to their website, you can listen to a couple free songs, but you can only get this song on iTunes. I just so happen to have the album. :P**

* * *

Crawl, sex appease slowly  
crawl, let it fill up  
crawl, sex appease down things  
crawl, let them feel out

—Mainline;_ Brilliance of Shadow_

* * *

Luckily enough for me, Edward wasn't in school the next day. He skipped and coincidentally, so did Jacob. The thought of them running into each other without the social security of a safe environment made me a little unsure of staying the rest of the day.

But missing even one day of school was completely out of the question for me. There was no doubt in my mind they'd be fine, so long as they stayed away from each other… Well, okay. Maybe I was worried just the slightest bit.

My stomach had butterflies in it all day; I was still reeling from almost being caught by Jacob. My jaw chattered relentlessly for most of the day, and my nerves were too sensitive to deal with anything besides trying to figure out how a polynomial would affect the rest of my life.

I tried to relate to it, or relate it to me. I used to ask myself how reading would help me out in the future, and look how that turned out.

I was on the verge of talking to my sheet of paper. _Okay,_ I thought,_ let's just do this._ The only word that stuck in my head was poly, the word for many.. Many numbers, many uses. Taxes… rent… I'd need to find out the sum of something at one point or another in my life.

The other thing that stuck in my head, the thought which constantly dribbled from my frontal lobe, was the word _poly-amorous_.

Multiple partners…

I wasn't poly-amorous, was I? That word was meant as something long term, and something that probably required both members of said relationship to be in the know. Edward had grown used to it, but Jacob?

I cringed away from my desk. Jacob was a big guy; he towered over Edward, and he played football. Edward knew how to fight dirty, but Jacob had muscles and years of being beaten on in his favour. Edward, on the other hand, probably wouldn't walk away without a couple bruises, if not a few broken bones.

_Enough!_ I thought. This was ridiculous. Jacob wouldn't find out. There wouldn't be a collective trip to the hospital, and nothing would screw this up. Edward would keep his mouth shut and we'd continue on with what we had been doing for more than a year now.

I breathed in deeply and concentrated on the dark ink on the page in front of me. I blew away the eraser dust and started over on the same problem I'd been working on for little over half the class.

--

Two days had passed since I'd spoke to Edward. I called him once, and only got his voicemail. If he wanted to talk he would call back. He needed his space because, unlike me, he had a life with friends who depended on him.

Because of the torrential downpour that suddenly appeared after the one sunny day Forks had seen in a decade or two, the fields were completely soaked over. The mud was so deep it was starting to get into quicksand territory. Maintenance had given up on salvaging the grass, and greenery abandoned the flowers they planted there. The bulbs were dead; why go and dig them up?

Jacob had been pushy lately. I was usually passive about this, but I had to admit that what Edward had babbled about the other night was… digging into me rabidly.

I found myself constantly thinking about it.

When I slept I had visions of me in an ugly wedding dress that I had seen while watching some reality show. All the girls were talking about how beautiful it was, and I saw the way Jacob spaced a bit, not really caring. I saw myself just living a completely unhappy, comfortable life.

If I didn't make it to Dartmouth, what then? My stomach sank and I breathed out a shaky breath.

"You alright, Bells?" Jacob asked. "You're always staring off into space." His eyebrows furrowed together and I looked over at him.

"No, everything's… peachy."

His arm wrapped around my shoulders and he pulled me closer to his side. And for the first time since we started dating, I didn't play into his embrace. My body went stock still and I stood up quickly.

"I'm going to bathroom," I stated, walking down the hallway and past Billy who was sitting at the table in his wheelchair.

He didn't look up at me, and I didn't look at him.

Once I was in the bathroom I ran the water as cold as I could get it and splashed it on my face. The first shock ran down my spine and I looked at my face in the mirror..

It didn't look any different.

My nose was red and my cheeks were pink from the cold water, but my eyes were just their regular coffee brown. My hair was straight with those little curls that annoyed me, but these things were _normal_.

I looked away from my reflection quickly and picked up a towel to wipe my face with. I felt sick being in Jacob's house; I didn't want to be in this relationship, I didn't want to be his girlfriend. I never did, but now I felt so morosely guilty for being in it. He cared enough to stick with me even though he knew I was in it for the wrong reasons.

If he knew the whole truth he would be disgusted with me.

It's not like I wanted to be in a relationship with Edward or anything. He was nice and all, but this was strictly friend with benefits—while I cheated on my boyfriend.

I felt sick.

--

Two days after my pity party in Jacob's bathroom, Edward came back. I saw him with his friends gambling on the patio. His pile was the smallest of them all, and he looked concentrated like always.

He gambled too much.

And he rarely ever won.

It was something that both bothered and worried me, but at the same time I had no right to interfere with him and his… extracurricular activities.

I couldn't watch him lose again, so I walked off to class ten minutes early and sat in Spanish, doodling across a blank sheet of paper; squiggles and lines that didn't make any sense and didn't have any direction. The story of my life.

God, what was wrong with me?

I sounded like a whiney little emo kid.

I made the decision right then and there not to let my mood determine the rest of my day. I'd manage to get through this… somehow.

The rest of class I mainly stared at the back of Edward's head. I didn't mean to, but there was a piece of burnt hair that caught my attention and I swear to God I could see a face in it.

This irritated Jacob, who was constantly grabbing my attention. He would write something from the board onto my notes to get me back in focus, or he'd pass me a note. Like we were in middle school again.

Tests were handed back at the end of class. My grade was the highest, which decided the rest of my day. I smiled until last period, successfully making it through without incident of occurrence.

--

American culture has set the standard for forbidden romance amongst the general public.

I mean, soap operas, romance novels, even the gossip magazines pick up on cheating in relationships.

Was it even about love? Did any of this happen for the sake of it?

I doubted that; s_everely_ doubted that.

But still, to put yourself out there and then stay with that person had to take some sort of emotional investment. To publicly ridicule yourself and then stay there and not care what anyone thinks of you as long as you're happy—love or no love—and living a life you wanted to live.

I was not living the life I wanted to live.

I wanted to go to college. I didn't want to die a virgin. I wanted to be socially capable, and I wanted a successful future. But… maybe this wasn't the best way to go about getting it.

There was no love anywhere in this, and therefore I could not be satisfied.

I didn't love Jacob, and if he loved me it was one-sided and obsolete. God, I sound cold, but it's true. I could never love Jacob; it wasn't like that. He wanted to change everyone around him, and in turn the people around him changed who he used to be. When we were kids he used to be this fun loving person that you couldn't help but smile around. Now he was just this guy that you wanted to be around because he had a great smile and could make you laugh, but he was colder.

I think people knew there wasn't much chemistry between us. Girls hit on him constantly, and I'd have to act upset and jealous because that's what whiney teenage girlfriends do.

I had to act like I hated Edward when he glared at him in the hall. I didn't hate Edward, though. He was a good guy with a bit of an attitude, but that shouldn't define him.

The thing about Edward was that he was loyal. He was aggressive, but if someone was messing with a friend of his he'd risked getting his ass beat to stand up for them..

With Edward it wasn't the case of Bros Before Hoes; it was Friends Before Anything. That was the defining quality about him, the loyal trustworthiness that drew people to him.

For Jacob it was that easy going laid back attitude that made you melt. Well, until you looked past it and found out he was a relatively boring guy who wasn't good at making conversation, only throwing bits and pieces in wherever he thought it was necessary.

I snapped my head up as soon as I realized I was comparing and contrasting the two of them. What was wrong with me?

My eyes settled back on the page in front of me and I sighed loudly, rubbing my eyes with the heel of my hand. It wasn't often I thought about them together and then went back and forth comparing different traits. For a moment I considered it, though. Who had the better personality and who had the better body? Huh, I don't think I could deal with that right now.

I heard footsteps on the carpet and my head snapped up.

Edward.

He looked at me and continued to walk on. He didn't stop, but he went to the room behind me.. The door was on my right and I could hear him sliding down the wall. Our backs were pressed together through the thick plaster and I could hear him shuffling out whatever paper he needed.

"Hey," he murmured.

"Where've you been for the past week?" I whispered, aware of the people in the area around us.

"No greeting or 'how have you been'?"

"No, you didn't call me or anything. Jacob's been gone a lot, too. I thought you guys might have gotten into it or something."

He snorted loudly and I heard a thud against the wall before the scratching of a pencil.

"No, we didn't get into it; I haven't seen him all week. Don't worry about it." He murmured back.

"Can you blame me for being worried?" I asked. "I don't know what's going on that you two hate each other so much, but I just don't like violence and—"

"It's really none of your business, Bella." His voice was bored and he yawned at the end.

"It is, I'm his girlfriend, and we're—we're—"

"We're what, Bella? What were you going to say, huh? He's your boyfriend and I'm your fuck buddy?"

"That's not it…"

"Yeah, it really is. Now can we not talk about this? I just got to school and this place is a hellhole as it is without fighting with you." A book closed and I heard more shuffling. "I have a fucking mountain of homework here."

"Anything I can help you with?" I asked.

"Yeah… you know how to check for punctuation?"

"Uh-huh."

"Here." His hand popped out and he passed off a thick packet with his name at the top scrawled in messy pen.

"You have horrible hand writing," I mused.

"I know. It used to be good and then I don't know what happened." He chuckled and I heard books being thrown around the floor.

We sat in comfortable silence while I circled spelling mistakes in green and punctuation mistakes in red, looking over the short story that was relatively boring. Edward cursed over his math homework and I could imagine his hands running through his hair with each sigh.

"Bella!"

My head snapped up and I saw Jacob standing across from me, in front of the computers with a grin on his face. Edward's jaw snapped closed behind me.

_Just act cool,_ I thought to myself.

"Hey," I whispered as he came closer.

"What are you doing here? Everyone's in the senior courtyard." He squatted down in front of me and his eyes swept over the work laid out before me.

"I have work to do." I shrugged.

His fingers picked up the spine of the book I had been reading and he made a face while he flipped through it.

"Why do you read this?" he asked.

"I like it," I grumbled.

"It's just so old; none of this stuff applies to you."

"I _like_ it."

"It's from eighteen forty seven!" he yelled with disgust. My jaw clenched and I closed my eyes tightly.

I heard him shuffling around and when I opened my eyes he was elbow deep in his backpack throwing out crumpled papers. When his hand emerged he had a copy of the Teenager Hand Guide and a shit eating grin on his face. Jacob tossed my book across the floor and threw his book on my lap.

"What is this?" I mumbled. I looked at the table of contents and caught onto body building, dieting, and making a good impression on someone.

"It's the best book, everyone's reading it. It's like half guide book and half novel. It's really good, Bella. Give it a try."

I liked romance…

"Yeah… I guess.. I'm not all that into New Age stuff."

"It's not New Age," he said defensively. His brow kind of came down in a half-glare. I shrank back a bit.

"Alright," I mumbled.

"Come on, everyone's waiting." He smiled again.

"I have a ton of work to do and I really need to get it done." I held up the packet and Jacob stood up, towering over me.

"If you're sure…" he hesitated. I smiled up at him and he grinned down at me, walking across the library and out the double doors.

"A bit pushy, huh?" Edward piped up.

"No… he just has his own opinion on literature."

I sat up on my knees and crawled over to where my book was. When I turned around half of Edward's body was hanging out of the door.

"What?" I asked while I crawled.

"Nice view." He grinned.

I rolled my eyes, trying to ignore the blush that came up my cheeks and forehead. He slid back into the room and started to shuffle through his bag again. I stuffed my book and Jacob's into my backpack and went back to correcting.

"So you're just gonna take that?" he asked.

"Take what? Nothing happened."

"He's trying to brain wash you with that New Age crap."

"I won't actually read it. I'll probably just Spark Note it and hope I can hold up a conversation about it." I flipped the page and leaned my head back.

"Sure," he drawled. "So tell me what the first chapter was about."

"I think it said something about wearing fitted clothing to make your body look more like a pencil than an hourglass. Or maybe it was how to stick your finger down your throat without scratching the uvula with your acrylic." I answered.

"What chapter would I look through to find which material would be softest to stuff my crotch with?"

"Chapter six, right after getting padded bras and before how to act like a pseudo-lesbian without being an actual lesbian."

"Hmm… this is gonna be some new age alright."

"Yep."

* * *

**A/N: Oh yes, it will be quite the new age.**

**I don't know about you guys but there's some Teenage Guide Book floating around the school in my neck of the woods. There are kids who swear by it. There's different books for different areas, states, regions etc. but they're essentially the same. I think Chicken Soup for the Soul was a popularized one, I never read it, though. Shrug.**

**A couple people asked if Jacob was pushing Bella for anything, and worried about consensual rape. That's not it, Bella is eager to please him, and sexually is the easiest way, considering all of her time spent in the sack in Emotionlessward/ Ass-backwardsward.**

**Don't forget to review! (and today's the last to day to vote for the Bellie awards over at TheCatt(dot)not Labour of Devotion is up for best collab :D)**


	8. Chapter 8

**A/N: Seriously, this song has like a hundred different names. But when I was writing this chapter the version from _Jihad ep._ came on and I was so pumped to write it.**

**This is my first attempt at writing the big scene in this chapter, so be nice. :)**

* * *

Say what you need to save your soul  
But don't fuck with me  
I'm losin' control  
I'm so tired of this, so sick of you  
My tongue is battered and bruised  
From all these attitudes

—OTEP; Otep Shamaya; _Sacrilege, The Lord Is My Weapon, God Is A Gun_

* * *

Three days later I hadn't touched the Teenage Hand Guide and I didn't intend to. Jacob had been asking and I Spark Noted every chapter. It sounded boring; every chapter was about improving yourself in order to make others think better of you.

Edward and I had been talking more. He didn't ignore my calls or texts but he called and texted me instead. Things were back in normalcy and complete complacency. I was starting to get bored.

I was getting ready for some stupid party that Mike Newtown was throwing in honor of his parents leaving for the weekend. I wouldn't celebrate that; they might not come back for him.

I had jeans and a t-shirt on and I was good to go. Well, I had to admit I looked a good, with my new jeans and a fitted top that made my cleavage look _really_ nice.

Edward offered me a ride, but somehow I figured that going with him and meeting Jacob there wouldn't fly so well. Besides, Edward had his boys with him and I had a feeling I wouldn't exactly fit in with that crowd.

What is it with high school parties and the clichéd red cups? If the cops come they obviously know what everyone is drinking.

The lawn was completely littered with teenagers. Some were already passed out and it was only an hour in. I saw Jessica Stanley in bikini hanging around Mike's torso while she was halfway in a hot tub.

Jacob whistled across the lawn and I made my way over slowly while trying to avoid a guy dancing around with a lampshade over his head. Jesus, this was clichéd! I half expected a guy in a toga to come out of the house with a beer bong.

I walked over the pitfalls that had been created by numerous people falling on their asses and made my way to Jacob. He smiled and wrapped an arm around my shoulders while all of his friends watched Quil and Embry jam a pocket knife into the side of a beer can and chug out of the hole. Quil pulled away and dropped his can, belching out his girlfriend's name.

Claire hid her face and mumbled something about going to the bathroom. And because of unwritten girl law I went with her.

The house wasn't much better than the lawn. The couch had a gash down the middle and there was a guy passed out with 'Ball sack' written across his forehead in green permanent marker.

Some music was playing, the bass thumping against the walls and floor and girls were using anything as a pole—even guys. I wondered what the Teenager Hand Guide would say about that.

Claire left for the bathroom and I waited outside, kind of shifting back and forth so I didn't look completely out of place standing next to a door that had wads of food stuck to it and several stains, one of which I was sure was urine.

"Hey," someone's hand touched my waist and I spun around with my arm pulled backwards and my hand balled into a fist.

My hand dropped when I saw who it was. Edward was standing in front of me, a lazy look in his eye and his hair all over the place. I could smell the alcohol on his breath and the hand on my hip pulled me closer.

"What are you doing?" I hissed, looking around the room for anyone who might be watching.

"Don't worry about it," he drawled. "No one's lookin' at us."

"You don't know that," I panicked.

"No, I do. Everyone's bombed, Bell. Have you looked at the lawn yet?"

Edward's hand tugged on my hips again and he pulled me so that our chests were touching. His fingers ran up my spine and my eyes drooped a bit. The sound of flushing echoed behind the door and I pulled away.

"Hold on," I whispered and then faced the door.

Claire walked out and smoothed her shirt before glancing at me, smiling, and then walked toward the porch where everyone was. For the first time I felt grateful she was passive about me.

"Bitch," Edward muttered.

I turned around and found him leaning against the wall with his eyes shut. I couldn't help but smile to myself.

"You are _so_ drunk."

"I am not drunk, Bella." He opened one eye and peeked down at me. "I may be tipsy, but if I was drunk I'd be fighting with someone right now."

"You're not a violent drunk."

"I am tonight."

I cocked my head to the side and he reached an arm out to pull me closer. His nose touched my hair and he inhaled loudly.

"What are you doing?" I asked, trying to hide the giggles that wanted to escape.

"Do you realize that for the past two weeks the only thing I've done is eaten you out? You've been so worried about Jacob almost catching us, we haven't done _anything_."

"Why didn't you just go to someone else? I know that sophomore girl has been dying to get in your pants."

"Because I don't whore around anymore," he mumbled.

"What?" I asked, pulling away.

"I dunno, I haven't been with anyone 'sides you in like… four months."

This was news. I had thought that Edward was with anyone he could possibly get his hands on whenever given the chance. Four months? He'd _only_ been with me for four months?

"Does that bother you? You're pretty good in bed, I'm not gonna lie. And you _were_ a virgin before we met. Plus you aren't like the other girls either. Eye contact doesn't make you freak out." He chuckled and his hands went to my hips.

"No, it doesn't bother me. But I thought you'd want more. We can't meet as often anymore, with Jacob being around all the time."

"Fuck Jacob Black," he growled. "Get rid of that dog. He's a sick motherfucker."

"Don't say that, Edward."

"No, I'm sick of his sorry ass." He pulled his arms back and his eyebrows pulled down.

I was completely taken aback at the disgust on his face. This was more emotion than I'd seen in all the time I'd known him. More than the passion or the happiness, this raging disgust made him seem so much more human than anything else.

His expression softened a bit and he put a hand on my cheek. I hadn't realized I'd been staring open mouthed at him. My jaw snapped up and I tried to control my expression.

"Sorry," he murmured. "Didn't mean to scare you."

I shook my head quickly. "No, no you didn't." His hand wrapped around my waist again. "You're very handsy tonight."

"I can't help it," he shrugged.

His fingers dug into my skin and he pushed my hips directly into his. I swallowed hard and my hands went to his chest, grasping the material of his shirt.

I could feel it then, cradled against my stomach and pressing at me. My eyes dropped a bit and I could just feel the soaking in my panties. Edward's hands slid down my back and to the top of my ass.

I wondered when things had become this intimate between us. I could think of nothing wrong with the movements, but to anyone else it would like something completely different. Not even lovers to someone else; just two people who might be together.

But I didn't love Edward.

I didn't love him like that; I didn't love _anyone_ like _that._

I was just a teenager, and why confuse myself with the theories of attempts and fails at a relationship? Why maim myself and try to fall in love with someone? Why do teenagers have to be so stupid?

I was smart.

I mean, I wasn't obligated with anything. I was okay and content with what I had.

Right?

Edward's hands slipped into the back pockets of my jeans and he palmed my ass in each large, warm hand.

"You have the best ass," he sighed.

I smiled and pushed my body closer, pressing his erection between us. He hissed and his hips bucked forward. I did it again and he groaned out my name breathlessly.

"Edward," I muttered into his shirt. I kind of moaned and pushed my face further into his chest.

"I think we should get out of—" he sucked in a sharp breath. "Aw, fucking hell."

"What?" I asked, looking up at him. His eyes were focused on something across the room and he squeezed my ass one more time before he unwrapped his arms from around me.

I turned around and tried to find what he looking at—and boy did I find it.

I'd seen a lot of scary things in my life. I'd once gone to a horror fest and seen some of the scariest, goriest, more terrifying scenes that still gave me nightmares.

I saw Charlie's head on picnic table when I was eight on Halloween. I ended up passing out and hitting my arm on the couch, managing to get a hairline fracture.

My truck had broken down in a pretty bad area that was known for harboring rapists and murderers and I managed to make it through that alive.

But this? Oh no, this was by _far _the scariest thing I'd ever seen.

Even Chuck Norris would cower in fear, and _nothing _scared him.

Jacob was standing in the doorway, one fist clutching the wood and the other breaking through the plaster lining the wall. His eyes were tight and his mouth was set in a thin, straight line. I thought I could see steam coming out of his ears.

I pushed away from Edward immediately, but being the idiot jackass that he was, he wrapped an arm around my shoulders. He picked up a shot glass that was on the table next to him and swallowed it in one gulp.

Jacob walked towards us and the only thing I could think about was if Edward was drunk enough to not be able to hear his bones cracking.

_Oh God, oh God, oh God, oh God. _My mind raced a million miles a minute and it finally hit me what was going on.

Not only was my entire future screwed, but Edward might die.

"Your heart's thumping a thousand miles, Bell," Edward murmured.

"He's gonna kill you," I whispered.

"No, he's not; but I might just kill him now that I have the chance."

Edward walked forward with his arm still wrapped around me. I figured out quickly that I was the peace piece and that maybe if I was close enough to Edward he wouldn't punch. Edward's right side was still open, though…

Jacob glared at Edward and Edward looked back with no emotion, seeming almost bored with the whole thing. But I could hear his heart because of my proximity and I knew that he was anything but bored.

We were both screwed on this one.

"What the _fuck_ is going on?" Jacob broke the silence first and he glared down at me before looking back at Edward.

Edward's arm dropped from my shoulders and shoved a hand in his pocket. "Dunno. What do you think, Black?"

Oh he fucking did _not_ just say that!

His eyebrow raised and innuendo was laced all throughout his voice. I was about ready to be the one to kill him.

All this work, all of this hiding was for nothing. Edward just threw it all out the goddamn window and now I was never getting into Dartmouth. Jacob would probably tell all the teachers I cheated and I was a horrible kid who didn't deserve a recommendation.

My eyes started to water and I pushed Edward away from me as hard as I could. He looked down at me with surprise, like he just expected me to be okay with him joking around about this.

"Bella is that true?" Jacob turned to me and I had never seen him this angry in my entire life. My heart started jumping in my chest, like a lamb in front of a wolf.

"N-no!" I screamed.

"You're a fucking liar, Cullen!" Jacob moved closer to Edward and he stood his ground, his face hard and no longer bored.

Half the room was staring at us and I could feel the words flying out of everyone's mouths just as I could hear them.

"What's going on?"

"Black and Cullen are going at it!"

"Over _Bella Swan_?"

"They could both do better."

I swallowed and tried to focus on the two boys in front of me who were ready to rip each other's heads off.

"Outside," Jacob hissed.

Edward didn't answer but went around Jacob and out onto the porch and down to the lawn. He didn't seem to care that his back was turned to Jacob but I noticed that his two wingmen stopped whatever they were doing and were outside with him in a heartbeat.

Jasper grabbed my arm and pulled me off to the side. "You don't want to be in the middle of this."

The big burly guy beside him whistled low. "This is gonna be one hell of a blood bath."

"Fifty on Edward," Jasper piped up.

"Then I guess I'm stuck with Black on this one," Emmett sighed.

Edward pushed his sleeves up and Jacob glared at him the entire time. The entire crowd was circled around them and I saw Quil and Embry on the opposite side of where I was standing with Jasper and Emmett.

Every one of Jacob's friends were looking at the two of them, trying to figure out what was going on. Leah Clearwater glanced over and her eye caught mine. She tugged on Claire's arm and they both looked at me. I think it dawned on them then that I was the reason Jacob and Edward were standing across from each other ready to beat the shit out of the other.

Some kid entered the circle and acted as referee, telling them useless rules that neither one was listening to, and when he screamed "go!" both boys jumped at it.

Jacob pulled back his arm and tried to punch Edward while Edward moved out of the way and got behind him. Jacob's arms were locked in Edward's and he pushed his leg back to kick Edward in the shin.

I heard Edward curse before moving back and waiting for Jacob to go for him again. He did just that; Jacob ran forward and tried to tackle Edward. He managed to escape from it and that left Jacob on the ground.

He was on his feet again in an instant and this time Edward tackled him to the ground.

"Whoo! You see that?" Jasper shouted.

"Sure as hell did! When did Edward learn to tackle?" Emmett laughed back.

Edward was on top of Jacob's torso and his fist reeled back to punch him in the cheek. Jacob groaned out and Edward brought his fist back to hit again.

Jacob rolled over and pushed Edward onto his back, his head knocking into the ground. Jacob pulled his fist back and I watched him hit the side of Edward's skull.

"Oh shit," Emmett muttered.

Edward sat up and pushed Jacob back on the ground. This time he stood up and wiped at the blood that was pooling at his temple. Jacob got back up on shaky feet and lunged at Edward. He didn't have time to move other than to twist his body so that he landed on his shoulder rather than his arm.

In a movement too fast for me to see, Jacob was on his stomach and Edward was sitting on his back. Edward's feet were digging on his arms and pinning them down in the dirt. His hands grabbed under Jacob's chin and pulled his neck back.

Emmett whistled low again. And Jasper leaned forward to get a better look.

"Wrestling came in handy, huh?"

"Wish it didn't. I'm losing fifty on this," Emmett chuckled.

Edward pulled back and the crowd around them erupted in screaming, booing and cheers alike. When Jacob started to lift his legs up to kick at his back, Edward's jaw clenched and he pulled harder on his neck.

"You'll pass out before I give up," Edward grunted.

"Fuck you," Jacob spat.

"Just give up, you pussy. Tell me I'm better and that I own you."

"I'm better and I own you," Jacob hissed.

Edward laughed loudly and pulled back again on his neck. "Don't be funny, Black. If I pull back hard enough I could snap your neck."

"What the fuck do you even want?"

"I want a lot of things." Jacob tried to free his arms and Edward dug his heels in deeper..

"No, why her?"

My face got red and even though it was stupid and self-centred I still felt my heart jump as some of the people in the crowd looked at me, already guessing.

"Wait, who?" Emmett asked. "Edward doesn't have a girl."

Jasper looked down at me from the corner of his eye and I flushed.

Edward didn't say anything, but his heels dug into Jacob's arm and he cried out. This was going too far. I expected punches and kicking and tackling, but not this.

"'Cause she's mine, dumbass," he said flippantly and pulled back on his neck.

As soon as Edward leaned back while pulling Jacob's neck towards him, Jacob's leg came up and kicked him square in the back.

Edward's mouth opened and he groaned. His legs lifted just enough for Jacob to get his arms out and throw Edward onto the ground.

Edward rolled and Jacob threw himself on top of him. Jacob's fist came down and hit Edward's cheek, then again in the same spot, and then another. Edward's fist shot up and hit him in the nose. Jacob ignored the blood and pain and reeled back for another shot.

Just as his fist hit the same spot as the other three, Edward's leg came up and hit Jacob between the legs. I saw his mouth pop open and his face got a bit red before he leaned over and started almost wheezing.

"Not cool," Emmett muttered.

Edward stood up, and though he wobbled a little, he stood over Jacob and rubbed the blood from his cheek away.

Jacob was still wheezing on the ground, his hand holding his crotch and he looked like he could cry.

"You fucking bastard," he choked.

"Ain't I?" Edward panted. "Get up."

Jacob stayed on the ground, still wheezing.

"You give up?"

"No!"

"Then get the fuck off the ground and fight."

"Fuck you!"

"Get the fuck up or else you quit!"

Jacob stood on his knees, wincing and breathing heavily all the way. Once he managed to get up on his feet his legs were shaking and he looked like he might just fall over.

His arm pushed back and he threw a punch that Edward easily moved around. Edward avoided walking on his right leg and his left eye was swollen with blood all around it.

Edward brought back his fist, and right as he was sure that it'd hit him, Jacob's hand caught Edward's fist and he pulled him closer. Edward stumbled closer to Jacob and then his fist was in his stomach.

Edward dropped on the ground, he started to heave and eventually he started to throw up. Jacob was panting above him and he grabbed onto his hair. Edward rose painfully unsteady to his feet and Jacob let go of his hair to punch his shoulder. I think he might have been going for his neck, but he was just shy of the collarbone.

Edward stepped backward, and tried to collect himself some. Jacob tried to move forward, but as his leg pushed out he screamed and his hands went back to his crotch.

"God," he gasped.

The crowd screamed and cheered out their names and that overpowered everything else. The alcohol was forgotten, anything they'd been previously doing was forgotten, and everything was focused on two people trying to kill each other..

This was disgusting.

I felt hideous standing in this crowd of onlookers and being the only one who shed a tear for their pain.

I turned on my heel and headed in any other direction but the scene in front of me.

"Whoa, where you going, Bella?" Jasper grabbed my shoulder and turned me towards him.

"I—" through the mass hysteria that was erupting around me I managed to see the red and blue lights that I had grown up with, and then, the distinct sound of a police siren.

"Oh shit! Cops!" Emmett's booming voice somehow made it over the roar of the crowd, and now instead of cheering there was screaming and panic.

Everyone in the circle fled and Jasper grabbed onto my arm before pulling me out into the woods.

"Wait!"

"Do you wanna get caught? I don't think your dad would like that very much."

Instead of arguing, I ran with Jasper and Emmett into the woods and listened to the sounds of the police coming in and yelling at people to stop running.

"Is he behind us?" Jasper asked.

Emmett looked back and grinned. "Yeah, looking beat up as all hell."

"I'd like to see Black run with broken balls." He laughed.

By the time I was winded and couldn't stand to run anymore, Jasper stopped pulling me and I sat on a tree stump. I listened to Jasper and Emmett talk about highlights of the fight, laughing about faces that either Edward or Jacob made.

_Disgusting…_

Silent tears trailed down my face and I wiped at them furiously, wishing that I would just stop crying like a little girl and maybe join in with them. But I couldn't; I had just seen two people that I did love, even if it wasn't the way they wanted, get hurt and hurt the other.

"Hey, what's wrong?" I looked up and Emmett's attention was on me.

"N—nothing, sorry."

"Don't be sorry; just tell me what's wrong." He rolled his eyes.

I shrugged. "I've never seen a fight before… and not between two people I… know."

"You get used to it." Jasper waved his hand, looking out into the woods.

A branch cracked followed by a loud cuss and I saw Edward walking out through the thick underbrush.

"You couldn't wait for me?" he accused.

"Not when cops are involved." Emmett grinned.

"Way to get your ass beat," Jasper laughed, grinning at Edward who looked pissed.

"_My_ ass beat? No, I think you have me confused with Black. He'll have blue balls for the rest of his goddamn life. I hope they have to amputate."

"You could put them on your mantle as a trophy." Emmett boomed out a laugh and punched Edward in the arm.

He winced and looked over at me, probably noticing that I was here for the first time. He walked over and sat on the ground next to me with a loud sigh. The side of his face was covered in blood and his eye was already bruising.

"How much did you guys bet on my wellbeing?" he asked when he was on his back, looking at the night sky.

"Only fifty," Jasper answered.

"Only fifty…" he mumbled. "That's pretty tame for you, Jasper."

"Well, go figure that the cops would show up, you know?" Emmett grinned and Jasper elbowed him.

"What the fuck did you guys do?" Edward asked while he leaned up on his elbows.

"Called the cops," Emmett answered.

"What?" I gasped.

Everyone turned to look at me and Emmett continued to explain. "As soon as I saw your dumb ass leading Black outside I figured that before either one of you goes to jail for manslaughter that maybe we should, you know, put a little life insurance out there just in case."

"Great to know you have faith in me."

"Oh, come on, Edward," Jasper said seriously. "Any other guy we would have left you out there on your own, but this is Black. You guys have this unworldly hate for each other. Plus, the guy plays football, he's the star quarterback, and could clothesline any guy and take his head clean off."

My eyes widened and Emmett laughed at my expression. "So why's this girl with us? Not that I have anything against Miss Bella Swan, but I thought you'd be rooting on your boyfriend."

"I think he qualifies as a girlfriend now. Those balls might as well become concave." Edward chuckled and tried to get on his feet. "We better get out of here before they send out the dogs. I'm pretty sure Carlisle's home anyway."

"Good thing I parked in the lot down the street," I muttered.

"Oh sweet, she's got a car. You're giving us a ride home then." Emmett wrapped an arm around my shoulders and steered me through the woods, moving diagonally so we wouldn't cross paths with the police. Edward didn't speak directly to me, and Jasper did more than necessary, so we walked away in this strange little group where I somehow awkwardly fit in.

Go figure.

* * *

**A/N: I've never written a fight scene before, but I think I did an okay job with it. Feedback and critique is fully appreciated!**

**Poor Jacob's balls. Poor Edward's body. Who wants to kiss them and make 'em all better? ;)**

**Don't forget to review!**


	9. Chapter 9

**A/N: H_e_re were go.**

* * *

"See, there's a part of every person that doesn't necessarily trust someone else." He explained with inconsequential metaphor just dripping from that serpant like tongue, "Love, as an example, would be the common theory to test upon. Love can be one sided, and, eh, it can be even--but it fades out over time kid, you be damn sure to write that in your paper."

--Poor Old Mr. Solomen.

* * *

The four of us drove in my Chevy truck to Edward's house. Edward was beside me smoking a cigarette and checking for damage on his arms and legs. His leg was bruised all along the shin.

Emmett and Jasper were in the bed of my truck, laughing loudly and flipping the bird to anyone that we passed. There was a trail of teenagers along the road, looking for their parents or trying to hitch a ride with someone—me included.

I took the familiar route to Edward's house as he tried to wipe the blood from his face in the pull the down mirror.

When I finally made it to the house Emmett and Jasper jumped out from the truck bed, laughing and pushing each other around like fifth graders. Edward didn't move from his spot in the passenger's seat, but just kept smoking his cigarette and staring at the house in front of him, wincing periodically.

"Are you okay?" I asked.

He nodded his head forward and then leaned it back against the seat. Emmett and Jasper were trying to mock fight each other and laughing at whatever the other one said.

"I'm fine. I've had worse," he murmured while he blew out the smoke. "What about you?"

Me? He was worried about me? He just had the side of his face pounded in and he was worried about how I was doing?

"I'm perfectly fine; I don't have a mark on me."

He took a drag and tapped a finger on my elbow where there was a bruise forming. He smiled a little to himself and then rubbed a hand up my arm. His eyes closed and he released the smoke from his lungs.

"No, I mean, like, emotionally," he whispered in the dark.

"Yeah… yeah. I'm fine." My hands were fidgeting and no matter how hard I tried to make them stay still they kept squirming around in my lap. "Why'd you do that?"

"I don't know," he sighed. "I couldn't help myself…." His eyes closed and he lifted his good leg to put his cigarette out on the bottom of his shoe.

"Well, you should have thought more about it. Do you know what J—"

"Don't say his name."

"Fine, do you know what he's going to think of me? My chance of college is ruined now. It's up in flames because you had to act immature!" My eyes closed and I felt tears sting at my eyelids.

"I'm sorry," he whispered. I shook my head and looked away at the other two who were still roughhousing with each other.

I opened my car door and stepped out onto the dirt and gravel. I heard Edward's door open and close behind me and I don't know what I was thinking, but I walked up to Emmett and Jasper and watched them both laugh at each other. They looked at me and then brought me into their fun.

It was… weird.

They were acting like I had always been there and they smiled all the same. And then it hit me; how long I had I been socially backwards? Why did this seem like such a big deal? They were probably drunk or still pumped from the adrenaline rush of the fight. But no matter how much I reasoned with myself I had to admit that I liked the idea of having a group to belong to.

Keys jingled from the porch steps and we all looked up as the door to the house opened and Edward walked in—leaving it wide open for us.

Emmett and Jasper walked up to the door, but I hesitated. My car was right there; I could leave and they probably wouldn't even notice, or I could stay and maybe get to know them better. I'd never really had the chance to talk to either of them before and now I liked them. They were fun and nice, just normal teenage boys.

"Well come on already!" Emmett wrapped an arm around my shoulders and pulled me up the steps and into the house.

I'd been here so many times before, but not when it was teeming with life like this. I could smell food cooking from the kitchen and there were voices in the small dining room with the oversized table.

"Do I even want to know how this happened?"

"No, probably not."

"Alright," the voice sighed.

A woman's voice came next, worried and frantic. "How could this happen? How could you two let this happen to him?"

"He's a big boy, Esme," Emmett chuckled. "If it's any consolation, he did more damage than he got."

Jasper laughed and I followed the sound of his voice through the foyer. They were all sitting in the living room, Emmett and Jasper on two old chairs and Edward on the couch with a blonde haired man and caramel haired woman.

Carlisle and Esme Cullen, My mind associated. I'd never met them personally, but I'd seen pictures and heard stories about them. I felt like I already knew who they were.

Carlisle's eyes were trained on Edward's leg and Esme was brushing frantically at his face. She soaked another rag in hydrogen peroxide after the other rag was bloodied and she ran it over every cut.

"Ow! Mom, I'm fine!" Edward cringed away from the wash cloth and Esme's brow lowered.

"Don't you dare mom me, Edward! This is bad, worse than any other time! You had me worried sick you stupid boy!"

Edward rolled his eyes and wrapped an arm around Esme. I suddenly missed my mother very much.

Esme's head turned into his chest and she started to mumble things about her baby getting hurt too much. My stomach felt weak.

I took a seat on the ottoman next to Jasper and listened to the light banter go around—just watching a world I'd always been so close to but never inside of before. Carlisle looked at Edward's leg with tired eyes and once he assessed that it wasn't broken Esme nearly cried with relief. The whole time she called Edward names and how he was such an idiot for getting hurt. He laughed and told her he wouldn't do it again, but everyone knew that was a lie.

I felt like I was intruding.

I was the intruder.

This wasn't my home and these weren't my friends, I was borrowing them temporarily, but soon enough the real world would come and barge back in on me. I would have to go back home and make Charlie's meals every night and be satisfied with the bare minimum of communication. I still had to deal with Jacob, too….

"There," Carlisle sighed. "As long as you don't run on it you'll be fine. I'm heading to bed."

He stood from the couch, his long legs sheathed in flannel sleep pants, and then made his way toward the stairs. He paused and waited for Esme while she kissed Edward's cheek before moving to Emmett, and then Jasper. She paused at me when she saw me.

"Hello," she smiled. "I don't believe we've met."

"Oh," I said, my eyes widening a bit and blush coming on. "No, we haven't."

"I'm Esme Cullen," she stuck out a hand and I grabbed onto it.

"Bella Swan," she leaned down hugged me tightly before walking off with Carlisle to bed.

"Aw, she likes you," Emmett chuckled.

I ducked my head and blushed. Jasper stood up and cracked his knuckles loudly before walking through the living room to where the den was located.

"Who's up for Halo?" he asked.

"You guys go ahead; I'll be there in a minute," Edward said. He glanced at me from the corner of his eye and I knew he meant that for both of us.

Jasper gave me one last glance before disappearing. When the sounds of the console started up, Edward stood and motioned for me to follow him.

It was quiet while he opened the door for me and I followed along. We walked into the woods on the side of the house and I stared at the ground the whole way. I didn't think he'd want to talk tonight. I thought he'd put it off for a little longer.

Edward put a hand on my shoulder and I stopped walking, but I didn't turn around to face him.

"I am sorry, for what it's worth," he said.

"It's not worth much," I murmured.

"Look, I don't know what happened tonight. I wasn't drunk but I just couldn't control myself. I'm sorry you got involved, and I'm sorry that whatever you were working towards got screwed up in this whole thing, Bella."

I wheeled around to face him, looking into his sad emerald eyes. Sadness was in his expression, and this came through more than the rage from earlier. Suddenly I felt guilty.

"Don't you understand, Edward? All this time, all this time that I spent with Jacob and tried so hard to be a girlfriend and a good student and to save a future for myself, it's all wasted because you couldn't control yourself!"

"I'm sorry! I don't know what else to say, Bella! I'm sorry that I fucked up and groped you in front of your boyfriend and that he's a jealous prick, and that we hate each other—"

"Is that why you did it, then? To make him jealous? You acted that way and said those things to him because you wanted to get a rise out of him? God, how could you be so inconsiderate—"

"Inconsiderate?" he nearly choked. His eyes got darker and his brow pulled down. Any sign of sadness turned to anger. "That's funny, Bella. You're the one calling me inconsiderate. You are so selfish, you know that? This whole damn thing was your idea!"

"You were okay with it! You were the one who called me again after the first time we were together! You joked about it and said we should meet. That's how it all started in case you don't remember, Edward. You were angry with me for dating Jacob, but you still came to me after I told you."

"Why do you think I came back, Bella?" he asked me seriously. His expression cleared and the hard mask was back in place.

"After all those times?" I asked. He nodded. "For sex."

"For sex…" he murmured. "You think it's for sex then…. It may be for sex, we do have sex a lot, but there's more to it. I figured you'd have guessed it by now."

"What?" I asked. His head tipped back and he laughed humourlessly into the night sky. "What? What am I not getting here?"

"It was about privacy and comfort, Bella. I trusted you; I put my trust in you. I believed that you were a loyal person no matter what. And I still believe that right now. You know why I believe it?"

I paused and looked up at him. His head was still tipped back but his eyes were closed. The Adam's apple in his throat bobbed when he swallowed and he waited patiently.

"Because I'm here," I whispered.

"Yeah," he whispered back. "You're here—with me. You and I were together first; we were here with each other first. Even though this isn't really official to anyone but us, you still were loyal to me over your good-for-nothing boy toy."

"That's not it, Edward. You're my friend, and Jacob is my friend, too, believe it or not."

He snorted. "I know that. I know that this is one big friendly circle with little kinks in between. But even when you had a boyfriend you still came to see me, you still let me talk when I needed to, and even though I didn't get descriptive and breakdown on you and everything you were still there to just take in whatever I needed to let go."

"W—what do you mean?"

"I don't know. I just trust you and we're good together."

"We are," I conceded.

He grinned down at me and there was still so much tension in the air. It was consuming us and crackling down at lightening speed. I could feel my heart speed up and my body tense like we were going to fight again.

His body tensed, too. So, like the bodies we had come to know so well, we acted on it.

He moved forward and his lips were on mine, rough and aggressive and his hands groped me through my clothes without hesitation. The fabric of my jeans was rough against my ass when he brought my hips forward, but the sensation was so familiar that I just became more seduced in this haze around us.

I was responsive right back. My tongue snaked out and while we nearly ate each other's faces I tugged his shirt from his pants and ran my greedy fingers over his chest.

Something in me snapped and I didn't care that we were outside of his house or that his parents were in there sleeping or that his friends were in there playing a video game probably wondering where we were.

I stuck my hand down his pants and he groaned loudly into my mouth. I couldn't stop the familiar movements that came to my hand as I grabbed him and stroked him. His skin was smooth and his hair was coarse and his scent was musky from sweat and blood, but it fuelled my passion even more.

I just had to have him.

I couldn't help myself.

His hand pushed my jeans down forcefully and they were around my knees by the time his hand was in my panties. He was desperately seeking my clit and when he found it he stroked and pushed it with expert fingers that had already been there a thousand times.

I whimpered into his mouth and I think that made him snap. We both had our hands in the other's pants, touching and stroking, thrusting and grinding, and maybe it was the sip of the brandy or the cool night air, but it just seemed so perfect and intimate and I needed more.

Edward dropped to his knees and pulled one of my legs through my jeans and shoved my panties down with it. He fumbled with his belt and I could see the moment where he sprung up from the confines of his pants. I licked my lips and I felt dirty for it.

He grabbed me and I put my arms behind me so my hands could hold me up, my legs wrapped around his waist and his hands went to my hips.

He had a condom rolled on, sticking tightly around the head and my breathing picked up pace. He impaled himself deeply inside of me. My inner muscles screamed in relief and I pushed down on him harder.

It was quick and messy and loud, but it was us.

We grunted each other's names in wild pants and groans. I whimpered for more, and I felt pathetic for it for the first time in my life.

He pushed harder, dug deep, slipped in faster, and it just wasn't enough. I screamed in frustration and could have sobbed that I wanted so much more.

What was wrong with me?

I had already cum at least twice, so why was I so hungry for more?

Edward leaned over me and I looked in his eyes and I knew why immediately.

I wanted more because this was going to be the last time.

"I love you," he grunted.

This was the last time…

His body stilled and shivered and I felt him grow hot and sweaty.

My eyes closed and I felt the tears come rolling out. This wasn't good, this wasn't fair. So I looked at him and tried to ignore the hopelessness in his eyes.

"I don't."

Edward looked away and sighed. His face already showed that he knew, he knew all along, and I knew all along, and now it couldn't go on. This was the last time so he pulled out and sat back on his ass and laughed more to himself.

And I felt so damn dirty.

* * *

**A/N: As the first current lemon, I think this describes Edward and Bella's relationship to a T. Quick, messy, and a lot of confusion that forms into quick understanding. There was the lime on the desk, there was the flashback lemon, but this lemon, well, it has a special place in my heart chambers. :)**

**Guess I should hit the topic of "Bella doesn't love Edward--why?!" Well, she said she does, and she said she doesn't... which is the lie? It's like Blue's Clues: Gotta think, think, thiiiink.**

**Don't forget to review!**


	10. Chapter 10

**A/N: I _really_ don't think I mention it enough, but Otep is my absolute muse and I wrote the next block of chapters as a whole with _Sevas Tra_ and _House of Secrets_ albums on a loop. And as a dedicated Shadow Soldier, I also speak Otep--like Kizarny--fluently. :D**

**I thought Bella seemed a little... bipolar this chapter, I'll use the excuse that she's an unstable, emotional nightmare as a teenage girl, because whether we admit it or not... we kind of are.**

* * *

trapped within the twisting fingers of fear  
and all eye see is ewe

that face  
those eyes

burning like leprosy

eye can see you there  
poisoning the air

—OTEP, Otep Shamaya; Thots

"ewe"  
Quote: "is a sheep--most notably used as a metaphor to describe those controlled [willingly] by the herd mentality."

* * *

When I woke up the next morning I was sore and tired. My mind was fuzzy and haze was everywhere. I was a having a major case of déjà vu.

The room I was in wasn't my house, but it certainly familiar. The peeling green walls and the ceiling with plastic glow in the dark stars made me close my eyes and sigh in frustration. I was hoping I had been kidnapped and this was just some strange similarity.

I sat up in the bed I was in, which had the same black and blue comforter that smelled like smoke and booze. I saw the small closet with the overflowing junk sticking out of it, the lamp with duct tape around the base of it so it wouldn't cause an electrical fire, and the old computer that was worse off than mine.

"Great," I whispered to myself.

At some point in the night I must have just conked out fell asleep. I honestly wasn't surprised. When I didn't want to deal with something I usually just went to sleep and hoped that I when I woke up it'd all be resolved.

Not the case here.

"_I love you,"_

"_I don't…"_

God, he was right, I really _was_ inconsiderate. But I'd known he felt for a long time now, it was part of the reason why we didn't meet as often. He was someone who didn't like to deal with his feelings and I didn't like to deal with complicated situations.

It was so perfect!

I grumbled to myself and stood up from Edward's bed. When I was straight and standing I felt a rush to my bladder and I ran for the bathroom.

As soon as I opened the door I hit a brick wall.

"Well hey there, sleeping beauty!" I looked up and Emmett was grinning down at me. "Where's the fire?"

I squeezed my knees together and mumbled, "potty" before walking around him. The porcelain seat never looked so tempting in my life.

I heard someone outside the door and I closed my eyes tightly. _Please don't listen to me pee…_

"So, Bella," Emmett said through the door. "You know what's eating Gilbert Grape?"

My eyes closed tighter. So this didn't go away while I slept. Edward was still stewing on this. It could possibly be the last time I spoke to any of these guys again…

"Um… which one?" I asked, flushing the toilet.

"Edward, he's been kind of… quiet this morning." Emmett sounded almost hesitant and unsure of himself for a moment.

When I opened the door he had his back to the wall and his hands in his pockets. His curly brown hair looked messy and his brows were pulled down in concentration.

"Can't he hear you from up here?" I murmured, looking down the stairs.

"Oh, he's not home, left around three." Emmett flicked his head in the direction of the door. "He seemed pretty anxious and nervous and just said he was going for a drive."

My stomach sank.

"U—um, maybe he's still irritated about last night. He's probably still sore and tired." I answered.

"Or maybe he went to eat. Lucky bastard, he should've taken us with him. I'm starving and Esme's already gone."

"I could make breakfast if you want me to."

Emmett looked at me and raised an eyebrow. "You can cook?"

"Yep,"

He put an arm around my shoulders and led me down the stairs. "You know, Bella, I like you more and more every day."

--

After three frying pans of eggs, a plate full of French toast, four glasses or orange juice and two servings of hash browns Emmett and Jasper leaned back in their chairs with grins on their faces.

"That was good," Jasper moaned, leaning back in his chair.

Emmett put a hand on his stomach and nodded. I took my last bite of eggs before going to the pantry to look for saran wrap. Maybe Edward would eat some later….

"So," Emmett started. "You never did tell me why you were with us yesterday."

Jasper leaned forward and put his arms on the table. "We couldn't just let her get caught by the cops."

"Yeah, but you know Edward?" He asked me, ignoring Jasper.

"Kind of…"

"How?"

Emmett continued to dig for information, and I could see why Edward was such good friends with these two. They were both loyal, Jasper trying to stick up for me and keep what he knew about me and Edward a secret, and Emmett trying to dig for why Edward was so upset this morning.

"We have a couple classes together." I answered.

"Yeah, I know, I'm in one of them. He never looks at you." Emmett raised an eyebrow and Jasper's shoulders hunched up.

"They're just acquaintances, Emmett; she's not the reason that Edward was so flaky."

"How do you know?" He narrowed his eyes at Jasper. His head turned back to me. "I have nothing against you, Bella, but if there's any reason that you're bugging Edward I'll drop you like a bad habit."

"Emmett," Jasper growled.

"It's okay, I understand." I murmured.

I turned around and put the leftovers in the fridge next to the milk. There was a neat stack sitting there when I closed the door. Emmett was still looking at me, but Jasper seemed on edge, desperate for a change of topic.

"Do you guys need a ride home?" I asked.

"Oh, yeah, guess we do." Jasper laughed. "We all walked to Newtown's last night from work."

"Work?" I asked.

"Yeah, Port Angeles restaurant, it pays a pretty salary, plus the tips are amazing." Jasper explained.

Edward worked? Why didn't I know that? I thought I knew just about everything about him, how could something so basic escape me?

I was so inconsiderate, he was right, God was he right. How could I just be realizing what a selfish person I am now? Why didn't I see this weeks—months!—ago?

I nodded and dug around in my pockets until I found my keys, then I walked to the front door and waited for the two.

I looked to my left and I saw some of the dirt by a big oak with a swing on it messy and everywhere. I looked down at my hands and on my inner wrist where I hadn't washed, there was smear of dirt.

--

The ride to Jasper's and Emmett's houses wasn't too bad. Jasper tried to keep friendly conversation, but Emmett's eyebrows were still pulled down—he didn't completely trust me, and I couldn't even blame him. They both got out at Emmett's, apparently they were neighbours, and Jasper said goodbye with a friendly smile while Emmett waved.

On my way home I didn't really want to think about the consequences that would come. Charlie would probably assume I was at that party last night, if Jacob stayed and felt that it safe enough since he was dating the chief's daughter, I would still be screwed.

And then I had to deal with Jacob…

My eyes wanted to close, but I kept them focused on the road in front of me. While crashing and maybe getting into a coma would stop me from dealing with everything, I just couldn't avoid this.

Either I'd be forgiven and Jacob would think Edward was lying, or he'd dump my ass and leave me.

I couldn't think about Edward, his face was something I'd never get of my head no matter how hard I could try. That expression of complete hopelessness and knowing what I would say was just… horrible.

I really did care about him, he was my friend—maybe even my best friend—and I loved him, just not the way he wanted me to. Teenagers are incapable of real compassion and love, I couldn't try to understand or comprehend how to properly divulge that trust and love onto someone else, I'd only end up hurting us both.

So, in all reality I was saving Edward heartbreak and regret. It just didn't really seem that way now, though.

I didn't want this to be the end, I loved him in one way and that should be enough. We could reconcile, after all, we're good together just like he said.

I kind of smiled to myself and patted my phone in my pocket, we could work this out and still be friends.

Wait, was this being selfish?

I still wanted to be friends… but what if he didn't want to be? If I were him I'd probably never want to see my face again. I couldn't blame him if he called me awful names or even if he hit me. I totally deserved it; I hurt him last night…

I hurt him…

I pulled my car over with numb fingers and numb feet_. Oh God, what I have done?_

The one thing I never wanted to do was hurt Edward. He was the one out of the three of us who didn't deserve to get hurt. Not just physically like last night, but I hurt him where you couldn't see. I wondered how long he let his feelings sit and fester but couldn't let them out because of how stoic he was.

That was huge for him, to admit something like that to someone. I could have… broken his heart.

My eyes slipped shut and tears poured down my cheeks. He deserved so much better than this fucked up predicament. Why couldn't I be better for him, what kind of friend was I?

I pulled out my cell phone and through the barrage of tears I typed in his familiar number. His phone was on, but it rang until it hit voicemail.

"_You've reached Edward Cullen's cell, not here, leave a message._"

"Edward," I sobbed pathetically. "I'm sorry… I'm really, really sorry." I wiped the tears from my cheeks and sniffled away at the mucus that was crawling down my nose. "You deserve so much b—better and I don't wanna hurt y—you. I—I'm sorry." I closed my phone and pushed my head against the steering wheel.

I whimpered and sobbed and let out high pitch whines that made me feel like a baby, but I couldn't help it. I wondered where he really was, and when I thought about how well I knew him, I knew where he was. Even in this sheeting rain I knew where he was and I wanted to go to him.

I didn't have that right. I couldn't go and try to explain him how I didn't know how to properly love someone, and I couldn't force myself to. I was just that selfish.

I started up my truck and headed for home. I thought about him in that little field, on his back, in the cold rain and I ached to go find him, but I couldn't. He would probably want to think, maybe wallow for a while by himself before going back to that hollow shell he was always in.

I wanted him to have some kind of emotion, because he deserved that much. No, he deserved a lot more than that, but it was all I could give him.

I shoved the keys in the ignition and once the engine was wheezing and coughing from being in neutral, I headed home. The ride home took forever, but it was because my stomach doing summersaults when I thought of how Charlie would react.

I had completely overlooked that whole situation.

He would suspect I was there, I was sure Jacob didn't get very far and he probably felt safe with Charlie coming down, and then there was the fact that I didn't come home…

Oh God, how was I supposed to salvage this situation again?

Too soon I pulled up to the curb outside the house and saw Charlie's cruiser sitting half on the lawn and half in the drive. I breathed in a shaky breath and swallowed hard before stepping out of the vehicle.

_Now or never_, I thought grimly.

I walked up to the front door and pulled out my key, but the door was already unlocked. My heart began to speed up, any hope that I had of Charlie being away and fishing had just flown out the window.

I pushed the front door open and the waked into the quiet house. Maybe he was sleeping?

"Isabella,"

_Or not_.

"H—Hey, dad," I mumbled.

The TV was off and he was sitting in his recliner, a mug of steaming coffee in his hand and he was still in his beige cop uniform. I breathed in a deep breath and went to sit on the couch to his right. I could remember sitting in this exact spot when I was in trouble and I usually ended up crying.

"Let's cut to it, huh?" Charlie never was a man of many words. "I know you were at that party last night. I know there was drinking, and that there was a fight."

I watched Charlie intently; he was looking at the pictures over the mantle. To the far left was a picture of me frowning on a bike with training wheels, and next to it was me frowning on a bike without training. I think he was trying to go back to the time where he would have to yell at me over a party.

"Here's the deal, Bella." Charlie looked over at me finally and I wonder what he saw in my tired, messy expression. "I know you're a good kid and that you don't get in trouble a lot—Hell! At all!—and I'm willing to let you off the hook."

"Really?" I gasped with wide eyes.

He held up a finger and gave me a warning look. "On one condition. I know there was a fight, but what I don't know is how it started. Several of the kids we took in said that Jacob was apart of it, but that Edward Cullen started it." My nails bit into my wrist. "I need to know which one to charge because the Newton's want to know who messed up their yard."

"Neither of them messed up the yard." I said too quickly.

"Just tell me who started it, Bella." He sighed.

I bit my lip to the point of pain and rocked side to side a bit. Dammit Charlie, why couldn't you just ground me like a normal parent?

How could I betray trust on either side? I was still was with Jacob, no matter what happened before, and I owed so much to Edward. Maybe I could just tell the truth for once.

"Um… well, to be honest, it was kind of like they _both agreed_ to fight."

"They _agreed_?" Charlie asked incredulously. "Alright, tell me how they got to the point of this agreement."

_Cop Charlie has now entered the room_.

"Well, Edward was inside, and Jacob was outside… and so I had to go to the bathroom, and then Jacob came in looking for me… and then they saw each other… and then they just… agreed to fight."

"Bella."

"It's the truth! I promise you, dad!"

"Alright, after they agreed to fight they just went outside?"

"Yeah, and then they were fighting, everyone saw it, I don't know why you think I know more than anyone else you interrogated."

"Who threw the first punch? Or who attacked who first?"

I thought back, they had both agreed to fight… but Jacob ran to tackle Edward first. How could I rat him out, though?

"I..." I hesitated and swallowed. "I really don't remember, dad."

"Is that your answer, Bella? You don't know?"

His eyes met mine and he look tired and completely disbelieving. He ran a hand through his thinning brown hair and sighed loudly.

"I really don't…" I mumbled. "There were dozens of other kids there, I don't know everything that happened, dad—"

"I heard that you were a part of it, Bella." Charlie's eyes flashed and I stiffened. "I don't know what's going on, but I don't want you to be involved in something like this!"

"Dad, it's not—"

"Don't tell me that, Bella. Anytime two boys are fighting over a girl it's never good."

"They weren't fighting over me." I mumbled.

He sighed and rubbed a hand over his face. "You sure you don't want to tell me?"

"I really don't know." I gave him my best apologetic look.

"You're grounded for a week. No TV and no leaving this house unless it's school related."

I bit my tongue and nodded my head. That was pretty lenient for all that he knew and didn't hold against me. Maybe he knew it wouldn't happen again. And after this at least I would have an excuse for not going to parties.

"I'm heading off to bed, I got home an hour ago and I'm bushed." He yawned, then stiffened. "Which reminds me, where were you all last night?"

"Oh," _How_ could I have not come up with an excuse for that? "I just stayed at a friend's house; she didn't want me to go home alone… since you would probably be out."

"She," he muttered and shook his head, as if that solved all of his worries. "Alright,"

Charlie rose to his feet and walked up the stares like a zombie. I watched his retreating form and stayed firmly in place until I heard the groaning of his mattress as he bent the springs to lay down.

I breathed out a shaky breath and collapsed into the couch. I ran my hands over my face and resisted the urge to cry.

I couldn't think about all this now, oh God, my future, my reputation. It was all gone, everyone had to know by now what was going on. It was obvious, or at least it was to me.

I walked up the stairs and locked myself in the bathroom, pealing away my clothing from last night and trying not to look in the mirror. My skin felt oily and my hair was just disgusting. I let the steaming, burning hot water drown out my thoughts and my tears mingled with the water to wash away shame and dejection.

Well, however much it could take away.

* * *

**A/N: I do like this chapter, something about it made me really happy to write it.**

**To answer a question, a lot of people were wondering before when Bella said that she'd have to go home and be happy with "bear minimum communication from Charlie" if that had anything to do her current situation. The answer to that is, parental guidence always plays a big role in how kids grow up, but I don't think it has a defining meaning or a direct blame to where she's at.**

**Also, a lot of people are wondering why she's so set and stubborn to go Dartmouth when there's all kinds of colleges. This is her childhood dream, and I know that I have so many stupid childhood dreams that I still want to accomplish, but I hold onto them and work towards them because they're a goal. My cousin's up to his eyes in student loan debts, but he wanted to be a business man, even though he's working at a fiftie's diner right now.**

**Hope that answers some thoughts. Feel free to ask any others. :)**

**Don't forget to review!**


	11. Chapter 11

**A/N: Your reviews are the best, they really are, I don't think I've ever laughed and thought so hard in my life. :)**

**I think this is the chapter that everyone's been waiting for, so hope you enjoy.**

* * *

I'm burning & bleeding  
The parasites are breeding  
It's me versus me versus them

I am whore, holy, loved, lonely  
Murdering the others now and then

—OTEP, Otep Shamaya; March of the Martyrs

* * *

Unfortunately the weekend was done too quickly. I spent the entire time in my room, occupying myself with anything that my mind could come up with. I spent an entire day rereading every romance novel I could find, and cleaning my room until it was spotless. The whole house was completely clean and smelled like citrus by the time I woke up for school on Monday.

When my alarm went off I groaned out an awful noise and was tempted to just skip. Jacob hadn't called me and neither had Edward. I was more than worried about how things would go today.

I threw on a pair of jeans from my clean hamper and a shirt and then sank down the stairs to grab a pop tart for my morning sustenance. God knows I would need it.

Charlie left a note on the fridge reminding me to come straight home today and I didn't think I'd have a problem complying with it. I would be more than happy to never leave this house again.

My stomach had perpetual butterflies when I got into my truck, and I suddenly wished I hadn't eaten anything, because if things went the way I thought they would I'd be throwing up all my food. I grimaced at the thought.

I got to school a little later than usual, and the parking lot was already packed with people. Kids huddled around cars in groups to talk and when I pulled in several eyes turned to me.

_I wonder what they're talking about_, I thought sarcastically.

I groaned and breathed in one last gulp of free air before I stepped out into the shark tank. The predators immediately swarmed and a few people turned to stare or glare at me. I tried to ignore them as I walked to class, completely un-amused by this. But I _did_ deserve it…

I wondered if either of them would even show up to school today. Jacob would have to show his face sooner or later, and I had no doubt he was orchestrating some counter attack against Edward and maybe even his counterparts.

And Edward… well, he wouldn't _have_ to show up, but he did technically win that fight the other night, or was about to before the cops showed up. If I knew him at all I knew that he liked to silently rub in other people's defeat.

I'd just have to wait patiently. I could do that.

I walked off to Spanish and before I could enter the class I heard someone yelling my name. A curly head of brown hair streaked with blonde came bouncing toward me and I watched as Jessica Stanley ran across the hallway with the fakest, most polite grin she could muster up.

_Here come the sharks._

"Hey," she smiled.

"Oh, hey." I sort of awkwardly waved at her and decided to grab onto the straps of my backpack to occupy my hands.

"So you were at the party right?" She didn't wait for me to answer and continued in the same breath. "Do you know what spurred Jake and Edward to fight? I mean, you're Jake's girlfriend and so you've gotta know something about why he beat up Edward, right? And Edward was looking at you at one point. I saw him when I was with Mike by the drinks—"

"No, Jessica. I actually _don't_ know what made them fight. I'll let you know if I find anything out, though."

Her eyes got big and bright at that. "Okay! Just tell me when you find something out."

And as simple as that she walked off into the crowd of predators and prey and went off on her own way. I could do some crazy documentaries if I didn't end up making it to Dartmouth.

When I walked in, well, I tried to keep my mouth closed. Jacob was sitting in his usual seat… but his face was completely swollen. His nose, his lip, and one of his eyes were completely purple. I tried to think back to the exact moment when that could have happened but there were so many blows exchanged during that night…

I sat down next to him without a word. He didn't look at me and I didn't look back at him. I just grabbed my Spanish book and pulled out a clean sheet of paper and waited for class to start.

But of course, nothing could go smoothly. I saw Emmett walk in first, and then, behind him, wearing a grey hoodie that was older than dirt, was Edward.

_Please sit on the other side of the room, please sit on the other side of the room, please sit on the other side of room…_

Emmett hesitated and when he did, Edward brushed past him and sat in his spot right in front of me. His hood was up, but when he turn the corner I saw that his eyes was swollen and blood shot beyond all hell.

He looked like perfect shit.

Emmett sat on the other side of Edward, giving a wary side glance to Jacob who was glaring at the desk, his fists clenched on his lap.

I held my breath for a moment, praying he wouldn't start something again.

Emmett smiled at me before sitting. "Bella."

Jacob's fist twitched and I darted my eyes down to it before smiling back at Emmett. I think every eye in the room was trained on the four of us—or just on Edward and Jacob.

When Mrs. Moris walked in she stopped and looked around the room in confusion. She looked to the right hand corner, the source of all the tension in the room, and her brow furrowed.

"Eyes up front!" she yelled in her broken English accent.

Everyone in the room snapped their eyes forward and she started to write past tense conjugation excercises on the board.

_Yo limpié los platos._

_Tú limpiaste los platos._

I had memorized it by the second example and now I was darting my eyes from Jacob back to Edward in an endless circuit.

Edward didn't move once throughout the whole thing. He was stiff as a board and in a slouched position. He made no movement other than the tensing of his shoulders every once in a while.

Jacob's breath picked up half way through class and I caught him giving a death glare to the back of Edward's head. When I peeked up at him, his eyes darted down to me and he gave me the same glare.

The tension was so thick I could smell it; every movement, no matter how small, attracted everyone's attention. Emmett was just as fidgety and he was constantly looking out the window beside him to see Jacob in his peripheral.

I tried to shake away the images of one of them standing up and calling a fight right then and there. Edward would have to claim his dominance or whatever the hell it was that boys do, and Jacob would just have to take it—which seemed very unlikely at the moment.

There was never a longer forty minutes in the history of time.

When the bell finally did ring, the shrill sound cut through the air. Half the class hesitated to leave, and the other half jumped out of their seats. Everyone stared to see what would happen.

I closed up my book and put my notes away in my backpack, and when I stood Jacob's voice was in my ear, quiet and a little threatening.

"Bella, can I talk to you?" It wasn't a question, not really. There was no question in his voice at all; it was low and quiet and quick and scared the crap out of me.

The butterflies grew stronger. "My class is on the other side of the building," I mumbled, my voice going up an octave.

"Then after school."

"I—I'm grounded. Charlie grounded me for a week…"

I wiggled in the spot where I stood, debating whether to just leave the school and damn the rest of my classes, or maybe try to work this out with Jacob. Maybe I could somehow salvage this, if I tried my hardest and pleaded.

"Then I'll come over."

The thought of having him alone in my house suddenly scared me. It shouldn't have; he had never threatened me before or come even close to doing anything I didn't want, but the way he was now, the anger and the way he spoke everything like it was a cold, hard demand, scared me.

"I… don't think so, Jake," I mumbled, my eyes going to the clock.

"_Bella—_"

"She said no, Black."

I looked over and saw Edward and Emmett standing up from their desks. Edward's eyes were still not looking at me, but instead Emmett was facing us.

"What the fuck did you say to me?" Jacob spat.

"She said no." Emmett's eyes narrowed and he looked menacing when his lips were that tight and the bridge of his nose was crinkled up just the slightest.

"This is none of your business, McCarty,"

"It is when a girl says she doesn't want to do something and you keep pushing."

Jacob stood up from his desk and his chair fell backwards, making a loud clanking noise in the now empty room. He was a couple inches taller than Emmett, but they were the same in muscle mass. I held my breath again and watched in wide-eyed horror.

"Don't even bother," Edward murmured. He tugged on Emmett's sleeve once and then walked out of the room, not looking back at any of us.

Emmett didn't back off, though, and I when my eyes followed Edward to the door, I saw Jasper leaning against it. He whispered something to Edward in passing, and before things could get out of hand he walked in and laughed.

"Hey! There's no need to start an altercation here, fellas!" He smiled and whether it was fake or not the tense mood was cut in half and declining dramatically.

Jasper just had this… feel about him. He could possibly be the most influential guy I'd ever met; his mood was contagious, and I wasn't sure if he could act it off and play it up, or if it was real.

"Emmett, if you miss one more math class you'll lose credit, and there's no way I'm watching Mrs. McCarty cry over her super senior son."

Emmett's fist jerked and without a word he grabbed his books and rushed out of the room, muttering the entire way. Jacob didn't uncoil from his tense position and I didn't let out my breath.

"Sorry about that, Jacob," Jasper apologized. "They're quick to draw, and Emmett's usually set to fire. Take some time to cool off, man. Bella, you should get to class."

He smiled down at me and I let out my breath, turning to the door. I could hear footsteps behind me, but whether they were Jacob's or Jasper's I couldn't tell.

When I was halfway to class whoever left the room with me was still on my tail. I listened intently to the footsteps, but I still couldn't tell who it was. Nervousness set in, and before I could worry about it too much I turned on my heel and came face to face with Jasper.

"Why are you following me?" I asked. Then I looked at his cheek and gasped. "What the hell happened to you?"

"Long story," he said with a wave of his hand. "And the reason why I'm following you is to make sure you don't take a detour."

"I think I just might," I sighed. "Jessica Stanley will be hounding me all next period."

"Hmm…" he hummed. "Then I guess it can't be helped."

With a shrug of his shoulders he pulled me by my elbow and took me across campus down to the graphics rooms. We passed the room Edward and I had once done despicable things in and I blushed.

He led me down hallways and corridors and different rooms until we were at the back of the auditorium.

I could hear the band playing Old Susana from across the hall. The trumbones began to pick up as he slid down the wall and put his long legs out in front of him.

"Pop a squat," he patted the spot beside him.

"Why didn't we just go through the lobby?" I asked.

"I didn't want anyone to see us," he answered. "I'm pretty sure if your boyfriend's crew saw you hanging out with me they'd report it back. The last thing that needs to happen is Edward getting attacked by the entire football team." He laughed a little at the end.

"So what happened to your face?" I looked over the purple bruise mark and I felt like I already knew the answer.

"Oh this," he said brushing his fingers over his cheek. "Nothin'. I was just fishing for information and the fish came up and bit me in the ass."

"Edward," I breathed.

"You guessed it."

"Why?" I looked up at Jasper and he was looking down at me, analyzing my every move it seemed.

"It really was my fault. I kept asking him about what got him to fight with Black, and he kept telling me the same old bullshit about how they just hate each other, so then I told him what I knew." I kept staring at him and smiled a bit guiltily. "Yeah, sorry about that, but I told him I knew something was up between you two."

"And he punched you?" I asked incredulously.

"No, he acted all calm, cool and collected. But when I said I'd just go to you and get the information . . . well, that's when the fish bit me in the ass."

"Why are you telling me this? I'd betray Edward's trust if I told you anything."

"I know," he grinned. "I was just hoping you would. I think I already know enough. And believe it or not," his tone got serious quickly. "I really do care about what Edward gets himself into. I don't know if this is good for him or not, but I do know it's causing a lot of… controversy for him."

I nodded, and I couldn't be mad at him for not trusting me completely. He was just being a good friend, and Edward really needed close friends.

"How much do you know?" I asked.

"That you and Edward are involved, I'm pretty sure it's physical, and that Jacob obviously doesn't know. But I don't think you're the kind of girl who cheats for no reason."

I felt tears brim in my eyes. I _shouldn't_ be that girl—no matter what the reason was. I pulled my knees to my chest to fight the swell of emotion and put my forehead on top of them. Jasper put a hand on my back and I was able to keep the tears at bay.

I nodded my head and Jasper let out a sharp gust of air. "I was right, then?" he whispered.

"Yeah, we're _involved_," I muttered. "I just don't know for how much longer. I—I probably did something I shouldn't have."

"Can you tell me?"

"I… don't think so," I mumbled, unsure.

"You're in love with Edward?"

I shook my head a little, and hesitated to answer. But he saw it all in my hesitation.

"Edward's in love with _you_, then?" His voice hiked up an octave and then he let out a disbelieving scoff. "Well put me in a dress and call me Betsy, this is new."

"What?" I muttered.

"You've seen Edward; the guy's an emotionless prick. I've never even heard him say he loves his own mother much less another living being. Wait—he did say it, right?"

"Yeah, he said it," I mumbled putting my forehead back on my knees.

"And what did you say in return?"

"That I… didn't." I popped my head up instantly. "But I _do_ love him—just not the way he deserves! The way I said it was kind of bitchy, too." I groaned and banged my head against the wall. "He hates me now; he didn't answer any of my calls all week."

"Okay, wait, hold on a second. I've gotta get this processed." Jasper stared at the wall across from us for a couple seconds and then he turned his attention back to me. "Do you love Edward?"

"Well, yeah—"

"Enough to be in a romantic relationship?"

"I don't love anyone enough to be in a romantic relationship," I muttered.

"Your boyfriend?" I shook my head. "Then what the hell are you doing with him?" His eyebrows shot straight up.

"Okay, okay," I sighed. "I guess you deserve to know. But you have to swear on your heart, soul, and first born child that you won't tell another soul. I mean it."

"You have my word, Bella, and my word is good." He said it with so much conviction that I could practically feel the loyalty coming from his skin.

I took a deep breath and told him everything about my dreams of going to Dartmouth and studying in the English program there. I told him I could handle the bills with student loans for the rest of my life if I could just get _accepted_ to the school.

Then I told him about Jacob, the recommendations, and how he knew from the very beginning what I wanted from this whole thing.

"Doesn't he care?" Jasper had asked.

"I guess not," I answered in response.

I told him about Edward's drunken actions at the party and how they fueled Jacob to react. How it was the first time Jacob had realized what was happening and how he never knew before.

Jasper listened the entire time with a trained ear, nodding at certain parts and examining every word out of my mouth as I spoke. I left no detail out, but I tried to reserve as much as I could about Edward. I had already betrayed him enough.

"That's… one doosy of a situation you've got yourself in," he sighed when I was finished.

"Yeah," I sighed back, leaning against the wall and closing my eyes.

"What do you plan to do next?"

"I have no idea," I mumbled. "I would try to fix things with Jacob, but to be honest; I don't think he's in any condition to talk about Edward right now."

"I'd fear for your safety, too. Especially with how easily riled he was today. He probably would have fought Emmett ifI hadn't come in."

I nodded right as the noise from band stopped and the bell rang. Jasper stood on his feet and held out a hand for me. I stood on wobbly legs and grabbed my backpack.

"Ready for history?" He grinned.

"Sure," I sighed.

"Don't worry," Jasper looked down at me and smiled sadly. "All things have a way of working themselves out in the end."

"For better… or for worse," I mumbled.

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**A/N: I love the strong opinions on Bella, it's half and half on love and hate. Some people love that she's selfish for a change and that she's taking control, and others just absolutely _hate_ her. Those strong opinions let me know I'm doing something right in writing her. :P**

**A question that's been coming up a lot is whether or not Rosalie and Alice will play a part in this story, and the answer is no, because they really have no impact where I had written them in, so I took them out and when I finish this story I'll post it as an extra. I like it, but it really just had no place. Jasper and Emmett's involvement is pivitol, though, so, keep an open mind on that case.**

**And the other thing that's been coming up is why doesn't Edward just pay for her to go through college, and I thought I was hinting at it and making it kind of clear, but he's poor. Most people, obviously, aren't endowed with money, especially now. Plus, it gets boring having money to answer every problem in every story. More insight is given in next chapter about that, too.**

**Don't forget to review!**


	12. Chapter 12

**A/N: Have I told you that I love my reviewers? Seriously, I would become a polygamist and marry all of you.**

**Get ready for a little angst party, but I guess most of this story is angst, huh?**

**This song is for Edward specifically, it unlocks his character more.**

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"I am my own creation

I am

Self-made"

OTEP; Otep Shamaya; _Self-Made

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_

Ever since I had spoken with Jasper I began to feel better. It felt good to finally get all of it out, and he was more than willing to listen. He never told Edward anything of what we talked about and when he was around we didn't so much as lock eyes.

Jacob hadn't spoken to me since that one day in Spanish. He refused to look at me in math and the one time I tried to speak with him he turned his head away and glared out the window.

Edward had been even less responsive.

The more his bruises faded, the redder his eyes became. I smelled alcohol on him a couple times and I had been feeling guilty ever since. He wouldn't answer my calls, and when I called his house and Esme picked up he just took the phone from her and hung it up.

Every time his voice mail came on I cried. Everyday I hoped he would pick up and just talk to me.

What I missed the most about Edward was the way he would talk to me.

When he spoke to me he always said the right thing, and it wasn't planned or something platonic; it was pure, authentic Edward, and he would say it in his monotone drab voice. I dreamt of his eyes and his smile, and even the way he yelled at me.

I thought about the way he looked when he would just stare off into space and not care about the things that were going on around him.

I thought about his beauty and his ugliness, the sad parts that were hidden along with the happy parts. I thought of his blood shot eyes and the freckle on his collarbone.

I thought about the dry skin on his elbow and his hitchhiker's thumb.

The beauty mark on the bottom of his foot and the large pink scars on his knees.

His eyelashes were longer on his left eye than they were on his right. His eyes have speckles of gold in them when he first wakes up.

I thought about the way he would bite the skin of his lips until they were chapped and the way he would bite his cuticles but never the nails.

Every time I thought about him or any of the little things that I missed about him, I cried and cried until my pillow cases were soaking wet.

Thursday night I cried from the time I went to bed until the time my alarm went off. By the time my shrill alarm failed to wake me up I had already decided to skip school.

I called in sick and I cried a little more before I eventually passed out from exhaustion.

That morning I dreamt about faces and people again. I thought about Jacob's disappointed and angry face with the setting of his friends behind him. They were all glowering and looking down at me.

I thought about Emmett and Jasper, all smiley and rough housing and the way I liked their setting more than the pervious one.

Jessica Stanley was there, too. She had ears like a wolf and a microphone in one hand like a reporter. Her mouth was going a million miles a minutes with all kind of babbles and nonsense.

Through the purple haze of my dream land I saw Edward's face, and this time it did have a setting.

We were outside of his house, I was underneath him and he looked so sad and utterly crushed and his words of "I love you" were floating around with my words of "I don't", forever hanging in time and space.

He dropped me onto the ground and stood up. His face contorted into a million different prisms as words flew out of his head; I noticed every single one of them were words I'd used to describe Edward before.

And with one last blinding spark, the word _Edward_ slipped out of his head and fell to floor in front of me.

He was just _Edward. _There was no word to describe this crazy, enigmatic boy. He couldn't pertain to a word or category. He was himself. He was self-made and self-sufficient.

The word melted before me as my brain acknowledged this truth, and the dream Edward smiled at me with his broken face.

--

I snapped upright in my bed panting and gasping and trying to think back to what to I just dreamt.

"What the hell was that?" I whispered to myself.

"A dream."

I shrieked and jumped up in my bed when I heard the voice coming from across my room. My heart sped and I backed up until I ran out of bed space and fell to my floor with a loud thud.

"Owww…" I moaned.

My panic driven fear made get up on my knees and look back across the room to the pale blue rocking chair, which now held a person rocking back and forth in it.

And if I didn't recognize those blood shot emerald eyes from anywhere I would have screamed and dug out the pepper spray that was somewhere under my bed.

"Edward?" I asked, my voice still groggy from sleep.

He didn't answer, just took a swig from the bottle he was holding in his left hand. He swallowed loudly three times and continued to stare at me. The bottle was clear and held a light brown liquor inside. Acigarette was behind his right ear and he didn't say anything while he rocked himself with one leg, his right folded under the other's knee.

He was wearing the grey hoodie I had seen on Monday that was tight around his torso and biceps. The hood wasn't up, but I wished it was. His hair was a mess, standing up everywhere. It contrasted with his pale skin and the circles under his eyes.

"Edward?" I asked again. I stood up on wobbly legs and grabbed onto my nightstand so I wouldn't fall again.

He still didn't say anything so I climbed back onto my bed and wrapped a blanket around my shoulders. My window was wide open and he had removed his shoes to rest on the windowsill. My eyebrows furrowed together and I looked at the clock. It was eleven in the morning and he was already drinking?

"How can you drink that stuff this early?" I asked.

He didn't answer, he just took another gulp.

"Why are you here?" I asked again, this time with a lighter tone.

"You weren't at school," he murmured, his voice croaking. I nodded and he took one more gulp before continuing. "Black wasn't either."

"Oh," I mumbled. "I haven't—I don't know where he is."

"Your eyes are red," he commented.

"So are yours—"

"You've been crying," he cut me off.

"Yeah," I said indignantly. "What do you care?"

His eyes narrowed and he looked threatening. "You may not care but I do," he nearly hissed.

I knew he wasn't talking about me crying. It was so obvious and I dropped my head in shame. I tried to think of what I could say back; I did care, I cared about him a lot, but… just not the way he deserved.

"You know I care," I mumbled.

He scoffed quietly and tipped back another sip. I lay down on my side and stared at him from my pillow. He corked the bottle and put it on the floor and then looked at me hard with considerably soft eyes.

"I'm sorry," I whispered.

"I know," he said flippantly.

"It's not just you; I don't feel that way for Jacob, either. In fact, I probably feel it _less_ for Jacob. He was nice at first, but it's getting ridiculous and I just noticed it. He wants to talk on his time, not when I want to."

"I don't care," he said and put an arm up to hold his head.

"Then what _do_ you care about?"

"You,"

"Edward—"

"Don't say anything," he mumbled. "I don't want you to. In fact, you're infuriating me beyond belief, but every time I think about walking away from you I'd rather go off myself."

"_Why?_"

"I have no fucking idea!" he shouted and put his head in his hands.

The room went dead silent then. The birds suddenly stopped their chirping and the wind that was blowing through the trees stopped rattling their leaves.

I watched Edward sitting in that old rocking chair with his head in his hands, his breathing hard enough to move his shoulders up and down. I could see his spine through the back of his sweatshirt and he leaned forward to put his elbows on his knees.

"Edward," I whispered while sitting up in my bed.

"God I shouldn't be here," he whispered.

Edward stood up from the chair and wobbled a bit on his unsteady legs. He shook his head and walked over to the windowsill to pick up his shoes.

"You're just leaving?" I asked with what I'm sure was a bewildered expression.

He nodded his head and brought his right foot up slip on a shoe and then dropped the other to the floor. I watched, hoping that he would turn around and stay, tell me something more, just be here for a moment longer.

But he'd already told me all he possibly could and I was just being selfish in wanting more. What I have is never enough, I always need more.

"Edward…"

"Just forget it…" he laughed dryly. "Pretend this never happened."

"I won't."

"You will."

"I won't, Edward, I won't just forget." I stood up from my bed and walked to the window where he was about to climb out.

I pushed him back with all my strength and then snapped the window closed. He looked at me with confusion and I pushed him again, this time towards my bed. He fell backwards and landed on my mattress with a thud and then looked up at me.

"What the hell is your problem?" he snapped. "You're fucking bipolar or something."

"No! I missed you and you didn't take my calls."

"Why the hell would I? I had every right not to."

"Because I'm loyal to you," I held my chin up and crossed my arms over my chest.

"I'm loyal to you, too but you never seemed to care about _that_." He sat up on his elbows and kicked off his shoes again before crawling under my blankets and pulling them over his head.

"You are _so_ drunk," I mumbled.

"I decided to get an early start for the weekend," he said through the blanket. "Now explain to me how you're loyal."

"I didn't tell Charlie about the fight, and he grounded me for it." I started off; he didn't say anything, so I continued. "I know you punched Jasper because he was asking about us. I've been trying to see if you were okay before I even thought of Jacob—"

"If you're loyal to me then dump his ass."

"Edward…"

He laughed humourlessly through the blanket and turned on his side so his back was facing me. I sighed and sat on the edge of the bed and leaned my back against his back.

"I'm sorry."

"I don't care," I could feel the vibrations from his voice through my spine and tickling me down to my toes.

We sat there in silence for a few minutes. Edward breathing pushed my body a bit and I could feel my eyes drooping but I was determined to stay awake. If I fell asleep I knew that when I woke up he'd be gone.

About ten minutes in I felt a light rumble shock through me and I looked over to where Edward's eyes were closed and he was snoring. His face looked so much more peaceful when he was like this. His hair flopped down over his forehead and with light snore certain pieces would flutter.

I put my hand on the top of his head and rubbed the greasy bronze hair gently. His eyes moved around behind the lids and his pale skin looked warmer than before. He looked so perfect here in my bed.

I leaned over his shoulders which were now limp, and before I could help myself, I placed a kiss on his cheek.

He was good, much too good for me.

I got up quietly from my bed and my eyes locked on the jar of alcohol across my room. I looked over to the window and locked it before I drew the blinds closed. The room became almost black instantly and I stumbled over to the rocking chair to grab the jar.

The living was dim with the hidden sun rising higher in the sky and I decided to make breakfast. He told me that he'd liked my sunny-side up eggs and french toast a couple times so I scoured the pantries and fridge for everything I would need.

While the eggs and vanilla blended together to saturate the bread fully, I walked over to the sink and opened the jar. I took one whiff of it and began to choke on the putrid stench. God, how could Edward drink this stuff?

I poured it down the drain without a thought and washed the sink with bleach to get rid of the smell that permeated the air. I decided right then and there to cut drinking cold turkey.

I pulled off the two pieces of toast and let them cool on a plate before putting on another two and getting the eggs ready. Cooking always took my mind off of things; it required constant attention and a steady hand or else nothing would come out right.

I dug out some frozen sausage from the back of the freezer before I heard a heavy knock on the front door. I turned off the oven and looked over at the window beside the door, but all I could see was a dark shadow.

When I was at the door I looked out the peep hole and nearly bit my tongue off in an attempt not to scream.

"Bella? You in there?" Jacob called.

I could say nothing and he would walk away after a bit. But the door was unlocked and if I snapped the lock the closed now it would make a sound, and if I didn't he would try to open the door. He could probably smell the food from the kitchen; it was kind of hard to miss.

_Shit!_ I panicked. _Oh God! Edward's upstairs! How am I supposed to handle this situation?_

I tried to smooth out my expression and get rid of the panic as I opened the door and came face to face with a bouquet of roses. They were red and wide open so they would die within the next three days and I tried to focus my mind on something as inane as that so I wouldn't squeak.

"Hey," he smiled a little, his swollen lip made a dimple form on the corner of his mouth and his bruised eye squinted.

I smiled back and whispered "Hey" while trying to avoid involuntary noises. He hopped a bit from one foot to the other and just as I was about to step out of the house to talk with him, he started to speak.

"Can I come in?" he asked. I opened my mouth, and from the corner of my eye I saw Edward's car sitting across the street about three houses down.

"S—sure," I mumbled.

He side-stepped my rigid form and walked into the living room. His head pointed to the kitchen and he sniffed the air and smiled. "Smells good."

"Thanks."

He looked back at me from where I was still standing and he outstretched his hand in an awkward advance to give me the flowers. I smiled and grabbed onto the plastic wrapping around them, thanking him and I walked to the hall closet to grab a vase and then to the kitchen to fill it up.

Jacob looked over the food that was done and the food that was in the middle of being cooked and raised an eyebrow.

"That's an awful lot."

I turned on the stove top to finish the eggs and toast. "I'm not feeling too well… I'm just… really hungry."

"Charlie said you weren't looking too well," he said, sitting at the kitchen table.

"Charlie?" I asked while raising my eyebrows.

"Yeah, I stopped by the station before I came here. I wanted to apologize to him for everything. He's okay with me now, but I'm getting charged with property damage—well, half of it."

"You went to my father before you came here?" I asked, a little offended. He patched things up my father before he tried anything with me. Something about that just sounded so… wrong.

"Yeah, I thought you were at school," he shrugged. "He told me I should stop by to visit you."

"I'm grounded."

"Yeah, I know."

I stared in narrowed eyed disbelief at the wall and tried to think of this conversation in my head. Charlie had been pretty strict with me all week, and I was still grounded all this weekend, but—

"I told him you had nothing to do with anything. He said I should tell you you're off the hook." He grinned a bit at me.

"Oh… thanks," I mumbled and instantly felt guilty. He was just trying to help me out and I was accusing him.

"So… listen," he sighed. "I don't want to argue, I really don't. Just tell me what the hell's going on between you and Cullen."

I stared at him with a blank expression. I thought he would come here and accuse me of all kinds of things—most of which would be right—but he was asking _me_ about what happened, asking for my account and willing to listen. He didn't look angry, he looked desperate.

"Nothing," I lied. "When you came in we were just talking."

"His hands were on your _ass_." Oh shit, I forgot about that.

"Alright, Jacob, I won't lie to you," I sighed leaning against the counter. "I really did leave to use the bathroom, and I was drinking a little, and Edward was drunk." _Think of something! Think of something!_ "He looked really… down, so I went over to see what was wrong with him."

That was believable, right? I could pretend that I was some caring girl who goes to comfort people her boyfriend hates, couldn't I?

"And what happened?" Jacob asked, completely entwined in my story of lies.

"I was talking to him, and then I hugged him, and right before you came in he put his hands on me I guess."

"Then why would he say all the shit that he said, Bella? He said that you were his, and he was just saying all this shit that he shouldn't have been saying!"

"And did I look like I agreed with any of it?" I asked in an outraged voice. I hoped his mind would go back to the moment where I pushed Edward off of me right before they went outside.

"No, you didn't." He frowned.

"Did you ever think he was saying all that to get you riled up? Maybe to make us fight?"

"No…"

"Then you didn't look at all the possibilities, Jacob." I turned around towards the stove top and occupied myself with getting the toast and eggs off.

Oh God, this was actually going to work. I'm a genius! I let this new found hope wash over me and spur me on to finish this.

"I guess I didn't." He paused. "But why are you all chummy with his crew?" His voice had quick accusation in it.

"I'm allowed to have friends." I bit my lip. "You don't like Edward, but Emmett and Jasper and really nice people. Jasper especially has been very friendly to me."

Jacob grumbled for a second and then he sighed. "I'm sorry."

I froze at the stove and guilt swam through every muscle in my body. "Don't," I swallowed. "Don't be. It was just a misunderstanding."

"Yeah, I'm still sorry, though. I've been a jerk to you all week. And, man, Billy's been so pissed at me. He would take away my car if I didn't need it for school."

I laughed a little hysterically and turned off the stove while I let the toast cool down a bit. I busied myself with cleaning up while Jacob watched me I assumed.

"What do you plan to do for the rest of the day?" he asked, quieter than before.

"Oh, not much. I'll probably work on some homework and sleep for the rest of the day." I waved my hand and yawned for effect.

"I could go for a nap," he grinned and stretched his arms above his head. "Wanna crash together?" He looked hopeful and there was no innuendo in his voice.

My fingers turned to icicles under the steaming hot water of the faucet and my breath hitched.

"Jacob… I don't think so." I smiled sadly and his face fell.

"Oh, alright. Maybe we could hang out this weekend?" At this his face regained hope.

"Yeah, sure." I smiled and put the dishes on the rack to dry.

He smiled and stood up from the table so I turned to walk him out the door and he leaned in to kiss me on the cheek before getting in his car. I waited by the door and waved to him and when his car was out of sight I let out a loud breath.

Once I was inside I nearly squealed with relief before I rushed up the stairs to my bedroom. The door was still closed and there wasn't a line of light coming out from under it when I made it upstairs.

I quietly opened the door and braced myself for disappointment, but there was none.

Edward was still in my bed, still in the same position I'd left him in, and his breathing filled my room. I bit my lip and smiled before skipping down the stairs. I figured I'd let him sleep for a couple more hours before I woke him to eat and leave before Charlie came home.

With a bounce in my step, and my food never tasting so good, I ate and thought about what had just happened and where the repercussions would lay in the future, but right now I would live in my moment of happiness.

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**A/N: Oh Bella, you stupid idiot, that's gonna come back to bite you in your ass. Sorry to tell ya', Doll.**

**I wonder how Edward will respond to this "wonderful" news?**

**Don't forget to review!**


	13. Chapter 13

**A/N: Lucky number 13.**

**This will be the last update until Tuesday or so, I'm going away for Easter and my grandparents don't have a computer. :/ If it's any consolation, I'd much rather read your awesome reviews and ideas than go to church for two hours in my "whore heels". xD**

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To say my spirits were high would be an understatement. I was positively gitty while I danced through the kitchen and put Edward's food together in a neat concoction on his plate.

I had successfully cleared things with Jacob, there was nothing to worry about with him, everything was back to perfect normalcy and I wouldn't—couldn't—get caught.

About four hours after Jacob left I heard the floor creak from upstairs and I paused from reading over math homework to listen for Edward. Seconds after the first creak I could hear feet shuffling across the wooden floor and then I heard his heavy footsteps fall on the stairs.

He appeared around the corner groggy and untidy and just a mess. His hair was absolutely everywhere and his eyes were brick red, but he looked better than before.

"Morning," I grinned.

He stared back at me with drooping eyes and we both heard his stomach grumble loudly. He looked down at his stomach and I could see his cheeks tint pink. I stifled a giggle and got up from my comfortable position on the couch to walk into the kitchen, Edward following along behind me.

I grabbed the plate packed with food from the fridge and placed it in the microwave and let it cook.

"You made me breakfast?" he asked with a pinch of amazement in his voice.

"Uh-huh," I nodded.

He looked at me and then at the microwave and his brow furrowed. His mouth opened like he was going to say something but he snapped it shut and murmured "Thank you" before sitting down at the kitchen table in the exact spot where Jacob had been.

When the plate was on the table he scarfed down every bite without hesitation. I watched him and the entire time I wondered how he could eat like that and still be so scrawny—well, not exactly scrawny.

"Did you sleep well?" I asked.

He nodded his head, his eyes flashing up briefly before looking back down at the plate. "Yeah."

I sat down at the table, reading a random catalog that was stacked with old mail while he ate the mountain of food I had made for him.

"You seem… happier," he commented.

I looked up from the magazine and I could feel my mouth form smile. The corner of his mouth twitched and he leaned back in his chair, placing a hand over his stomach and stretching the other above his head.

I grabbed his plate and walked over to the sink to rinse the grime from it.

"I guess I am."

"Why is that?" He asked, and when I heard his voice he was right beside me with a towel ready to dry what I washed.

"I fixed up some things while you were sleeping," I said, and then quickly realized my mistake.

"What do you mean?" he asked and took the plate from my hand.

I hesitated for a moment and considered the temperament Edward would be in if he was hung over. It had only been a couple hours… he could still be drunk.

"I settled things with Jacob."

The plate in his hand dropped into the sink and starting to clunk around until it hit the drain and fell flat.

"He was here while I sleeping?" Edward whispered.

I chanced a look up at his eyes and they were beyond furious. I touched his arm and he backed away from me. My heart clenched and put his hands on the counter behind him, grabbing on and clenching it so hard his knuckles were white.

"Yes, but he didn't know you were here. He came and then he left." I tried to calm him down.

"You didn't think about _anything_!" he yelled. I jolted upright and he continued. "You're back with him in his mind now. You didn't think about anything I told you. As soon as you got an opening with him you went right back!"

"What else was I supposed to do?" I tried to keep my voice even, but my hands were shaking horribly.

He ran a hand through his hair and closed his eyes. "You could have said _no_! You could have told him it was over!"

"Why?"

_"Why?"_ he whispered. "Why do you think, Bella? Why do you think I'm even here right now?"

"Edward—"

"No. No, I can't—I can't do this anymore, Bella. I quit."

"What are you talking about? Edward, wait, please!" He turned his back and his shoulders were shaking and he was hunched over himself. He looked so hurt.

"I don't have much," he mumbled and then he turned back around to face me. "I don't have much, Bella, but I'll give you everything I've got. I can't pay to get myself through college, but I'll do everything I can to get you into a good one. I'm not friends with the teachers but I'd be the best suck up to get you recommendations."

His eyes were so pleading and desperate and hurt and sad… and crying. The only stupid thing I could come up in response with was a weak "Edward…"

"I can't give you the world on the silver platter and I may be a worthless son of a bitch who gambles and smokes and drinks, but I'd stop everything for you. I'd give up every damn thing I've ever had for you." He breathed in a deep, shaky breath and wiped the back of his hand over his wet cheeks. "Just… come with me—say yes to me."

We stood there in silence and scenes passed through my head like lightening strikes.

I saw myself in college, on the Dartmouth campus, getting a good education, getting a good job, and living my life alone. And then I saw myself in that same scenario and coming back to Forks every so often and having Jacob here and I felt hallow at the thought of living the rest of my life with someone I didn't love.

And I saw myself living in monotony no matter where we moved to. I could see children with black and sparkling eyes and even though they were adorable and young, I couldn't even feel it enough in my head to really love those children.

I could see us sitting on a porch swing in our octogenarian age and living boring and platonic lives with no actual worth.

And through the outstanding haze of boredom and entrapment I saw a light and I grabbed onto that light and rode it out until I could hit something better, something free and something real.

I saw Edward.

I saw us, I saw his friends—our friends—happy, content, but not in a monotonous way. We were smiling, laughing, sitting somewhere out in the woods in the back of my truck, and I was holding Edward's hand but it didn't feel forced or uncomfortable.

I could see me going to college somewhere close, and maybe not so great, but Edward was there, he was with me and somehow that made it all better.

I saw children, but I couldn't focus on them because it made my chest clench in emotion and tears. I saw little bronze haired children running and screaming.

I saw it all in front of my eyes.

But…

I didn't love him like he loved me.

My eyes moved to my feet and I heard Edward's breathing get harder in the silence. I saw a drop hit the floor and I knew he was crying right now; I hated that I made him cry. Someone so strong and kind shouldn't have to deal with someone like me.

"Forget it," he whispered. "Forget I—I even said anything."

He nearly ran out of the kitchen and I heard the front door slam shut as he left the house. This house really was just an empty pile of wood and carpet and soulless creatures.

I sank down into a chair and stared at the floor for seconds, minutes, could have been hours, but I focused on those little kids staring up at me with their toothy grins. I saw the front teeth that should have been there missing and when they yelled up to me their voices whistled.

I could feel the wetness on my cheeks but I just couldn't bring myself to care enough to wipe them.

I just couldn't care.

God, what was wrong with me?

I thought of different scenarios with Edward even though I shouldn't have, because it was too late now and I was only hurting myself with what really couldn't be.

But I imagined him in his car beating himself up and probably going home to get the schnapps and vodka from the bottom of his closet and he wouldn't care if he drank himself into a coma.

I wanted to go to him but I couldn't get my mind to follow through with that command. It kept telling me that college was waiting and there were bigger and better things than Forks and there was no boy here worth it. I could find love another time in my life but this was the beginning of my future.

Yeah.

Right.

Some hours later Charlie came through the front door loud and heavy with his groaning and commenting about how the house smelled like a breakfast factory.

"Bells?" He stopped when he got to the kitchen. When I heard him call my name I got up and pulled out some fish from the freezer and busied myself with the disgusting stench rather than the thoughts of a little kid waving at me.

Charlie didn't say anything else after that. He went up to his room and changed into some sweat pants and lounged around in the living room until I called him for dinner.

We ate in silence with I didn't know if it was awkward or not, but I had something bouncing around my mind and it was killing me not to know.

"How did you know when you loved mom?" I blurted.

Charlie looked up at me and cocked his head but his cheeks were a little red. He put his fork down and breathed in a deep breath like he was about to tell me the world's biggest secret.

"I, uh, guess I figured it out when we had our first kiss." He stuttered but I listened intently. "With me and Renee it was kind of… physical I guess, but she had this… feeling around her. Everything was light hearted and fun."

"So how did you know?" I asked. I was looking for something like sparks and fireworks.

"It just kind of happened." He shrugged. "We probably only knew each other for three months before we got married. Our first fight was on our wedding night and from then on we didn't stop."

"So did being in love make your relationship stop?"

"Oh, I guess not. It was falling _out_ of love is what was our downfall. We didn't really hold conversations, just kind of went with the flow." Charlie looked up at me. "Why are you asking me about this? Something wrong with Jacob?"

"Yep."

"You wanna talk about it?"

"Nope."

For the rest of the night we didn't speak and we were both perfectly happy about it.

* * *

"Can you come over?"

"No, I'm still not feeling well."

"I could come over—"

"I wouldn't want you to get sick."

"Bells… the whole weekend's gone by and we haven't hung out."

"Jacob, it's seven at night and I'm just not feeling well."

He grumbled a bit. "Fine."

"Goodnight."

"'Night Bella."

I hung up with irritation and turned over on my bed. He just wouldn't leave me alone. All yesterday and all day today he'd been calling and bothering me about going down to the beach.

'The beach' usually ended up with us in his room for an hour or so.

I couldn't do that; I didn't think I could do that ever again. The thought of it made my stomach twist in disgust.

I closed my eyes and let the vision of little kids running around with copper hair flow onto the back of my eyelids.

I sighed out loud and smiled a bit.

* * *

**A/N: Sorry for all the angst, it's winding down, though, and therefore it's kind of needed.**

**Next chapter is the final confrontation, the collision, going to head-to-head.**

**Some people were asking if I could give them any French Toast and egg recipes from last chapter, and the answer is no because I don't eat eggs and I wouldn't even know where to begin to cook an egg. Vegetarian, sorry. :P**

**Thoughts?**

**Don't forget to review!**


	14. Chapter 14

**A/N: The repetitiveness ends here.**

**Show time Bella.**

**I made an oopsie-no-no last chapter and, uh, forgot to put in the song lyrics. I'm a bad person, I'm really sorry.**

Chapter 13

Everything's normal, everything's not ok, it's normal

—OTEP, Otep Shamaya; Germ

* * *

"**Memento Mori**"

OTEP tour 2003

"Remember to die; be mindful of death"

* * *

How is it that when one thing goes right, another thing bursts into flames and comes hurdling at the other in a thousand flaming pieces hell bent on impact?

I think it's just the world balancing out the good and the bad and right now the bad is outweighing the good about a million to one.

My weekend consisted of the back of my eyelids and several trips to the kitchen for ice cream. I had successfully cleared Charlie's chocolate mint section and I was working towards the peppermint very slowly.

When my alarm went off Monday morning I felt tears prick at my eyes for the thousandth time and I was determined not to cry today. That's a hard thing to say when you look in the mirror and see the tear streaks that are soaked into your skin.

I showered and scrubbed every inch of body to get the grime off. I felt disgusting from lying in bed all weekend and I was sure my room was an absolute mess.

I threw on a pair of jeans and one of the shirts that was hanging on the back of my desk's chair, and then grabbed a jacket from my closet. I couldn't be bothered with my hair so I threw it up and wrapped a hair band around it until it hung down my back.

After grabbing an apple and my homework for the next month and a half, I walked out of my house and climbed into the safety of my truck.

I felt like crap.

I looked like crap.

My keys slipped into the ignition and I threw my beast of a Chevy into reverse, running over the muddy curb, and nearly peeling out when I jerked the wheel sharply.

The roar of the engine didn't give me much room to think about Edward's betrayed face for the millionth time. I didn't have to think about Jacob's grinning expression, triumphant and smug.

What the fuck was wrong with me?

I pulled the car over and I just looked out through the windshield. My brow pulled down in the middle and my breath picked up in an attempt to subdue the sobs that were bubbling in my chest and climbing with resistance up to my throat.

This was wrong. Oh God, this was wrong.

How could I _just_ realize what a mistake I'm making now? How could I have not thought about this before?

This was my _life_ and I was submitting it to something I didn't want.

College is great; college is all I've had to go on for years. It was the one dream I'd always had, and I tricked myself into believing that the dream I longed for was in Jacob's hands… but how could I guarantee that? Why was I depending on someone else to get me what I want?

My body collapsed into my seat and my breathing got shakier. With every breath I took in my voice would whimper and squeak while I tried to fight the urge to scream with frustration.

_What the _fuck _is wrong with me?_ I screamed in my mind. _How could I let it get this far? It's not what I thought it would be!_

It's not what I thought it would be…

Jacob wouldn't get me into college no matter how high of a pedestal I put him on.

And Edward's and my relationship wasn't solely based on sex…

I swallowed hard and I heard the drop of saliva slip into my throat and the gulp that echoed in the car. I could hear my stomach acid dissolving every particle and then the loud gurgle of my pained stomach.

I looked over at the clock and realized I had six minutes to get to school before I got marked as a tardy for Spanish, but that was minimized next to the battle raging on in the pit of my stomach, my tight chest, my pounding head, and my strained jaw.

So as the latter, my hands grabbed onto the steering wheel and swerved out of the ditch I drove myself into (how fitting) and sped off to school with a new found—panicking—resolve.

Before I got out of my car I looked around the parking lot and through sea of cars until I found Jacob's car. It was next to a hippie van and a rusty Mazda but it was there nonetheless.

My eyes looked over across the lot into the teacher's lot and I spotted Emmett's jeep, and right behind it was the beat up silver Volvo that smelled like gasoline and rusted metal.

My heart jumped up out of my chest and into my stomach. The little ticking of my heart gave me the courage to get out of the car and make my way inside.

The halls were empty as I walked down the familiar path past the main office and up the main stairs. I walked on the hard tile and with every click of my feet on the floor my nerves grew more frayed until I could feel the perspiration on my neck start to slip down into my shirt.

When I was at the door to my Spanish class… I just stood there.

I glared the wood and stood away from the glass so no one would see me, but I peeked into the room just for a moment to glance at the back of the class.

The room was filled and the lights from above twitched every few seconds, but I saw them sitting in their secluded corner.

Edward's hood was up and he was glaring at the wall in front of him with a resigned expression. His eyes were brick red and he had shadows under his them. He just looked so tired and defeated.

Jacob was behind him, looking bored while he scribbled down notes and drummed his pencil against his notebook. He didn't even look bothered by the fact that all week he had been the most aggressive person I'd ever seen and that Friday afternoon we'd made up and moved on.

I looked at my feet and took in a shuddering breath.

_I can't do this,_ I thought to myself.

"You gonna go in?"

I looked to my left and Jasper was standing there, facing me, with his left shoulder pressed against the wall and his hands in his pockets. He raised an eyebrow at me and waited for me to answer.

I shook my head and lightly put my head against the wood of the door.

"I found him passed out Saturday night." Jasper said. "He was drinking brandy and had a camel frost lit up in the ash tray."

I looked up at him and he smiled at me a little, but his eyes were sad and hurt. Jasper pushed himself off the wall and sat across from the class, his back to the lockers.

"What—" I cleared my throat. "What does that mean?"

"Friday he came over, and I think he knew that you told me, but he went to the basement and punched the KO bag that's down there for a good three hours. When he came up he was babbling a bunch of shit and then he started talking about someone else and by the way he kept saying _she_ I caught on that he was talking about you." His dark blue eyes flashed up and he wasn't smiling. "You like brandy and camel frosts and your hair smells like strawberries and freesia and you like classic romance novels."

I gaped for a moment and then shook my head. "What does that have to do with anything?" I mumbled.

"You let him down I take it?"

"I—"

"You told him no,"

I looked at Jasper and I couldn't even think to explain myself because there was nothing to explain. I told him, I made him that way, I was disgusting and weak but I could make it a little better.

"I didn't tell him no," I said. "I didn't tell him anything, which is worse than no. I just stood there and that was much more lethal because he probably hates me now."

"I would hate you," Jasper said quickly.

"_Do_ you hate me?" I asked a bit desperately.

"No… I can't hate you. You made Edward a lot happier than I've ever seen that kid. He actually smiled and laughed with this… vitality that I haven't seen since we were all kids."

I nodded, not knowing what to say—because there was nothing to say.

"I'll make it better," I said.

Jasper looked up at me and his expression was mocking me a bit, and he didn't even have to ask because his eyes screamed it all. _How?_

I turned around and put my hand on the doorknob with shaking fingers that screamed at the contact of cool metal, and I pushed that door open with a new found terrifying confidence that I knew would only last a couple of seconds before I ran with my tail between my legs.

"Senorita Swan!" Mrs. Goff held her hand out for a pass, but upon looking at my empty hands her brow furrowed.

"I don't have one," I mumbled.

"después de clase," she sighed and pointed me to my seat.

My hands were trembling and I knew that Jasper was waiting right outside the door, listening to hear how I would make it better.

My legs carried me unsteadily to the back of the class where Jacob was grinning as my reception. He grabbed a piece of paper that was on top of the desk and crumpled it up into a ball and threw it to the floor. He looked at me expectantly, knowing I would sit right there, knowing I would come back over to him and sit in that same chair that he'd made me sit in on the first day of class because only losers sat in the front.

He smiled at me because he knew that I'd submit to him if he said the right words and that I'd stop what ever I was doing so that he could have control over every detail of my life.

No.

I stopped right next to my desk, my knees touching the cool metal through my jeans. I could see the table shake a bit and the pencil on top of it trembled and rolled down onto the floor with a loud hollow sound.

Half the class turned to look at me but I took a deep breath, acutely aware that Edward was a few inches from me and stone still in his seat.

Jacob looked up at me, his expression was puzzling and he pulled out my chair for me. I shook my head no and swallowed and with one last shaky inhale I said the word that had been floating around in my mind since this whole thing had started.

"No," I mumbled.

Edward's shoulders, which were inches from my elbow, unlocked and he turned a bit. Emmett spun around slowly to look at us and his eyes flashed to mine quickly, the look was urging me on, like he knew I needed to be encouraged.

I heard Jasper in the hallway come closer, probably opening the door, and I knew that I had their support, so maybe I could make this bravery last a couple seconds longer.

"Sit down, Bells, what's wrong?" Jacob asked, glancing around. I suddenly regretted doing it this way, but I was just—how could anyone just deal with this?

"No, Jacob," I said and my voice trembled a little. "I won't,"

"Senorita Swan," Mrs. Goff's voice carried through the room.

Her voice was cut off by a hiss. "Shhh," slipped through Edward's lips and Mrs. Goff stopped speaking abruptly like a child being chastised.

"What are you doing, Bella?" Jacob asked, his eyes narrowed as he looked at the back of Edward's head and his fists clenched on the tabletop.

My courage came back again and this time I was defensive. "Don't look at him; look at me, Jacob Black."

His head snapped to me and he had this accusatory look on his face. His mouth opened a bit and that was the moment Jacob Black realized I'd been wildly fucking Edward Cullen behind his back.

"You lied to me!" He blew up.

"Yes, I did,"

"I—I can't fucking _believe_ you!" He yelled and pushed his desk back and moved his back to the window like he was disgusted with me. "After all I've done for you—"

"What have you done for me, Jacob? Think of one damn thing you did that wasn't for yourself." I said and grabbed the straps of my backpack so I would have something to occupy my hands.

"You! I—I fucking—you don't even—" He yelled and then he shut his mouth and he glared at me viciously. I visibly shrank back and that gave him more incentive to go on the offensive. "So you date me so you can go to college, and then you fuck _him_ behind my back? Oh, that's fucking rich!"

He belted out each word and I could hear everyone in the room erupt into side conversations. One kid shouted "I knew it!" over the babbling voices.

My eyes closed and I swallowed down the tears that were stinging at the back of my throat, just hoping to wash them down and not have to worry about looking like a child _and_ a whore.

I didn't move and when my eyes opened he continued on, smirking a bit. Even though he was publically dumped he was humiliating me in front of everyone.

_So long recommendations, so long Dartmouth._

"I can't believe you; I thought you were better than _that_. Or that you could at least fuck someone better than _Cullen_ here."

"There's nothing wrong with him! This is between you and me, Jacob."

"So was our relationship, but you brought him into that." He crossed his arms.

"You know from the beginning what was going on. I didn't love you, I _don't _love you. You were more like a brother, and you completely exploited whatever trust I had in you then."

"Oh please," he scoffed.

"Stop acting!" I yelled. "Stop putting on a show, but whether you admit it or not doesn't matter because you _know_ there was nothing, you can't make something out of nothing."

"How poetic," he rolled his eyes.

"Maybe if you knew how to take care of a girl it would've been a bit more bearable." I mumbled.

Half the class let out collective snorting noises and I instantly regretted saying it. Jacob's face turned red and his fist clenched up by his side.

He took one long stride toward me, successfully knocking the chair with his pass. His eyes were locked on me and I took a step backward, my thighs hitting another desk.

Edward shot up beside me and Emmett was on the other side of Jacob. Edward's left arm shot out in front of me and I was tucked behind his back in a second.

"Back off, Black," Edward nearly growled.

"What the fuck are you gonna do about it, Cullen?" Jacob punctuated his sentence with a step closer. Emmett's hand wrapped around his upper arm and he was yanked backwards.

"I'll beat your ass into the ground again." The smirk was obvious in his voice and Jacob took another step forward.

"I'd like to see you try that."

Mrs. Goff ran across the room with her hands flailing and her little voice trying to calm the three boys ready to kill each other. "No more fighting, no more fighting, just please sit down." She pleaded.

"So how long have you been fucking my sloppy seconds?" Jacob sneered, but he looked hurt, and pained, and betrayed. His eyes showed it all in that moment, every ounce of pain and regret.

"Actually," I could _hear_ the smile in Edward's voice when he spoke. "You've been getting _mine_ for a good while now. Since before your 'relationship' started."

"Edward!" I squeaked.

He pushed his arm backwards and nudged me the tiniest bit. I could feel everyone's eyes boring into my back and the whispers were loudly buzzing throughout the room.

"You fucking—"

"Back down, Black," Emmett's arm pushed out when Jacob took a step closer to Edward.

I held my breath and tugged back on Edward's jacket.

Mrs. Goff's voice rang out over every other sound in the room. The tension was cut in half when her voice started screaming shrill words in Spanish so quickly I couldn't catch anything.

Her finger was pointing towards the door when I looked up at her. Her whole face was a bright red that was much brighter than I'd ever been. When we all stood there and more-or-less gaped in confusion, she screamed "Office!" so loudly the window panes rattled in their fixtures.

A swift knock on the open doorway revealed the campus security that was waiting for us. The black phone near the door was off the hook and the dial tone echoed through the room.

"You four," the security guard poked two fingers toward each of us and pushed them towards the empty hallway in a menacing signal to get our asses out of the room.

Edward grabbed a hardcover book and left his other books at his desk before turning and grabbing my arm for me to follow.

I assumed his confidence to turn his back came from Emmett who was stalking slowly behind Jacob who was grabbing his sweatshirt and bag from the back of the chair.

Several people snickered while we went by and one girl gave a thumbs up. Oh yes, encourage me even more why don't you.

When I made it through the threshold of the hallway from Spanish, Jasper was leaning up against the lockers trying to suppress his smile and failing miserably at it.

"Whitlock," the security guard snapped. "Banner called down to the office for you. Get to class before I drag you there."

Jasper saluted the security guard and grinned at me before turning on his heel and whistling down the hall. He was whistling a verse from Lou Reed, and I sang the song of compatibility in my mind, letting some of the hums from my throat slip out into the air.

And then Edward started to hum Roxanne, and I was humming along with him while we all tensely walked down the hall to the office.

Edward's hand slid from my elbow down my forearm and to my hand in a slow, deliberate movement, giving me time to pull away if I wanted. Instead of pulling my hand out of his, I hesitated slightly, but I didn't push him away. Our hands cupped together in the most innocent fifth grader hand-holding and we hummed Roxanne together like children.

The five sets of our feet slapped down the stairs and out across campus to the main office where the assistant principal was waiting for us, an angry look plastered across his face.

His eyes looked at Edward first, not surprised in the least. I frowned at that. Then they looked at me, one eyebrow hitching up, and then at Jacob, and his face went into complete open shock. By the time he looked at Emmett's defensive stance in the back his face couldn't get out of bewilderment.

We all made our collective way through the office, the thick carpet muting the sounds of footsteps. The secretary at the front desk looked up from her computer screen and her brow furrowed as we made our way past them.

Mr. Green held open the door and glared down at each one of us who entered. His long nose sneered down, confusion evident in his aging eyes and one snaggle tooth hanging over his lip.

Along the right wall was a long couch with a couple chairs on either side beside a table. Jacob dropped onto the end of the couch, his arm hanging over the armrest and his mouth set in a deep frown. I sat on the opposite side of the couch and Edward and Emmett took the chairs.

When Mr. Green saw we were all appropriately spaced out from one another, he continued to pace around the room, fixing up different things to stall time.

He whipped around and looked each of us in the eyes before he snapped, "What the hell is going on?"

"Nothing, sir," Edward piped up.

"Don't give me that, Cullen. I can see you and McCarty down here, but Jacob… _Jacob_, what the hell happened?"

Emmett snorted and rested his head on his fist, clearly here as a spectator. Jacob straightened his posture, the sound frown planted on his mouth turned and he smiled at Mr. Green.

"It's a long story, Mr. Green." Jacob said, no hint of emotion in his voice.

"I have plenty of time. Why don't you give me the lo down?"

"Cullen's fucking Bella."

"No!" I screamed, sitting up, my mouth opened and my hands flailed out in front of me. I turned from Mr. Green to glare at Jacob. "What the hell is wrong with you?"

Edward tugged a belt loop on my jeans and I fell back onto the cushion.

"We don't need you arrested for assault." He murmured, suppressing a laugh.

"Uh… well…" Mr. Green sputtered, looking for something to say in this… less than ordinary situation.

"What the hell is wrong with _me_? Maybe you should take a step back and look at the train wreck that you're looming over, Bella." Jacob turned his body toward me and glared down, his eyes narrowed into slits. "I always thought of you, if I thought you would stay in this relationship no matter what I did and I didn't care I would have been a lot more forceful. But I was always considerate of you. You on the other hand just turned out to be one big _bitch_."

"Hey!" Edward snapped over my shoulder.

"Shut the fuck up before I break your jaw, Cullen." Jacob snapped, his expression was lethal and I shrank back into my seat. His head whipped back to me. "You were with him before me?"

I swallowed and nodded my head a little. My eyes were wide and my lips were parted a bit, making them dry with each quaking breath I dragged in.

Jacob turned away from me and ran his hands over his cropped head and winced when he hit a knick on his scalp. He turned his head away and kept whispering over and over again "what the fuck, what the fuck, what the fuck," not as a question but in an unbelievable chant to occupy his mouth from screaming and biting and spitting.

"M—Maybe we should talk about the precautions we'll be needing to take after the… fight in class." Mr. Green mumbled, clearly uncomfortable in the tense atmosphere.

"Why don'tchya, Green?" Emmett said, propping his feet up on the desk.

"Get the hell out of here, McCarty." Mr. Green sighed and pointed to the door.

Emmett grinned, slammed his palm against Edward's shoulder and patted me on the top of my head before he walked out of the room and started talking to the secretary at the front desk when the door closed behind him.

Mr. Green grabbed one of the files on his desk and read from one of the blocks. "Isabella M. Swan has no previous history of troublesome incidents so I think one day of suspension should be enough."

"Alright," I murmured.

College was already flying out of sight; why not watch it go with whatever dignity I had? I dug my nails into my wrist to stop the oncoming tears and looked back up to see Mr. Green fingering through another file.

"Jacob, there's one count of out of school violence on your record here so two days suspension will be granted…" he mumbled. "And Cullen… hefty amount of both in school and out of school trouble, I should just expel you… but, since I can't—"

"Two days," Edward said, his face dead serious. "Two days suspension and whatever in school shit you can throw at me."

"Language," Mr. Green sighed, a twinge of irritation finely lining his voice. "Fine, two days suspension, you're switching out of Mrs. Goff's class and after school detention for a week. Can you _handle that_?"

"Yes," he said putting his right leg up on Mr. Green's desk.

"Suspension starts now! Go home and don't let me see you for two days!" With that Mr. Green stormed out of the room, slamming the door in his wake.

"Crazy old bastard," Edward muttered.

"_Fuck you_," Jacob hissed, standing up from the couch and just when I thought he would fight Edward, he turned his back and left the office.

The silence starched the room like bleach to a black shirt, and the air was thick with this indescribable tension that was just…unbearable to me because I'd never experienced it around Edward.

I sat absolutely still, less than a hairs breath from Edward, and the only sounds in the room were his breathing, and my breathing, and my pounding heart that was dying to escape my chest and finally just die from all the tension and fear and it had been experiencing over the weeks.

But now that I thought over it all, now that I had time to look back at what I just did—in front of an entire Spanish class—I regretted it. I was glad I didn't have time to think of it beforehand and that Jasper kicked my ass into gear.

It was over.

I was… free?

I mean, sure, I wouldn't get into Dartmouth anymore, but college wasn't everything right? This had been my dream for so long, but now that I took a step back, really analyzed everything, it just… didn't matter.

Huh, it didn't matter.

"I've never been suspended before." I mused suddenly lighthearted.

"It's a vacation in the middle of the week."

"It's the beginning of the week."

"It's like an extended weekend."

"What do I do?"

His head turned to me and he pursed his lips a bit, his head leaning back into the wall. His hair flopped haphazardly into his right eye and he didn't even flinch.

"S'only nine, wanna go grab breakfast?" He asked, standing up and stretching an arm over his head.

I stood and followed his lead, stretching my arms and cracking my back and I nodded eagerly, following him out of the office and past the dozens of wondering eyes.

The hallway was littered with students when the bell rang, people looked at us, curious and interested as to why we were so close together, talking and smiling. It was weird, abnormal, and somehow it was just right.

When we got to the parking lot Edward walked to his car, his fingers gently brushing against the back of my fingers and I took the plunge of lacing them together, holding onto them tightly, and squeezing them until they were cold.

It was okay, it was going to be alright.

We were going to be okay.

Edward jammed his key into the rusted lock on the door of his car and when it snapped open he stopped and faced me.

His eyes darted around my face, never looking me in the eye, just watching me for a moment and then the column of his throat expanded in a swallow.

"Bella?" He mumbled.

"Yeah?" I squeezed his fingers tighter and he looked me in the eye.

"Do you wanna, maybe, see a movie later today?"

He fidgeted nervously just a bit. From one foot to the other he hopped lightly in his place, waiting for me to open my mouth and accept or deny him. No more ultimatums, the last try, my last chance.

But it was so simple, something so little, something so innocent even thought we'd seen each other with our clothes off, in the throws of passion, seen the other cry, seen the other desperate and scared.

I leaned in closer and wrapped my hand around the back of his neck, pulling his lips down to mine.

He smiled against my lips, not worrying if this was a goodbye kiss, because we could both just _tell_ that this wasn't a goodbye kiss, it was a hello kiss. This was the introduction to something new, maybe something terrifying, and maybe something scary, but we would do it together.

I nodded when we pulled away. His grin lit up his whole face, and for the first time I saw pure, unadulterated happiness cross the blank canvas of his face.

And so the meticulous monotony of average, and regular, normalcy, and regularity was broken and snapped to pieces, waiting to be buried under the new soil of free inhibitions, curiosity, and most importantly:

"I love you," I whispered against his lips.

"Oh God, Bella," he whispered back, our mouths successfully mended together and sealed over any lost words that weren't spoken before.

And we were beautiful together.

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**A/N: Yes, I ended it like that. Shall I explain a tad?**

**No, she didn't love him the entire time. No, this doesn't mean happily-ever-after. No, it won't be easy.**

**Yes, she figured out in the end she loves him. Yes, they're going to date. Yes, they're going to go through trial and error like every other couple out in the big world.**

**Songs from this chapter were Lou Reed, Take a Walk on the Wild Side and The Police, Roxanne.**

**I ADORE this chapter and I've probably read it, oh, about ten times since I first wrote it. I've changed things around and took out and put in and switched up and did weird things that later on in the day I was gaping at my stupidity, and I do like the ending and I'm sticking with it, but in my heart I had a different ending playing over and over again in my mind.**

**Second ending I've dreamed of:**

_His eyes darted around my face, never looking me in the eye, just watching me for a moment and then the column of his throat expanded in a swallow._

_"Bella?" He mumbled._

_"Yeah?" I squeezed his fingers tighter and he looked me in the eye._

_"Do you wanna, maybe, see a movie later today?"_

_He fidgeted nervously just a bit. From one foot to the other he hopped lightly in his place, waiting for me to open my mouth and accept or deny him. No more ultimatums, the last try, my last chance._

"Yeah," I nodded. "I do."

He looked on expectantly, like he was ready for me to say more. His eyes got wide, looking me on and... pleading with me to--

_Oh!_

"Oh," I whispered.

I couldn't, no, I really, truly, honestly just could not bring myself to say that. It wasn't the truth, and, as of yet, I didn't know if I could love him. It would take so much and to be unbiased in everything we would do.

His face fell just the slightest, but he retained his posture, his confidence still exuding from every pore. He might have been hung up on the fact that I had accepted his invitation.

He smiled at me, and we held hands like a fifth grade couple.

His smile and the simple contact told me all I needed to know. It was okay, I had time to tell him, we didn't need to rush things. If I ever felt like I could say it with truth and sicerity behind the words, I could tell him I loved him. Right now I knew he loved me, and hopefully he had enough for the both of us until I could buck up and get past my... insecurites.

We clung onto each other's hands and walked out into the distant sunset like the cheesy teenage kids we were.

**'Kay, two reasons why I didn't go with this one. One: I wanted to base it outside of Bella's house. I probably would have had her go home after getting suspended, and then Edward would have come and said perfect Edwords, they'd kiss or whatever, and the original ending wasn't romantic. Two, I didn't like the cliche sunset crap even though I WANT WANT WANTED to do it. :( Oh, and one I just thought of I guess. If she did say that she loved him it should have been quick and in the moment, even if it's in a pot-holed faculty parking lot.**

**This is the longest A/N I've ever done!**

**Um, one last thing. Next chapter's the epilogue which I might be willing to maybe change up if anyone has some suggestions, but I am completely in love with it. And I have an extra that I took out because it was unnecessary, but it's cute and sexy and friendly all in one.**

**So, so, SO sorry for the length of this.**

**Don't forget to review!**

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	15. Chapter 15

**A/N: Epilogue.**

**The Cure greatly inspired the epilogue, this song is for Edward. I'm a sap.

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**

"Whenever I'm alone with you  
You make me feel like I am free again  
Whenever I'm alone with you  
You make me feel like I am clean again

However far away I will always love you  
However long I stay I will always love you  
Whatever words I say I will always love you  
I will always love you "

—The Cure; Love Song

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**

Maybe I'd been expecting failure—welcoming it with open arms even. I liked the idea of trial and error more than I'd care to admit, but it's something that I lived with as a constant and therefore just tended to become used to.

But that's not what happened.

The most shocking thing that could possibly happen—happened. The one thing I hadn't been expecting when I entered this whole new situation was that I would end up prospering like this with absolute… happiness.

I gave up on college pretty quickly. I didn't have the fight or care left in me to even keep my grades tiptop. I finished off the quarter with nothing below a B, but still, straight A's were a thing of the past.

I set my sights for close to home in Seattle instead. The cost would be cheaper and I was guaranteed a scholarship anyway, what's a couple thousand miles in difference for schools anyway?

Jacob didn't look at me, didn't speak to me, didn't touch me, and acted as he did toward Edward when we dated.

I was happier than I ever thought I could be.

I'd had it with that brat; he was sullen for a month or two, found some girl in Port Angeles and moved on. Good.

I think he was mortified that I'd been cheating on him the entire time, that even if he did really like me at one point I'd never felt the same way. The male ego is a fragile little thing.

Gossip became unbearable for a while—well, more than a while. High school girls are ruthless when they tease, especially if the whole female student body has one enemy. I'd been the centre of many jokes, pranks and the like. Not to mention the few that came up to me asking who was better in bed. Like I'd tell….

And speaking of good in bed, well, there was Edward.

Since that day we'd both gotten suspended and he asked me out in his shy, childish way in the parking lot we'd been… good.

We were good together.

We went on our stupid little date, laughed and made stupid little jokes, laughed some more, made out in the back of a movie theatre, got to second base in that same movie theatre, and then laughed our silly asses back to his house so he could properly introduce me to his mother.

And since that day it had been five solid months, and each day was better than the last.

I sighed loudly and stretched my arms out above my head. The dew on the ground was starting to send shivers through my body, but I was oddly at peace.

"Mmm…" Edward hummed.

I flipped onto my stomach, Edward's arm still wrapped around my waist and he pushed me closer to him. The sun peeked from behind the clouds and warmed up my back.

"Tired?" I asked teasingly while moving a lock of hair from his closed eyes.

"I can't believe I had to wait this long to consummate us." He murmured, but his grin gave any seriousness away.

"You enjoyed it."

"Which part? The unending dry spell, or the hand jobs few and far between?" He laughed at the end and ran a hand over his face, smirking up at me with those bright green eyes.

I folded myself into his side and rested my head on his shoulder before kissing his neck. "Both,"

"You're right,"

"Of course I am," His fingers pressed at my side and I laughed loudly, curling into him more.

So we sat there in that little meadow, naked as we came, back where it all started—where this whole crazy thing had begun—and we laughed like it didn't matter because it just didn't.

We laid there for hours, touching, kissing, and telling each other that we were in love, not worrying for the first time about the future or the mountain of issues that were sure to come. This moment just couldn't be ruined; it was perfection at it's finest.

For the first time in my life I had no regrets. Nothing was _normal_ or _regular_. I lived day by day with Edward where spontaneity and random events took place.

Because we were in love, and we could just have this moment in our life—and hopefully, forever.

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**A/N: Aw, five month dry spell? Who saw that coming? Well, problems can't be solved with sex, guess they would figure that out sooner or later.**

**For the people asking about *cringe* a sequal, I don't think I could do it. Sorry, but I've never done a sequal, and as much as I want to continue on with these two, I think the future of their relationship is up to the reader. They could have happily-ever-after, they could break up, or anything else the human mind can come up with.**

**Thank you so much for reading and reviewing. I loved each and every one of your thoughts, and I get all choked up. :)**

**If things go the way I plan, _Cultivating Youth Subsitences_ should be finished as soon as I get the epilogue up, but I should have a short story I did a while ago called _E Pluribus Unum _up around the next month or so.**

**Don't forget to review!**


	16. Chapter 16

**A/N: This is the extra I was talking about in previous chapters.**

**I wanted to put them in somewhere, but when I was writing I never really found the right spot. Even now I wouldn't have know where to put it in without it being unecessary. But Bella having girl friends IS necessary because every girl needs a friend they can talk to.**

**This doesn't really fit in with epilogue, but it's a couple months into Edward and Bella dating. I think I mentioned somewhere in here them having sex, but it's subjective.**

**

* * *

**

"Rosalie's the blonde?"

"Yep,"

"And Alice is the short girl?"

"Yep,"

"Emmett's dating Rosalie and Jasper's dating Alice?"

"Yep,"

"I can do this,"

"I know you can,"

Edward looked at me from the corner of his eye and he smiled down while I went through every piece of information I'd gathered on these two.

"Rosalie's majoring in mechanics and auto body, and Alice is majoring in… art?"

"More specifically…"

"Dance and coordinating dance,"

"You're on fire," he grinned.

"Are we almost there?" I asked anxiously, squirming in my seat and _trying_ not to vomit in Edward's car. God was I trying.

"Almost, but we'll have to walk a ways. The campus is pretty big and they're in the girl's dormitory half way across the parking lot." He snapped on his blinker and made a sharp turn. "Emmett and Jasper are already there."

I breathed out the breath I'd been holding for a while now. I could deal with Emmett and Jasper, we'd all become the best of friends in recent weeks. They taught me how to make smoke rings with cigarettes before I decided to cut those off, and they teased me nonstop about everything I did. Especially blushing, _oh_ how they loved that.

Rosalie and Alice were sophomores in college, both passionate about the careers they were building up to. It hadn't occurred to me that either Jasper or Emmett would be dating anyone, it never came up, but in the time I'd spent with them I learned a lot about each character as a person.

Emmett was going on staying back in his second year of senior year, and he managed to flunk junior, too. They both were supposed to be in college, and even though their work ethic was… questionable, I could see why they were serious about graduating now.

Rosalie and Alice had this weekend free from classes, so in a group decision (concerning only the boy's votes) I was getting set up to meet them.

I think they felt bad that I hadn't had a good female friend since Angela Weber in eighth grade.

"God, calm down, Bella. It's really not that big of a deal, Rosalie will be stingy at first, she's got a mean exterior and I apologize in advance for that." He rolled his eyes. "Alice is a bit… peppy, but don't worry about anything. I'll be there to mediate; I won't leave you high and dry."

"Uh-huh," I mumbled, looking out through the car window, leaning my head against the cool glass.

Ten minutes later we passed a large sign standing on the grass with "Seattle University" in proud font painted on with glittering gold. I breathed in deeply and let out a nervous humming noise, my voice cracking in the middle.

Edward's hand reached across the console of his car and he grabbed onto mine, running the pad of his thumb over my knuckles. I was instantly calmed and I slumped into my seat, pulling his hand onto my lap.

Edward drove through the winding little roads that led to separate parking complexes. I watched the kids on the grass completely ignoring the light drizzle and throwing a Frisbee back and forth while enjoying the few rays of light peaking through the clouds.

My eyes darted around, trying to focus on anything just to take my mind off of the reason we were here.

I was no good at meeting new people; I was terrified of people in general.

The door popped open and before I spilled out of the car, Edward's hands were under my shoulders and he pulled me up, my feet dangling off the ground. I pushed at his shoulders and he grinned, laying a wet kiss on my cheek and ignoring my useless—halfhearted—fighting back.

"Alright, alright, Lover Boy! Let's get this over with." I sighed, and wrapped my arms around his neck briefly before he put me back on my feet.

I grabbed onto his hand and started to tote him away from the car, not knowing where I was going, but waiting for him to take the lead like I knew he would.

Without a word he turned me around and we started walking the opposite way across the campus. Edward grinned and we went around the kids playing Frisbee and some other's on the stone railing winding around a large water fountain with guitars.

After five minutes of walking, a large brick building came into sight and my heart started to speed up in my chest, thumping at my ribs and pounding out in my stomach.

I pushed Edward up against the side of the building before we got to the stairwell.

"Can we just go home?" I asked, pressing my body flush against his.

"No way, I didn't drive all this way just so you could chicken out at the last minute." He rolled his eyes, but his hands went to my hips. "Besides, you need to meet new people."

"I think we should reacquaint _ourselves_." I murmured against his neck, my tongue snaking out to lick his collarbone.

"Bella," he mumbled. "I think we already did that this morning… twice."

"Third time's the charm," I pushed my hips into his and he pulled me around, my hands pinned to the wall and he was standing in front of me.

"Bella, Bella, Bella," he shook his head. "We'll most certainly get to the third charm… after you meet Alice and Rosalie."

I groaned loudly and he laughed at me before walking to the stairwell. I grumbled for a minute and then I stalked off after him. When did he get self-control?

By the time I caught up with Edward he was already on the fifth flight and not even phased by it.

"W—Wait a minute," I gasped.

"I think you need to go to gym." He pursed his lips.

I looked up to glare at him and he chuckled, starting to walk up another step.

"Don't you _dare_." I hissed.

"Stop stalling,"

"I'm not!" I huffed, and then I walked past him and started another excruciating trip up the stairs.

By the time we made it to the ninth floor I was panting and leaning up against a wall. Edward was waiting for me to stop being so "over dramatic" and just move on and get it over with.

When my breathing was somewhat under control I started to fidget again, checking my shoes to see if they were tied, making sure my shirt was straight and had no wrinkles. Edward watched in silence, rolling his eyes periodically.

"You are a mess, Bella Swan," he chuckled.

"Shut up and knock on the door," I grumbled.

He pounded his fist against the door four times, making the bang echo through the hallway and I cringed to myself before straightening my posture.

I heard noises from inside the dormitory and then someone yelling "what the fuck is he thinking?" before a lock snapped and the door was flung open.

My eyes snapped wide and my jaw went slack at the sight before Me. So _this_ was Rosalie Hale.

She had the most beautiful hair I'd ever seen, it looked so soft and shiny and hit just above her waist. Her hands were on her hips, showing the neat acrylic nails that dug into the tight denim there. Her legs were long and lean and her calf muscles were to die for.

I shrank back and shoved my shaking hands into my back pockets.

Her crystal blue eyes were narrowed and glaring and even with the look of pure rage across her face, there wasn't one wrinkle, line, or out of place grain of makeup.

"How many times have I told you not to fucking bang on this door?" She yelled at Edward. "You're like a toddler!"

She turned around and stormed into the room, her hair swishing and hitting his chest while she made her way to the couch sitting in the middle of the room.

Edward snorted and his shoulders shook with silent laughter before he grabbed my hand and dragged me into the dorm. He threw his jacket onto the back of a chair and walked into the small centre of the room.

Instead of splitting the room into two different sections for each girl, everything was adjoining, two beds were on opposite sides of the room, but there was a couch and big recliner in the middle facing a TV against the back wall.

I saw Emmett's head over the back of the couch and Rosalie's head by his shoulder. They were all watching some reality show, each one engrossed in what was going on.

Edward pulled me toward where everyone was gathered and cleared his throat before sitting down in the recliner.

I looked at him incredulously and he rolled his eyes again. God this was already turning into a disaster. He gave me a look that said 'just sit on my lap, dummy'.

"Rosalie, you're so rude,"

I turned my head to the left and saw a short girl with black hair pulled into pigtails stand up from the couch, stretching her arms over her head and patting Jasper's head once and stepped over Emmett's legs that were propped against the coffee table.

She was tiny, probably two heads shorted than me, and very slender. Her hair was cut short, but she slicked back into a stylish, yet youthful look. Her large black eyes looked up at me and she smiled warmly.

She glanced at Edward and grinned. "Well?"

"Listen up," Edward said, his voice overpowering the voices on the TV. "Bella, this is Rosalie," he pointed to her on the couch, "and this is Alice. Alice, Rosalie, this is my girlfriend, Bella Swan."

A shiver rocked down my spine and I flushed.

I just couldn't get used to the tingles that introduction makes me feel.

Alice stuck her hand out right beneath my chest and I grabbed onto her hand a bit hesitantly. If she noticed my slight movement, she didn't give anything away as she pulled me forward into a hug. Her warm little arms wrapped around my waist and just as quickly as I was pulled she pulled back and grabbed a purse from the table.

"'Kay, we'll be back around four." She said, tugging Rosalie up from the couch.

"Wait, what?" Edward and I asked at the same time.

Rosalie shrugged on a thin jacket and grabbed a set of keys on the table. "Lunch," she spat at Edward and walked to the door, standing impatiently.

"Girls day out," Alice cocked her head to the side. "Didn't Jasper and Emmett tell you?"

Edward's head snapped to the couch where both boys had their eyes glued on the screen watching a half naked woman do a split for some C list celebrity.

Alice walked to the door, smiling at me a little on her way to an impatient Rosalie who was looking at the paint on door. I looked down at Edward frantically and he pursed his lips.

"Just go," he murmured. When my horrified and shocked expression overpowered my face he tugged on my hair until his lips touched my ear. "Go, be good, and you'll get something _nice_ when you come back." His tongue snaked out and I felt my earlobe between teeth and I shivered.

He pulled back, kissed my lips, then pushed me off with a smack on my ass.

I was flushed and stumbled over my feet a few times when I finally made it to the door where Alice and Rosalie were standing.

"_Try_ not to break anything, please. And tell me who gets eliminated when we come back." Alice said, leading the way and Rosalie following behind me.

"The paint chipped," Rosalie hissed.

Alice rolled her eyes. "We still have some from the last time."

They didn't say another word as we descended the stairs and made our way out onto the campus. They both waved to people they knew, stopping for a second for idle chat.

The butterflies in my stomach wouldn't let up all throughout the walk, or the drive to the little café down the road. I fidgeted and played with my hands, trying not to swallow too loudly or too often. In my nervousness I thought their senses to observe my inane behaviour had multiplied and they were each silently judging me.

I needed to meet new people more often. This was ridiculous.

Ten minutes later we were all walking into the café, Rosalie leading us to a table in the back, blatantly ignoring our waiter's flirting and rounding up our drink orders.

Alice finally spoke, her fingers playing with a butter packet and using the knife to smear it onto a plain piece of bread. "So, Bella, you're dating Edward now?"

"Yes," I answered, my hands wringing in my lap.

"That's good," she nodded, smiling to herself. "I don't think he's ever had a girlfriend."

"No way," I murmured more to myself. We'd never discussed that before, it just never seemed to enter my mind to ask about who he slept with or dated. I couldn't care about the past with him as my future.

"You didn't know that?" Rosalie asked. Her eyebrows pushed down a bit, looking at me like I was an idiot.

Stingy? Had Edward used that word? Oh no, she was intimidating and scary and a lioness who didn't seem to like me.

"Um… we, I mean, it just, it's something that never came up." I mumbled.

"How long have you been dating Edward?" Alice asked.

"Almost three weeks,"

"That's _it_? Rosalie giggled and then snapped her mouth closed.

"Yeah…"

"I think it's cute," Alice grinned. "You were friends with him before that, though, right?"

"Yeah, we've been friends for a long time, a couple years."

"How come we've never heard of you? Emmett would have said something to me but he only told me about you a month ago." Rosalie piqued while stirring her coffee and raising one perfect eyebrow.

"I didn't really know Emmett—or Jasper—until right when he told you. I met them at a party."

"Where Edward got beat up?" Alice interjected.

"Uh-huh,"

"Are you fucking him?"

Alice and I snapped our heads to Rosalie whose head turned slowly to the waiter who was standing with menus in his hand, red faced, but I'm sure nothing compared to me—even Alice.

The waiter set the menus on the table and turned away quickly, deterred from any interaction he was hoping to make.

"Rosalie!" Alice threw her napkin at her.

"Oh my God, we were both thinking it!" She sighed and rolled her eyes. "Enough bullshit, you had a boyfriend as of recently?"

"Well, y—yeah, Edward—"

"No, someone else beside Edward?" Her eyebrows went down in a defensive glare, something I'd seen on Emmett before.

Oh!

They were just as defensive of Edward as Jasper and Emmett. Alice was the quiet one, the calming one, and Rosalie was the accusatory-down-to-business-hot-headed one.

"Yeah," I mumbled.

"I told you he wasn't lying," Rosalie sang in a teasing voice to Alice.

"It doesn't matter," Alice retorted, throwing my napkin at her. "It's _completely_ obvious Edward's head over heels."

"Psh. Edward's an idiot." Rosalie waved her hand dismissively while picking up a menu.

"_Anyway_, Bella why don't you tell us about yourself?"

"Oh, me? There's not much to tell, I'm really into the English language, and I'm hoping to go to school for it once I'm out of high school." I thought for a minute. "Um… my parents are divorced and I'm living with my dad—he's a cop. And that's really about it."

"You sound well-rounded," Alice said more to herself.

"Hmm," Rosalie hummed.

_This isn't going well_, I thought. _I need to at least win over Rosalie before I get to know either of them._

"So I hear that you're into mechanics, Rosalie." Her head popped up and she stopped smudging her eyeliner in the reflection of the window.

"Yeah…"

_You've got her attention go for the kill! _"I was just wondering if you had any advice on changing gas tanks on vintage cars."

"What kind of vintage car?" She asked, her eyes getting wider in interest.

"Fifty eight Chevy truck,"

"No fuckin' way," she glanced at Alice quickly and then turned back to m. "Do you have that car?"

"Yeah,"

She grinned slowly. "I can change the gas tank for free!"

"Really?"

"Yeah! If you let me borrow it next weekend for my auto-body exam I can change the gas tank _and_ the oil."

She started babbling about different measurements and cylinders and gages, and even though I didn't clue in hell about what any of it meant I nodded, smiled, asked questions and paid interest in it.

Not only that, but once the waiter came by asking for our orders and we both said "Ravioli mushroom special," at the same time we got into a discussion about mushrooms and tried to convince Alice that not all are poisonous.

I spoke with Alice, asking her about dance and where her passion for it started. She always wanted to be on Broadway, but she had bad hips and couldn't perform as well as she should be able to. When I told her I had no balance and couldn't walk on a flat surface she told me that balance is something that could be worked at and improved upon. She offered me to come for one of her classes she was teaching next weekend since Rosalie would have my car.

And that's how I made two new friends in less than three hours.

By the time six o'clock hit we were all laughing over Rosalie's interpretation of Emmett. The cold exterior shielded the warm, kind inside that was Rosalie Hale. She looked girlie, but in reality she was a tomboy, she had scars along her knees from playing football and soccer and just about everything else.

The ride back to their dorm we made plans for a spa day on Sunday when Rosalie got out of class. They tried to explain to me the incredible feeling of an exfoliation and the amazing things it did to pores and told me that I desperately need a manicure.

The trek back up the stairs was pure hell, and Alice told me she used to stop halfway and have to refigure her way up. Rosalie called us pussies in a blunt way and laughed while we hauled ourselves up.

When we were all in Rosalie and Alice's dorm I didn't want to say goodbye. Edward was grinning triumphantly, tugging on my arm when Alice suggested I sleepover, telling her that I was his for the rest of the night and smirking in that playful way.

"You enjoyed yourself," he sang while we walked back down the stairs.

"Yes, yes I did," I held my head up indignantly.

"I told you so," he murmured.

I rolled my eyes, but I grabbed onto his hand and pushed my body into his side while we walked to the car.

We were getting better at this, day by and step and step by step we were coming closer and trampling over every obstacle in our way.

All the stuff that interfered in our lives before was blown away by the present.

The now.

And the future.

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**A/N: Hope you enjoyed!**

**This is the official completed end. :( I'm gonna be crying all day long now.**

**Thank you for reading my story. I hope you liked reading it as much I enjoyed writing it. :)**

**Don't forget to review!**


	17. Chapter 17

**A/N: Did you think this was done, that you got rid of me? So did I.**

**A couple weeks ago the Fandom Gives Back Author Auction took place and happymoon35 bid for a one-shot. She was kind enough to ask for an outtake of her choice from Memento Mori.**

**This takes place before Memento Mori begins, a couple months after Edward and Bella get together for the first time. Hopefully New Moon will soften the Jacob blow.**

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"How can you… how can you even _like_ that guy, Bella? He's a complete douche bag, a narcissistic piece of shit that demeans everyone he comes across—"

Blah, blah, blah.

"—I mean of all the people in the world, of every other person you could have said yes to—which I don't understand, by the way, why you would—why him? Bella? Bella, are you even fucking listening to me?"

"You know for someone who doesn't talk much you sure won't shut up," I sighed.

Edward remained quiet, only the tempered sounds of his breathing rang through the phone line. He'd been at peace with my decision for four days now. So when he called me around noon I was ecstatic to talk with him. It wasn't all that often he called for leisure.

Oh, how wrong I was.

"I hate him," he growled.

I stretched my limbs out on my purple comforter. I hated it, and there were stains from _unmentionable things_ covering most of it. Some of it was soda and the other half was spunk.

"Hey, you should get me a new bed set," I said distractedly.

He groaned. "Get your own damn bed set. Back to the topic at hand, why the hell would you agree to go out with Jacob Black?"

I heard the distinct sound of flint, click, suck. Edward was a lucky guy, smoking whenever he wanted to. I, on the other hand, wouldn't dare to smoke at home. Charlie would lynch me if he thought for even a moment that I'd tasted the seed of the devil.

My cheeks filled with laughter and hissed out shakily.

"Oh, fuck, are you crying?" Edward asked in alarm.

"Edward, I think you should know that I deserve more than booty calls." He grunted. "We've been doing this for months now."

He laughed humorlessly. "I miss the days when you were shy."

"Yeah, well, that's old Bella. New Bella doesn't mind having a cock in her mouth or blindfold—"

"Can we not talk about the blindfold? I'd rather not think about it unless you'd like to come over for a repeat. Carlisle and Esme are out with friends…."

I rolled onto my stomach and picked up the letter Jacob had written and stuck to my locker after our first date. His writing was almost as bad as Edward's. I read it over again, eyebrow hitching at certain places.

"The point of being in a relationship is to _not_ cheat," I said, folding up the letter and tossing it into the garbage pail.

He sounded disgusted saying, "You're really declaring your relationship status with this guy?"

"Mmhmm."

"Fuck, Bella," he sighed. "Alright, whatever, guess that means I'm free."

Whoa. What?

"Excuse me?" I snapped. "You don't have to stay with me. You could have walked away just like you did when you took my virginity in that field."

Again with the emotionless, humorless laugh. "Whatever. Have fun with this guy. Hold your head up."

He hung up the phone, nothing but the disconnecting tone sending me off. I knew he wouldn't be happy, but he didn't have to be a jerk about it.

Did Edward expect me to have sex with him for the rest of my life and not try to get more? What we were doing wasn't Friends with Benefits, not even close. I wasn't even sure we could be considered friends.

I picked up Jacob's note again. He wanted to go out for dinner again tonight. Maybe his feelings were stung since I didn't kiss him on the first date or something. After his casual declaration of helping me get into Dartmouth I really didn't care what I had to do in order to get teachers on my side. Jacob took some honor classes with me, he would be able to get the best and brightest on my side, my reputation would go up. Easy peasy, lemon squeezy.

I picked up my cell phone that had rolled beneath me but it vibrated at my hip as my fingers wound around it. Ooh that felt nice.

Jacob's name flashed across the screen. I pursed my lips but picked it up anyway. "Hey, I was just thinking about you."

"Oh, I was, too," his voice held a grin in it. I couldn't help but smile back. "Have you thought about tonight?"

"Yeah, I think it would be a great idea. Pick me up at seven?"

"Of course!"

--

Charlie shot me an amused smile every time I turned around. He was thoroughly pleased with my blossoming relationship with Jacob, had even gone so far as to explaining to me the boundaries of love and how not to go about them the wrong way. I didn't think I could fall in love with Jacob, but I kept my mouth closed. Anything was possible and I was willing to let what would come as it may.

I got my second nicest dress out, the emerald green one with the bodice that made my chest look a bit bigger than it was. I wasn't going to wear a white dress, not after last time. I'd managed to pour tartar sauce all over my skirt and had to sit through the rest of the night with a red face, trying not to drip it all over Jacob's car.

He'd been nice enough with helping me clean myself up, smiling and telling me it didn't matter. He'd even called me beautiful. I didn't believe of word of it, convincing myself that it was all for the sake of getting under my skirt. I realized that night how messed up my sense of gratitude was.

His consideration helped to prompt me into the decision of going out with him again. Jacob had hounded me for months, before Edward and I had… gotten together. I never thought of him as anything special. He was nice, thoughtful, made me laugh, but wasn't exactly my type of guy. The muscle were nice, don't get me wrong, but I liked someone who could take risks, not live by the books.

The house phone rang and Charlie swung his arm up to grab it. His face split into a grin. "Yeah, she's ready. Alright, see ya Jake."

"Around the corner?" I asked.

"Yeah, have a good night, kid." He nodded his head, that fatherly warning glinting in his eyes.

As I left the house Jacob rolled in with his pieced together car. It looked like a monstrosity but the thing ran pretty well. I noticed with trepidation that the backseat had been taken out; instead of car seats the floor had been padded. Maybe my gratitude wasn't tainted.

"Hey, sorry I'm late," he said as he stepped out of the car. He had a nice white button up shirt with short sleeves, kind of dorky, but I liked it. "You look really nice."

I found myself smiling. "You, too."

I clambered into his small car, knocking my head against the disproportionate roof and then feeling like an idiot when Jake's six-foot-plus body moved with ease. Of course he would have been used to it by now; he'd had the car since he was twelve.

The car ride to Port Angeles was long and awkward. No amount of childhood friendship and reminiscing about Tonka trucks could make this easier. We were going on a date. Weird as it was, I wasn't this nervous on our first one, in all honesty I just wanted to get it out of the way.

I read about dating etiquette online before Edward called and took down my mood. The first date was an icebreaker, something to find mutual interests and common goals. It was supposed to be the peaceful one, the catalyst for the rest of a relationship. Second date was the kissing one. I could practically see Jake's giddiness; maybe he read the same article or knew from experience.

I was nervous about the future after this date. There was no way in hell I'd give _it_ up easily. If Jake expected me to spread my legs he'd have another thing coming. But my future career and life goals were more important than keeping my chastity. If this did decide to become a high school sweethearts kind of deal I'd need to… do that at some point.

Jacob tried to instill small talk that I grudgingly went along with. He told me about his coach and how he had been put on a pedestal. After his bragging about football, trying to drag me into it with questions about my favorite professional team, we arrived at a small restaurant on the outskirts of Port Angeles.

It was a Mexican place, a mariachi band was outside, smiling and singing but there was unhappiness in their eyes. I looked at Jake and saw the universal sign. I was doing the right thing. Someday that could be me. I shuddered.

"Every time I come here with the guys after practice I swear I'm the happiest person in the world. You need to try their nachos—tacos here with the hard shells, oh, Bells—" I cringed "—so amazing."

"Yeah, definitely," I mumbled and sat across from him in a booth. Wait, was I supposed to sit next to him? What was protocol when dining out at a restaurant on a date?

Jacob ordered his food, deciding to start me off with nachos. I said nothing, listening as he spoke and trying not to over think everything I did and said.

"You look sick," he said with a mouth full of tortilla chips.

"Huh? Oh, no, just nervous." I waved my hand. "Not used to this, so, sorry about my lack of participation." I smiled shyly, feeling like a child.

He smiled back, his fingers grazing mine on the tabletop. "No, it's alright. You can be nervous."

I nodded and went back to my nachos, waiting for the taco to come. I wasn't impressed with the cheap meat and melting, messy cheese. The light above us was making a humming that would transition into a screeching noise. Trying to read the menu for a drink and having a dim, flickering light above me would ensure that I'd go cross eyed.

The night wasn't too bad. I imagined a thousand different scenarios in my head of drinks being knocked over, waitresses flirting with him, me finding him in the bathroom with the short middle aged bar woman, but it was normal. I was almost sad that our dinner had been so uneventful. Jacob was a big guy who liked to goof off, that should have given him a beacon of danger serrated on his chest like a Bat Man symbol.

We drove home with full bellies, talking about the food we'd eaten, the service. Jacob made jokes, tame ones that I forced a laugh at. That was a sign of interest right? Laughing at dumb jokes?

By the time I got home Charlie had the porch lights on and the houselights off. Jacob walked me to the door, like I'd die on the six steps it took me to get in. I was uneasy as he leaned over me after I got my keys out and unlocked the old bronze padlock.

When I turned around, hands dangling at my sides and my mouth opening and closing like a fish, he leaned down smacked a kiss right on my open mouth.

I didn't get the chance to close it and I tried to kiss back but my teeth ended up biting into his skin. He winced and reared back, trying for a different angle but this time his mouth ended up eating my bottom lip. His breath was so spicy it made my eyes water. Don't guys carry breath mints as a rule to live by?

Jacob stepped back, looking at me while I tried not to grimace. Our hands were at our sides, dangling limply. Why move them when they were fine where they lay?

"I-I'll see you tomorrow," he stuttered, goofy grin on his face.

--

After our awkward lip bump—that's all it was—on the porch, Jacob called me everyday for a week. He would talk about anything that came to mind, pouring over his homework distractedly and trying to subtly ask me out again. We weren't on the boyfriend-girlfriend express train yet, I still felt too strange to acknowledge his attempts at defining us.

I wasn't the kind of girl who dated. I enjoyed spending time with people, not so much in the past couple of months, but in general I liked to talk. I wanted philosophical conversations where I could stand up and point my finger at someone exclaiming, "You, sir, are wrong" and walk away in victory.

But with Jacob I was on my best behavior.

I listened to him, nodded, and sometimes when I zoned he'd bring up, ever so subtly, something about Dartmouth. My love for that school overshadowed the mundane conversations we put together. How did couples do this?

It wasn't that I didn't like Jacob, I did. We had been friends since we were kids. We used to play in the dirt, make mud pies. I would convince him to eat it, often he'd decline and I'd cry, making him feel guilty and then I would snicker afterward. Now it was like I was doing my best to keep, as Edward had prompted, my head up.

And onto Edward. There was nothing to say. After the afternoon he'd called we hadn't spoken again. The creep.

"Bella? You there?"

I snapped back to reality, frowning at the piece of plastic in my hand. I realized quickly that I was still on the phone with Jake and that he had been talking a mile a minute. I needed to start listening more and zone out less.

"Yeah, I'm here. What did you say about Mike Newton?" I asked, rolling onto my back. The ceiling had spit wads and toilet paper stuck to the white paint. The toilet paper was a science experiment gone wrong and the wads were from Edward.

I missed his bored body in my bed, recovering from an orgasm. I would have almost taken him here with me, throwing books on my floor and telling me what was wrong with them over Jake trying to coerce me to go _anywhere_ that Mike Newton was.

"Parents are gone. Older brother is in charge. Big party," he chuckled. "You in?"

"I don't know, Jake. I have a lot of homework and I'm so tired." I yawned for emphasis. Hell if that affected his argument.

"Bells, this is our opportunity to make things public." My throat clenched up. "An hour or two, that's all I'm asking. I'll bring you back home right after."

There was something unsaid dangling off his tongue. His tone was a bit harsh, harsher than I'd heard in a while, not since I'd decided to rock climb without a harness in La Push. I pulled my princess purple comforter over my head and chipped at a stain with my fingernail.

"Fine," I mumbled.

I could head his grin before he even spoke. Lips parting and teeth glimmering, perfectly aligned with the help from braces. "Thank you."

He hung up, something else unsaid on his lips, but I was much more eager for it to not come out. He was rushing things already, afraid that I might slip through the cracks of his fingers if he held them out for rainwater. It rained a lot in Forks; maybe I'd be so lucky.

--

I convinced myself easily that I'd never be caught at house party again. The lawn was a mess. Who lets a few dozen kids walk across a muddy lawn? Mike's parents would be paying a fortune in landscapers when they got back.

Red plastic cups were everywhere, inside outside, on the roof, in trees. There were girls half dressed and I felt instantly out of place with my thick parka and rain boots. It was sixty degrees, how could anyone afford to have a skirt?

Jake greeted some of his friends who were on the porch, sitting on an old couch that was meant for the dump. Springs were coming out of the side. I steered clear of it in case I'd have an 'accident' and end up in the hospital.

My hand was tucked securely inside Jake's. He walked us over with a proud grin, mine was wide, uneasy, but I made it work—I hoped. I was greeted with tight lipped grins and handshakes. While Jake spoke with them I managed to ease my sweaty palm from his and shove my hands into my pockets. My nose was red and raw within twenty minutes and I excused myself to get a drink.

The inside of the Newton's household was destroyed. The chandelier hanging over the small living room had toilet paper and underwear hanging from it and spilled alcohol covered most of the floor. I pushed away any offers for beer, not wanting to become one of these slobs and claiming to have lost my panties on the lighting fixtures.

Setting on a goal, I decided to find the bathroom. That would prove to be an adventure all its own. Every college party scene had a kid looking for the bathroom and getting into all kinds of shenanigans.

There were couples littering the walls, upholstery and floors making out. If they didn't have clothes on the population of Forks would have had a baby boom in nine months.

I went upstairs, surprised to find that the chaos from downstairs hadn't been mirrored up here.

Most of the doors were locked, some with 'Keep Out' paper signs hanging from doorknobs. One had a sock on it and I grimaced. Disgusting.

In all honesty I was a bit jealous. I'd gone from sex every other day to keeping my distance from a boy that I was pretty sure was aiming to get at first base again. Edward and I went from first to home in fifteen minutes.

The walls were a textured off white color. Evenly spaced frames hung on the wall, towards the front of the stairs pictures of Mike and his older brother in school portraits greeted the visitor, but further down were riotous religious and mythology pictures.

Venus stood, arm extended and pointed me to the stairs. I eyed the picture, half tempted to take it with me. It would look pretty on the wall next to my window.

I left it there, though. I wasn't so sure I should steal with all the biblical figures looking out at me.

A sad Jesus caught my eye, looking up at me with puppy dog eyes, making me feel shameful. All my sins bubbled up under the surface and I backed away.

It—it was just a picture. There weren't even that many scientific findings to prove that Jesus had been alive. But those eyes looked into my soul and I shrieked, scratching at a door until in banged open.

And, well, Jesus Christ.

Edward standing up, leaning against a dresser, head tilted toward the ceiling and a long necked bottle in his hand. At the loud bang the bottle dropped onto some girl's head.

"Fuck!" she yelled. "What was that?"

Edward looked over, dead eyes fixed on my face. Those flat green eyes were worse than the girl from my astronomy class on her knees, chin dripping with pre cum. She looked over, cheeks blushing and quickly pulled her bra up and shirt down.

"It's not what—" she swallowed. "Please, Bella…."

I held up my hands in peace, she looked at Edward who hadn't moved, just stared around the room blankly, and ran like a gun had been held to her head. She had a gun to her head, loaded and ready it appeared.

When she was gone it was just Edward leaning the dresser, and me in the doorway. My stomach dropped out.

"So what?" I barked shakily. "I agree to go out with Jacob and you get head?"

He swiped a hand through his hair. "I was almost done."

I flushed, looking down to his erection that was at half mast. "Liar."

"Go back to Jacob, Bella. You're annoying me." His eyes slipped closed and he made no move to close his fly. "Unless you'd like to finish for me."

My shoulders shook in anger. "Whatever."

I turned around, catching that girl coming from the bathroom. She looked much more put together. Upon seeing me she blushed and looked at the floor, eyes darting back to the room where Edward still was. My blood heated.

"He went home," I snapped.

She looked defeated; shoulders slumped and marched down the stairs. I went into the bathroom, slumping against the wall.

No fair.

I understood why he said he was a free man now. He didn't have to stay with me anymore; he could have any girl he wanted, anytime he wanted. Those girls didn't have cop fathers and curfews.

If he could move on so easily then I could, too. No matter ho much I craved the sense of familiarity that his touch gave me I wouldn't reduce myself to one of those cheating girls. I had higher standards than _that_.

I threw the door open, not looking where I was positive Edward still was and walked outside of the pheromone infested house. Jake was on the porch, laughing with friends. He was cute, perfectly desirable to any girl my age.

"Jake," I called. He turned, smile widening.

I grabbed him by the collar and kissed him full on the mouth. Everyone on the porch stopped to stare at us but I closed my eyes tightly and refused to let awkwardness consume us.

There were no sparks, no fireworks, no muscle melting, leg crossing feelings. It was just a kiss and his hands gripped my waist, pulling me to him. Then it was over.

Some people wolf whistled; others looked away, grimaces on their lips. Jake looked beyond pleased, goofy grin lighting up his charming features. He was a good guy, but that kiss wasn't near what I'd expected those pillowy lips to deliver.

What… what had I just done?

I solidified everything; there was no turning back and delaying a relationship between us. It was like signing a contract with everyone in school as a witness. Everyone including Edward.

He was peering at me from the open doorway, and Jake tensed. Edward rolled his shoulders, taking a drink from a girl with short blonde hair, freckles running across the bridge of her nose. She smiled up at him demurely. She was cute, too cute to resist and he didn't even bother.

She leaned up on her toes for a kiss, and without removing his eyes from me, laid a big wet one right on her lips.

I tugged on Jake's shoulder. "I want to go home."

He didn't argue, in fact he seemed too pleased to have me alone. And when we got home he mimicked my kiss on the porch at the Newton's home. This time there was slobbering involved.

--

four months….

I had gone four months without sex. Jake was pushing for it, we'd gotten into heavy kissing and groping—on his part. The boy was constantly hard, and I was flattered, but I felt so pressured.

And Edward—Goddamn Edward—had a million girls around him all the time. At school, out on the town, they were pawing at him constantly. He would pay them attention, feel them up in public, let them suck on his skin and then look at me with a hint of disgust when I'd stop to stare.

Four months ago we'd have been all over each other for make-up-sex, but now… now I was pissed off and beyond horny. And Jake was pushing me.

It was a Wednesday, the two of us were sitting on his dad's old burgundy and green couch with yellow Persian tassels on the sleeves. His arm was around my shoulder and we were watching a romantic comedy. The two main characters were kissing and backtracking to the bedroom. The lead actress took off her shirt, perfectly round breasts all that were visible in the realm of nudity.

Jake shifted beside me and I realized he now faced me. I turned cautiously.

"Bella," he murmured, hands picking up mine. "I know that we've only been dating for a couple months, but I—I really like you. And, well, I think that maybe—maybe…" He rubbed the back of his neck. "Hey, listen, I think I love you, and we should take this further, you know."

Quite possibly the worst line ever to tell someone you love them and hop into bed at the same time.

"Um," I mumbled. "I think I, uh, love you, too. And, I mean, sex is… um—"

"I know you're a virgin," he said quickly and I flushed. Oh boy. "I'll be gentle, I've asked people about how to do it—"

"You asked your _friends_ how to deflower me?" I asked in shock and embarrassment.

The hand rubbing his neck went around to the front, leaving a trail of red skin in its wake. "And Coach Clapp."

"Oh my God," I mumbled, hiding my face in my hands.

"It's a legitimate thing to know, Bella. I don't want to hurt you or anything."

"Just… don't worry about that. I'll be fine."

He blanched. "Right here?"

I shrugged. "Why not?"

His face split into the widest grin I had seen and he tackled me onto my back. His long legs pinned me beneath him. His lips were everywhere and I stared at the ceiling. I was kind of excited. My dry spell would end; I'd be over Edward's body and forget all about his stupid ability to make me have wonderful orgasms.

"I love you," he mumbled against my skin, pulling my shirt over my head.

I moaned instead of repeating his words. He seemed just as pleased with that response.

I couldn't help but comparing Jacob to Edward. Jacob delivered no foreplay, he sucked on my nipples, thoroughly entranced by the way they hardened. Edward would have gone slower, gotten me naked before doing anything.

I stopped thinking, feeling completely guilty for comparing this poor, innocent boy to someone else. I was the worst kind of monster.

Jake's fingers unbuttoned my jeans and shoved them down my legs. I closed my eyes and began panting. I wouldn't hurt his feelings by lying here unresponsively. I'd make him feel good.

It was slow after our clothing was removed. The dim light had set and it was nearly black in the room. It was easier not to be ashamed of myself when I couldn't see him. He kissed me long and slow, and his hands pressed to my thighs, separating them. The cool air made me moan in earnest, arching up into him.

"Bella," he groaned. "Can I…?"

"Yeah, yes, Jake," I whimpered.

He had trouble finding where to enter. I was pretty sure he wasn't a virgin. He'd dated Leah Clearwater for a few months in eighth grade. She bragged about how good in bed he was, sighing over his body in the locker room.

Finally I felt the tip of dick at my clit, rubbing. Oh God, it was so good. My fingers had been weak compared to the touch of a man. He pushed in slowly, thinking I was a virgin. Unprepared, I clenched my thighs together, trying my damndest to seem like I was tight and in pain.

"Ow," I mumbled.

He gasped. "Oh, I'm sorry, Bella… God it feels good."

He was half way in before I decided to stop. I let my muscles relax, take him in. And when I sighed he began to move. In all honesty, going for so long without sex made it a bit painful. Jake wasn't gentle like he'd promised. The way he thrust into me and the awkward position I was propped in on the couch wasn't helping.

Why was I doing this? Why the hell did I agree to go out with Jake and have sex with him? On a couch at that?

Was it really worth it all just because Edward had moved on? So what if he got a blowjob from some girl, so what if he had sex with all kinds of girls now? He probably did that before we'd even met.

Jake finished and while I freaked out I realized he'd put on a condom. I breathed out a sigh of relief. It was completely stupid of me to be so unfocused on something that was so important.

It had ended quickly, a couple thrusts in and out, bruises were forming on my hips from where his stomach kept hitting and I wasn't ready to pick up his offer when he asked if I wanted him to let me finish. For the first time in my life I felt completely regretful at having sex.

--

I dialed the seven digit number for the fourth time, getting the voicemail message again.

"I know you're there. Please pick up, please, please, please. I really need to talk to you. I'm going to your house, and I'm not leaving until you talk to—"

"What, Bella?"

I sighed, it was nice to hear his voice, angry and yet emotionless. I sat beside my bed and played with dust bunnies. They swirled around my pencil's eraser and I picked them up, depositing their little bodies into my garbage pail.

"Edward, I really need you," I said, tears slipping down my cheeks.

He sighed. "Come on over."

The line went dead.

Ten minutes later I was driving faster than I ever had. I nearly missed the turn off for Edward's house and pulled up to the dirt yard. The tire swing was moving against an old, massive tree and I longed to stand next to the dirty shingles of his house.

I ran to the door, knocking eagerly. It creaked open, Edward stood there, stock still. I could feel the tears bubbling up, my chin quivered. He ushered me in, walking upstairs into his shoebox room. I fell onto his bed and he sat in his desk chair.

Pulling out a cigarette he lit it up, eyes telling me to explain my sudden appearance.

I sucked up the mucus in my nose. "You should pick up your phone, it's not nice to ignore me like that."

"You wouldn't cry over that," he said.

"I made a mistake," I blubbered.

His eyes closed and he inhaled a drag from his cigarette, holding it in his mouth. Some came out from his nose, some from the side of his mouth. I got up, grabbed his pack and pulled one out with shaky fingers. He knocked it from my hand.

"You slept with him?" he asked, eyes cold and hard but surprisingly not judgmental.

I gaped at him. "You… you knew—"

He exhaled. "Of course I did." Another drag from his cigarette. "He's predictable, a dumbass. And I know how you work, Bella. How'd abstinence work for you?"

"How'd fucking a million girls work out for you?" I snapped.

He raised an incredulous eyebrow at me. "I asked you first."

I took his cigarette, smashed it into the pottery bowl he used for an ash tray and straddle his lap. I kissed him flat on the mouth and my muscles melted indefinitely. His fingers tore off my shirt and he swiped the contents of his desk to the floor, my back slamming into the carved wood.

My legs parted and he stepped into them, shirt going over his head. The rusty chain he used as a belt rattled as he unclipped the two sides. His pants fell down without its support and he didn't have any boxers on. He knew… the bastard knew everything.

"One last chance," he murmured, fingers rubbing the top of my panties. He pushed the center over until it touched my thigh. He leaned down, licked his lips, then my clit.

I sucked in a shuddering breath. "I don't care about monogamy," I nearly yelled.

He grinned. "The asshole deserves this," he muttered so low I barely heard, but his fingers entered me. "He can have you in name, but nothing else."

"Stop talking," I whimpered.

He did just that, his lips and tongue on me, sucking my clit, pumping in and out. My foot rested on his shoulder, the other spread, finding purchase in the air of his room. It was stale vanilla air freshener and grapes.

My hips moved in time with his tongue, knowing the rhythm like I knew the back of my hand. I smiled, honest to goodness smiled as pleasure struck through my very soul, cumming on his face without warning. It was so beautiful, so amazing that I let my legs fall further apart for him.

He stood naked between my legs, picked me and dropped me on his bed. I sat up, ready to reciprocate oral, but he pushed me on my back.

"Later," he said, hands on either side of my face.

He pushed in roughly, not pausing for an imaginary hymen. He'd already taken that out. I scraped my fingernails down his chest, mouth gaping wide, eyelids fluttering closed and skin breaking out in gooseflesh. My nipples reached for him, reveling in his masculinity.

"Oh… fuck, Edward," I whispered.

He groaned long and low, eyes closing as mine opened. For a few seconds he didn't move. We reacquainted our bodies, two long lost lovers desperately seeking warmth and familiarity. I breathed his name, arching my hips back and forth, impaling and pulling out. He rocked in time, breath speeding.

He pulled out, and then forcefully pushed back in. It was simply amazing, a heavenly experience with a cacophony of slapping skin. Wet sounds came out every time he moved.

His fingers dropped to my clit, circling where I was still sensitive from his mouth. My legs convulsed, body arching, throat expanding into wordless syllables that formed his name through a thick haze that choked me.

"Like that," he moaned. "Cum, Bella. God, I—I can't."

"I am… more, more, Edward." I arched, my head and feet holding me up while Edward grabbed my waist, pounding in and out.

How had I lived without this? How could I have though going to someone else would ease the ache that only complete physical intimacy could fill? Somehow he managed to do it and I didn't know what secret ingredient he had that could make sex this incredible.

He released my hips, elbows resting beside my shoulders. His pubic hair brushed against my clit and I came quickly. His mouth swallowed my cries, his tongue painted words on my palate. He groaned and stopped moving, my inner muscles still clenching onto him.

I could feel him release on my stomach, warm and sticky as it pooled between us. I slumped into his mattress. Somehow Edward found the strength to stand and I watched his back as he bent to grab his clothing while throwing me a towel.

I let his cum burn my skin. The weight was erotic, sliding downward toward my thighs. Soon enough the merriment was over. It got harder, began to flake. I grimaced, wiping it away.

"You ought to go," he said, cracking open a text book to a random page and pretending to read the scholastic lesson.

I nodded, though he didn't see. The undignified shame that I felt from being with Jake flushed away and I felt full and complete from being with Edward. I felt no shock at the mixed and backward emotions. I was… happy about it. I wouldn't grow any attachment to Jake and that made me feel a lot better about myself, even though I was clearly an idiot.

"Edward?" I called before walking through the threshold of his room.

"Hmm?" He looked up, hair in his cold eyes. The green was back, not flat, but emerald.

"Thank you," I breathed.

His expression changed, his mouth tugging, eyes looking sad but… hopeful. I walked away before I saw anything else from the stoic boy.

* * *

**A/N: Happymoon35 thank you for spending your money on something so important as The Fandom Gives Back. I'm honored to write this for you.**


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